Eat Shit

There’s this wacky guy, Baby Blonde (he’s a Kiss fan btw), and he says he has tasted the four building blocks of nasty, Piss, Shit, Jizz, and Puke. He claims they really aren’t as disgusting as you might think. I got inspired by his stupidity, and decided I needed to do all that stuff too, just so I could agree or disagree with him. Hey, why don’t you try along with us! If you’re a little girl chicken I’ve made up a no fail alternative for you too.

PISS
Baby: I filled a whole JD bottle with pee, I was impressed, I pissed out a little bit more than a liter! The first gulp wasn’t bad; not good, but not bad either, but then I took a second one and I started dry heaving like nuts. The taste is not like anything you’d expect. It’s not as salty as I thought it would be, but it just feels dirty, really dirty. Piss is not made for drinking so that’s why it has that grimy flavor, like the same way beer with cigarette buts has a dirty flavor.

Me: I had a lot of water today so it didn’t really have a strong taste or smell. I agree that it does have a dirty taste.

PRETEND: Make warm Kool-Aid with salt instead of sugar. Use about half as much salt as there should be sugar.

CUM
Baby: This one night we collected a bunch of semen in this little plastic mug and I just went nuts and poured it in my mouth and pretty much guzzled it. It looked pretty cool, and everyone was going wild. Again, this was not as salty as you’d think. It has a real milky consistency, in an odd way, but it wasn’t nasty. I can’t believe girls can’t swallow though, it’s really not that bad, and at least they get it when it’s warm and what not.

Me: Two little tastes are okay. It’s like an egg, or school glue mixed out with water. Not salty. Kama Sutra has three types of semen, bull, horse, and hare. Bull is the smelliest and bitterest, and hare is the sweetest smelling and tasting. I tasted hare semen.

PRETEND: Just take some Brie and melt it a bit in the microwave. Take it out and you got yourself a steaming hunk of cum.

PUKE
Baby: This kid Cheetah threw up and I saw that some pasta in there looked a.o.k. so I picked up a piece and ate it to gross people out. It worked perfectly, but one kid missed it and was all “what what what?” so I did it again. Everyone has tasted puke. If you have ever thrown up halfway and got some on the back of your tongue, but then forced it all back down, you should know what it’s like.

Me: It has a real sour and acidic taste. I usually throw up every other week when I brush my teeth because I brush too far back and have a bad gag reflex.

PRETEND: Mix a can of tuna fish with sour cream and pepper. You can dilute it with water to make the texture more authentic.

POO
Baby: A while back I got this idea that I might get extra horny if I ate crap while I was whacking off. It didn’t work, but luckily I was too caught up in the moment to get really grossed out by it. I couldn’t really decide what it tasted like, but it felt like mud, or clay. Natural clay or gray pottery clay is pretty much dead center to the consistency, but I really didn’t find that it tasted that awful. If I was an old person I’d say the bark—ie. smell—is worse than the bite.

Me: I had it in my hand, and stood there for like five minutes before giving up. I chickened out. You get sick from eating poo anyway.

PRETEND: Pottery clay or just red clay that is out in nature. Which is probably just ancient poo anyway.

PATRICK CROTTY