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Are You Getting Any?

Are You Getting Any? I Lost Interest in Sex Until I Started Dating Women

This 22-year-old went from being engaged to a man to feeling asexual, to finally finding happiness in being intimate with women.

by Nana Baah; photos by Rhys Thomas
20 August 2019, 9:00am

All photos by Rhys Thomas.

Welcome to Are You Getting Any? A column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

SABINA, 22

Quality of sex overall: 8/10
Frequency of sex: 7/10
Intimacy levels: 9/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 10/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 3/10

VICE: Hi Sabina! So when was the last time you had sex?
Sabina: A week ago.

Same amount of sex as your peers?
Yeah, if anything I have more.

Why do you think that is?
Most of my friends at this point are single and I feel like for the first time I’m as single as my friends, and the straight girls I know will only sleep with a guy very rarely. Even though they’re super attractive and everything, I feel like having sex rarely means once every two weeks. A lot of them are having it at a lower rate. Like once a month.

Okay so, what do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
Maybe not social media but definitely dating apps, because you know you have options and you know you’re probably not going to die alone because Tinder is out there so you feel safe.

There’s so much choice that people aren’t even bothering to choose anymore?
Yeah, I grew up in Poland, which used to be pretty communist, and when there wasn’t a lot on the shelves you were happy with what you got and choices were easy. Now that Poland is super capitalist, all these products started pouring in in the 90s and you have so much choice, but then you don’t know what to do with that choice. So I think Tinder has opened it up to people in the same way – like, you’re always just a swipe away from sleeping with someone, so people can become overwhelmed.

Sabina AYGA
Sabina and her fiancé called off their engagement.

Have you always used Tinder?
Yeah, I started using it when I was 18. There was a stage in my life when I had men selected only, then men and women, and now it's only women and no men.

Okay, so tell me about when you first started questioning your sexuality?
As a teenager, I thought sex was the most wonderful thing on earth. But in my later teens and my twenties it bored the fuck out of me. It wasn’t a priority for me, which became quite difficult because I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who I was engaged to.

What signals pointed to you being asexual?
When you have sex there’s so much little stuff, and that’s what I hated most. If you get out of the shower and your boyfriend wants to sleep with you, it’s like, "No, I need to brush my hair or it will get tangled." The little things that normal people don’t pay attention to pissed me off so much.

Yeah, if it mainly feels like an inconvenience, then you shouldn’t do it.
Exactly. It was so many inconveniences, which I think other people must find romantic, but I just really hated it.

So how did you tell your fiancé that you were asexual?
Well, we were supposed to get married this year or the next, but it came to a point where he already knew I was asexual, because he saw on my phone that I had been googling it.

Did he ever say anything about it?
I just remember it was really awkward: we were watching BoJack Horseman and there’s this one character who is asexual and starts an app for asexuals, and it was super awkward watching it with my boyfriend because I was obviously that.

How did your changing attitude towards sex make you feel?
It just came to a point where he wanted to have sex and I would reluctantly agree every two weeks or so. I became super resentful because I felt like such a burden. I thought it was about him as well, like maybe I’m not attracted to the guy that I’m attracted to.

How have you found hooking up with women?
Well, I have this issue when going to gay clubs, everyone dolls themselves up like, "Yes, we’re going to flirt with people," but no one would flirt with me. I was complaining to a friend who is also a lesbian, and she said: "No wonder. You look super straight!" So it’s not that easy – even if you’re in a gay club, people might still think you’re straight.

If real life hasn’t been working out for you, are you back on dating apps?
At first, I downloaded an app that was specifically for lesbians, I can’t remember the name, but what was super annoying was that you had to define yourself with sexual categories like scoliosexual and that sort of stuff. I sat in a bar with my best friend researching and trying and failing to set up my profile on it. It was ridiculous, so I deleted it and went back to Tinder and I’ve met someone there.

What was coming to terms with your sexuality like?
I only just discovered recently how fluid sexuality is. I feel like I’ve been through most of the sexualities at this point, so I have imposter syndrome in every single one of my sexualities.

What do you mean?
Well my mum claims that I’m having a “lesbian phase” and I always have this voice in my head saying the same thing. Was being straight just a phase for me? Was half of my life just a phase? I remember having crushes on girls at school and stuff. Years later, I’m dating girls and it’s not a phase anymore, like what does it count as?

What was it like going from identifying with asexuality to being a lesbian?
That’s a good question, I think I was like maybe I’m asexual because I’m only seeing myself as being with men. So in my mind, I was either sleeping with men or I’m not sleeping with anyone. I always thought I was shoved into this box of being straight and living a straight life, I was doing everything that people expected of me. Sleeping with women is better though, when you sleep with men, usually the moment they finish it’s over. There’s a bit of a time constraint on it; you have about seven minutes to try—

Seven minutes?
I guess, I don’t know it depends on the guy. But sleeping with women is easier, because not only do you get a head start because you know the anatomy...

Sorry, oh my god, is that Trixie Mattel [a drag queen] tattooed on your arm?
Yes, I got to meet her yesterday at Drag World and showed her! Actually, Drag Race is another thing which helped with my sexuality.

SabinaAYGA
Sabina credits Ru Paul's Drag Race as helping her understand her sexuality.

Tell me about that.
My friend showed me the first episode of Season 9 and I was, like “Right, this is weird”, but then I fell in love with it; having a whole show about gay culture for gay people and accepting it as normal and showing all the issues that you face. Some of the stories you hear from contestants deserve a lot of attention and a lot of people can really see themselves in that. I pretty much think my parents believe that I watched too much Drag Race and 'now she’s gay,' haha.

I'm glad it helped you. So after a period of not having any desire to have sex, was the first time daunting?
It was surprisingly very easy. I found it way better than sleeping with men because whenever I did that there was always this element of shame.

So your sex life is much better now?
Yeah. Having sex with a girl is easier because you know that no one is going to slut shame anyone. Obviously people like different things but you sort of understand the body, too. It’s just way more thrilling and intimate anyway because it’s new to me I guess and it was always a big taboo for me growing up.

Being gay, you mean?
When I was a kid in the public swimming baths, I wouldn’t look at naked women at all. I wouldn’t dare. I don’t know what that was… I thought it wasn’t normal for me to be looking at them in the way that I was looking at them.

You felt it was wrong to enjoy seeing naked women?
Yeah, that sort of thing. But as a kid I didn’t know about the notion of objectification, but it was just like, "Don’t look at them." But now I get to see them all the time and no one can tell me anything about it [laughs].

How do you think people younger than you are dealing with their sexuality now?
My brother is four years younger than me, and I think people his age are less obsessed with sex than we are. They’re more chill now, and I think people younger than me are waiting until they’re ready, which is so weird. I lost my virginity at 16.

Yeah, it was sort of like a race for us.
Exactly. I was the first person in my friend group, and I was so happy about it!

When I was 15 years old I lied about having had sex because I was one of the last ones in my group of friends, but I actually didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19.
Oh really? I should have done that. I just actually went out and did it. But the race is, like, horrible. You’re only legally allowed at 16 anyway, so why did we all rush? When I was 16 I thought losing your virginity at 19 was so old, but that’s still a kid, really. I’m happy that people younger than me have realised that already. I feel so bad for people ten years older than us who were kind of pushed into it, it’s gross.

Thanks, Sabina!

If you’re 18-30 years old and want to be featured in the Are You Getting Any? series, send an email to nana.baah@vice.com with the subject Are You Getting Any?

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