Canada woke up to a new prime minister designate Tuesday, and, if you were to believe the media hype, he's the hottest one we've ever had. He's been eye-fucked so hard, he should probably be walking around in a full body condom.
"Is Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau the sexiest politician in the world?" asked the UK's Daily Mirror, while the Independent proclaimed, "Canada is already in love with its new Liberal prime minister."
Trudeau is also being dubbed a PILF, as in, Prime Minister I'd Like to Fuck. (Feel free to vomit here.)
Based on the sheer volume of this hyperbolic coverage, you'd think this was the first time Canadians elected an attractive man to office, which makes me wonder if the entire world has collective amnesia.
Sure, Trudeau is generically good-looking, if you're into a thick, full head of curly hair, eyebrows on fleek, a strong jawline, and chiseled abs. But declaring him the sexiest politician ever is like saying Stephen Harper lacks charisma—it's an outright lie and an affront to those smokin' PMs who came before him.
To set the record straight, I've put together a list of some of the underrated baes to lead this nation, all of whom at least rival JT in sex appeal.
Sir John A. Macdonald
First off, who doesn't love a guy whose name contains the prefix "Sir"? And Macdonald deserves the title—he was the Father of Confederation and the country's first prime minister. But let's forget about those laudable achievements for a moment and discuss his alluring, devil-may-care approach to life.
Macdonald was known for showing up to work hammered and going on days-long benders. His poison of choice was whisky, which he binged on often, sometimes rendering himself completely incoherent. Needless to say, this guy was the original Rob Ford. Going out with him meant getting seriously fucked up, probably at some rustic tavern (if women were allowed inside) and one could only expect that good times ensued. If that included the occasional drunken hotel fire, so be it.
According to fashion historian Jonathan Walford, Macdonald also had a scruffy charm going for him.
"His impoverished upbringing would have made fashion an unaffordable frivolity," Waldorf said in an interview with SALON Theatre Productions, adding he was often "swamped in ill-fitting suits, coupled with a receding hairline and long, wiry, unkempt coiffure."
True, his treatment of Indigenous people was reprehensible, but if I saw a Tinder profile that said "disheveled, raging alcoholic who formed a nation," I'd be swiping right.
William Lyon Mackenzie King
King was a Liberal who saw Canada through the Second World War, demonstrating a type of masculine assertiveness we're not likely to see from someone named Justin. Portraits of King mostly show him wearing a dark, double-breasted suit, reminiscent of a brooding undertaker, complete with a furrowed brow and 1,000-yard stare.
To that end, King regularly held séances with mediums to contact his dead mother, several dead dogs, and the dead US President Franklin Roosevelt.
Like the old adage goes, judge a man by the way he treats his mother and pets. If they're deceased, well, that just proves he's a long-term relationship kinda guy. A guy who doesn't throw in the towel because one party stops being alive.
How this man remained a bachelor his whole life is something I will never understand.
A decade under Chrétien's leadership was too short for those of us whose hearts skipped a beat every time we saw him on TV, yammering on in that sexy accent (thank you, Shawinigan, Quebec). It's a wonder anyone in his cabinet got any work done.
"I was into Chrétien as a kid, kind of," one of my colleagues confessed to me. "His face situation made him seem like an underdog."
A scrappy, badass underdog who, when confronted by a heckling protester in 1996, put the man in a chokehold and threw him to the ground, breaking one of his teeth. The move was later nicknamed the Shawinigan Handshake and Chrétien was so unapologetic about it, he continued to perform it in jest for years to come.
If you think, at age 81, Chrétien's joie de vivre is waning, you obviously haven't seen videos of him water skiing. Or downhill skiing. Or riding a goddang children's scooter.
With any luck, Chrétien will be gracing YouTube with his athletic prowess for years to come.
Can we all just admit that using your face to convey emotion is overrated?
Our former prime minister certainly didn't bother. So strong and silent was he (with an emphasis on the latter), he refused to scrum with reporters throughout an entire federal election campaign. That's impressive.
Harper started out his political career handsome (think brunette Jeffrey Dahmer) and is now a bonafide silver fox.
His tendencies to gag civil servants, strip the country's ability to collect data, invoke racist, wedge politics during the election, stifle the press, and control every aspect of government with a vice-like grip have probably turned a few people off. But how can you stay mad at those steely blue eyes?
That's to say nothing of his musical talents. Harper is frontman for the band the Van Cats—a play on "vingts-quatre," the French word for "24" as in the PM's address 24 Sussex, 'cause his pun game is on point like that.
At a Conservative Christmas party last year, Harper dad-rocked hard, covering "Sweet Child Of Mine" by Guns N' Roses. Judging by the passion he displayed during that performance, I wouldn't be surprised (and music fans would be so lucky) if he sabotaged his own campaign to play weddings full time.
So yeah, Trudeau may be a hottie. But it's pretty clear that in the Canadian political landscape, that's just par for the course.
Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.