This week: The man who thinks bum cream is suncream versus the company that thinks they invented apples.
Cry-Baby #1: William Ryan
The incident: A prison inmate named William Ryan thought that a nurse had given him sun-cream, rather than the haemorrhoid cream he had requested.
The appropriate response: Informing the nurse of her mistake.
The actual response: William had a friend of his visit the nurse's house and set fire to it while she slept.
At the time of the incident, 53-year-old William was serving a prison sentence in Wheatfield Prison, Dublin.
William had been complaining about haemorrhoids, so he visited prison nurse Orla Finn. Being a super nice and chill guy, he said "give me the fucking box" before snatching the cream out of the Orla's hand, adding "I hope you die of fucking cancer."
Orla made a complaint to the prison, which resulted in William being disciplined.
The next day, William used a mobile phone he had secretly stashed in his cell to call a friend and order the attack. The friend went to Orla's home that night and set fire to it along with Orla's two cars. Orla and her elderly mother were asleep inside the house, but managed to escape unharmed.
William maintains that the reason he ordered for her to be burned alive was ACTUALLY because she gave him sun cream instead of haemorrhoid stuff. Which I guess is actually kind of reasonable. Haemorrhoids suck.
Cry-Baby #2: Apple
The incident: A woman named Christin Romer (pictured above, human) used an apple for the logo of a cafe she opened in Germany (also pictured above, apple shaped logo).
The appropriate response: Nothing. Apples are very very very common.
The actual response: Apple, as in the company that makes iPhones and iPads and that thing that's half way between an iPhone and an iPad, sent Christin a letter, demanding that she stop using the logo.
Christin has been using the logo on her cafe Applekind in Munich since May. She received the letter last month after she attempted to copyright the logo. She told her local paper, "I’m not going to accept that. At first I couldn’t believe the letter – then I called my lawyer. I wanted to do something like Starbucks, and have the logo as my trademark. I was even thinking of eventually expanding and creating a franchise business so other people could open up other Apfelkind cafés, which is why I wanted to register the trademark."
Munich's patent office will make a decision as to whether Christin can continue to use the logo next month.
Apple have declined to comment. Possibly because there is nothing they could say that wouldn't make them sound like idiots.
So guys, who is the bigger cry-baby here? Seriously, help us out by voting in the poll below. I can't work it out myself and it's making me like, mega anxious.Who is the bigger cry-baby?
Winner: The cop!!!
Honourable Cry-Baby Mention: The city of Los Angeles, for their extremely disproportionate reaction to this article I wrote making fun of some dumb things in their city.