London Rental Opportunity of the Week: A Kitchen-Toilet in Hendon Central

What is it? I cannot say with certainty that this is a flat but it is a space with a bed and a washing machine and a toilet in it, so technically and legally I suppose it does tick all the boxes that qualify it as a flat, so let's I guess just answer that question with the words 'a flat' for now and then dig into the fine details lower down when you see the fucking bathroom on it;
Where is it? Hendon Central;
What is there to do locally? Train to be a policeman at the Hendon Police College/egg the local police college while shouting "YOU'RE ALL GRASSES! YOU'RE PROFESSIONAL GRASSES! FUCK THE JAKES!"
Alright, how much are they asking? £126pw, bills not included;

What do you need to live? No, like: just to live? Because you have that artisan concrete cactus planter, don't you, the one that somehow ended up costing you £20.99 from Oliver Bonas, and that is without even a cactus in it, you had to wait three weeks until you were walking past a florists to actually buy a small cactus to put in it, and then you ended up buying three, and now look at you: you're £27 down and you've got a concrete cactus planter with a cactus in it and two spare cactuses, namaste. But you don't need that cactus planter, do you? You don't truly need anything to live. Just look at Bear Grylls, with his little squinty eyes: all he needs to live is a Bear Grylls-sized patch of grass or mud to sleep on, a squeezy bottle of his own urine, and a dead squirrel for protein. Do you really need anything much more than that? Do you? Do you?

Related: look at this flat in Hendon Central:

This flat has a bed and a sink and a toilet to piss in and a fridge, mate, so what are you so worried about, what's the problem? It has a George Foreman grill that I would bet actual money is in fact an off-brand George Foreman grill, so do you actually need a hob? I mean yes: the bed is essentially a low shelf with a single mattress on it, and not even a thick single mattress, I mean I don't know why I'm surprised but that is an extremely destitute-looking mattress, there, and that's with the topper on, I mean essentially that mattress is just four sheathes of A4 printer paper arranged in the shape of a mattress, isn't it; and plus also, as a feature, there's a toilet built into a cupboard and crammed into the space you would vaguely describe as the 'kitchen bit'. But otherwise. Otherwise all the essentials are there.

So we can see immediately the flat has limitations, most especially the fact that it is rocking the kind of toilet you find on an especially cramped fishing vessel, a kind of one-man fishing vessel run by some hardy sailor called Steve, and Steve isn't one for your extravagant land pissing, no no, Steve is more than happy to rock about in a tiny wooden cubicle that is barely like literally hardly capable at all of containing both him and also the toilet bowl, Steve actually finds it difficult to shit now without a torrid sea beneath him throwing him from one side to another, so his shoulders clatter against the cubicle, so the drain water rides up and splashes him: Steve is a peculiar man. He spends a lot of time out there, just him and the sea, pulling mackerel out of the water, tugging around, the salt in his nostrils, his hands always cold and wet, shitting and pissing in as minute a space as possible, getting up at 4am again the next day to do it all over. That could be you, only in Hendon.

Anyway the RightThere Kitchen Piss And Shit Device™ is a continuation of this odd sort of trend in London right now for toilets as an afterthought, toilets as a sort of 'oh, right, yeah' moment from the landlord, which makes me consider whether landlords – who, recall, are lizard people, devoid of genitals, anuses and hearts – actually do shit and piss in their spare time, or whether they just sort of sit in their palatial homes without toilets, checking their various mortgages relentlessly on a Google Doc, desperately refreshing Zoopla in areas where they already own homes for minor rent fluctuations so they can cite "market price" as a reason for jacking the rent up for the third time in six months, Googling "even shittier and cheaper boilers, somehow?", and "how many legal occupancies one room?", growing fat on their cream. "But anyway," the landlords say, showing you round the single occupancy (shared shower) one-bed in fucking Hendon, licking the thin scaled ridge where their lips should be with their long mucussy tongue. "But it's only £126 per week, so what do you expect?" What indeed. What indeed.

@joelgolby

More stuff from this frequently depressing and depressingly frequent series:

A Toilet-Shower in Stoke Newington!

A Completely Tiled, Wipe-Down Hellscape in Walthamstow!

Adult Halls of Residence in Acton!