What's Your Most Ridiculous Sex Story?

Welcome to our column, Question of the Day. It gives interns something to do!

Not really sure what's going on here

After our heartening tale of human ingenuity went berserk on the internet this week, we decided to send our interns out in search of more perversions.

VICE: Hey, what's your most ridiculous sex story?
Vicky: I heard that there was this gay couple and one cheated on the other. So, in revenge, the one that was cheated on drugged the infidel, and while he was asleep, he cut off his dick and balls and boiled them in a kettle. Then he made the guy sit down and eat them at the dinner table.

Infidel? I'm not sure that's the right word.
Yeah, you know, someone that cheats on someone else. An infidel.

OK.

Gram: Oh yes, I have seen some pretty shocking things, but then I did used to run a tranny brothel.

So you must have stories.
I used to hang around all the clubs in Soho. A lot of them were temporary clubs that would move around and be there for only a couple of weeks. I knew one person and basically their job was to [he bends over to grab his ankles and spreads his legs] just bend over the loo like that for the WHOLE night. Were they a prostitute?
I’m not sure, but the people at the club didn’t have to pay, you could just go into the loo and do what you wanted. For free?
Yeah, it was just part of the club! That person must have had 200 cocks up their ass a night. I don't know if places like that exist anymore, they must do. I was only ever interested in them from a sociological perspective, though. It wasn’t a turn on for me. Jeff: A few years ago I went to Paris. One night, we found ourselves in the Marais innocently wandering around looking for a drink, and settled on this charming little café. After a while I got up to visit the bathroom, which was underground, only to discover a full-on sex dungeon down there. There was a swing and a bathtub full of people pissing all over each other. What else was going on?
Well, someone was also getting fucked in the swing. The whole space was filled with people having weird sex. Do you remember the name of the café?
I don’t, but it was at the corner opposite the Centre Pompidou. Were you traumatized?
I'm from Melbourne. I was alright!

Not pictured is "Ben," a male friend who is married to someone who isn't this lady. Georgina: Sex is just sex, everyone does it and nothing is really strange any more. We have loads of sex stories between us, don't we – shall we tell them, "Ben"? "Ben": Haha. Yeah! Georgina: A long time a go we had a sexual affair. We were at this phase where we were having sex all over the place, and in this particular instance we were going at it in a lovely woodland setting. I remember just hearing someone shout “Ben!” and next thing we know, this dog runs at us, and it was very interested in what we were doing. Behind it, this woman was shouting, "Come here!” She was totally embarrassed, poor thing. We weren’t, we just carried on. "Ben": My head was stuck somewhere where ladies like to have a head stuck! Georgina: He was completely anonymous, but she could see me! "Ben": Her skirt was covering my head.  Georgina: This is the first time we've seen each other in about 20 years, and the first thing he did was ask me if I remember that story. I don’t know if I’d share it with my grandkids, but if I died now I would have done pretty much everything I want to do. I’ve had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people—though not ladies, but I’m not saying I’m ruling it out! Although, I did just get married six months ago. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Georgina: I'm 66. Other than the risk of getting pregnant, sex is harmless. And there's no risk of that happening to me at 66!

Gennaro Boccia: One time I was having drinks at Cafe 1001 with my sex buddy, when another friend of mine came to meet us. The three of us were pretty pissed and so we decided to get to a back alley and fuck her together. As he was fucking her, my friend broke his cock. There was loads of blood, but instead of freaking out she sucked his cock and swallowed the blood. Five minutes later, she starts crying and vomiting blood and cum. At this point my friend took his broken dick home, but we continued in her house, where she took a double-ended candle stick, lit the two candles, stuck the base in her pussy and instructed me to "break the stick, break the stick!” So I broke it, and then she was like “You broke the stick!" Then we couldn’t get the other end out of her pussy for a while, and when she finally pushed it out, there was more blood. But still I fucked her all night. Without a condom!

You go, champ.

Previously – What Do You Call Your Vagina or Penis

Not sated by these tales of lust? You should read: We Found a Piss Dungeon in a Pub