The Director of 'American Hustle' Said Jennifer Lawrence Is Treated Like a Slave

Photo via Flickr User MingleMediaTVNetwork

Welcome to a special #newslaves edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

-It's finally Oscar season, which can mean only one thing: Salon.com's editorial staff has taken up residence in a bunker deep under the Earth's surface in order to monitor the public statements of every single nominee 24/7 in case they say something "problematic." Salon wants American Hustle director David O. Russell to check his privilege after telling the New York Daily News that he likens Jennifer Lawrence's highly lucrative stint as the plucky heroine Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games movie series to the experience of a 19th century African-American slave.

“I personally think they should give her a bit of breathing room over there because they’re printing money. But she’s a very alive person. I’ll tell you what it is about that girl—talk about 12 years of slavery, that’s what the franchise is. And I’m going to get in so much trouble for saying that.”

Russell absolutely got in trouble for saying that and subsequently apologized, but I know he was just being pressured by J-Law's slavemaster to keep quiet. Being the good samaritan that I am, I called the LAPD to alert them to the fact that Hunger Games director Francis Lawrence is savagely whipping Jennifer Lawrence and making her eat moldy food. He's forcing her to sleep in barns, shit in the woods, and wear tattered clothing, like, on the reg. What kind of a country do we live in where we treat our movie stars like this? It's shameful and it has to stop before all our movie stars are outsourced to China or something. If you'd like to donate to this worthy cause and help fight back against celebrity slavery, please click here to give whatever you can spare. If you ever need to hire a blonde woman who may or may not have ADHD to say wacky things to a camera, I have someone I can recommend to you. She could use a job. 7

-Speaking of the barbaric historical stain of slavery, a firefighter in Orange County, Florida, made a name for himself by painting a Confederate flag on the axe he uses when he's on the job. I can't figure out why, but a black man in the American South was shocked and disturbed when a large white male in a position of authority came storming into his burning house with a deadly weapon covered in a symbol of his ancestors' oppression. Talk about an overreaction!

The firefighter, the son of Assistant Fire Chief Jeff Holton, claimed he was not a racist. According to a report by WFTV, Holton told investigators that the flag "signified his small-town roots and core values of family and hard work." Oh, that's what that means! I could have sworn the Confederate battle flag pictured above symbolized an attempt by rogue American states to break from the Union in order to escape federal intrusion into their right to hold other human beings in perpetual bondage. Maybe the next time you want to symbolize "hard work," you draw a dump truck or two dudes carrying a big sack of bricks. It's less confusing that way. By the way, did you know swastikas are the international symbol for hugs, and Anne Frank was just down in that annex so she could concentrate on finishing her book? RACIST

Photo via Flickr User Peter Hutchins

-Another big fan of the Confederate flag, Kanye West, beat a man to a pulp for calling his baby mama, Kim Kardashian, a "nigger lover." The victim (or assailant, depending on your perspective) was holding the door open for Kardashian at her chiropractor's office in Beverly Hills when he launched into his verbal attack. (At least he held the door open for her?) Some people don't know how to a treat a lady these days. It's nice to know that chivalry isn't dead.

Kim called her man, who arrived on the scene to kick the shit out of the alleged racist. KTLA reported that the man was actually an 18-year-old boy and Perez Hilton claimed that West punched him more than 30 times before his bloodlust was satiated. "It was a little bit of an incredible reaction, but probably warranted," a witness told KTLA. Calling someone a "nigger lover" is not illegal, but battery is, so West is currently under investigation for the incident. If Kanye is cleared of any wrongdoing by the police, I really hope we get as many "Yeezus Walks!" headlines as possible. Don't let me down, fellow media elites. RACIST

Screenshot via KABB Facebook page

-As we approach Martin Luther King Day here in the United States, I think it's a good time to remind black people of Dr. King's non-violent methods of bringing about social change and combating racism. Mike Hernandez, a weatherman in San Antonio, Texas, "unintentionally" made mention of Martin Luther Coon Day. He said it was a "mispronunciation" of the civil rights leader's last name. It's a terribly unfortunate situation, and the station issued the above apology. If Dr. King was alive today, I'm fairly certain his first instinct wouldn't be to find Mike Hernandez and beat the crap out of him. Maybe Kanye West could have taken a page from MLK's book and responded in a more civilized fashion… or at least hire someone else to beat up stupid teens who insult his wife. 6

The Top Racist Tweets of the Week: 

What does pontiac stand for? Poor old nigger thinks its a cadillac.

— The Funny Racist™ (@TheFunnyRacist) January 1, 2014

Watching Lone Survivor made me hate those damn sand nigger Tali's more than I already did

— Adam Wallace (@a_wall41) January 13, 2014

Is this dumb cracker really trying to smoke weed on the bus-_-

— hector lucatero (@hlucatero23) January 16, 2014

i struggle with opening my eyes in pictures. #chink

— dylan kay (@dyl_iciouss) January 13, 2014

Since when did girls ever like a guy with a beaner name like juan pablo… Theres like 50 juan pablos at esco hahaha

— Dylan Wood$hank (@dylannasty) January 7, 2014

Very un-Jew like behaviour from the Spurs fans throwing money.

— David (@TekkaBooSon) January 5, 2014

@dave_schilling