Photo: Jake Lewis
"Guys, honestly, this is so mean – I left one spoon, one mug and all the plates in my room, and a load of laundry in the washing machine for five days, then tried to air it out, even though it was patently stale so I made the entire front room smell of stale laundry and I didn't even put that away for five days so the entire load of laundry was a ten day cycle, and also I inexplicably left a carton of potato waffles out to defrost and then put it back in the freezer again and nobody knew which of the waffles were the re-frosted ones, so we had to throw all of them away, and I only do that and literally nothing else I'm a literally innocent person, and you're all attacking me and making me feel like shit?"Like, you really don't know how bad it's been at work lately and how bad it's been back home either – my mum broke her arm! Almost! – and I try to come back here to, like, my house and my sanctuary, and you all sit me down and make me turn off fucking Friends again; I cannot fucking believe it's 2019 and I’m still chain-watching Friends, on the main TV in the front room, the clang–clanga–clang–clang–clanga–clang–clang of the opening credits sequence literally giving you a flinch of PTSD now, so adverse are you to Friends, a show you previously if not liked then at least tolerated, and I can’t believe I've had to turn Friends off to be sat down and told to fucking tidy up after myself!"I'm going to leave the house dramatically immediately after this meeting and go stay with a friend for three days, then come back and nobly announce I'm going to move out! I! Really! Can’t! Live! Like! This!"TIME TO CALL A FLAT MEETINGTIME FOR SOME "FLATMATE DRINKS"!TIME TO… HAVE SEX WITH THIS FLATMATE?
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