Mr Nigel Farage is delighted to announce his latest piece of political theatre. It is 270 miles long, involves yellow jackets and is definitely going to get us out of the European Union this time. Yes, sure, maybe a few teething troubles might have been reported in the media, but pay them no mind.
For those still hovering over the PayPal button, wondering whether or not to pay the £50 fee to walk nearly 300 miles, here's a brief Q&A to help ease your worries around the March To Leave.
What is the March To Leave?
Britain has so far FAILED to Leave the European Union because of an ongoing series of complex negotiations to unbundle 45 years of international treaties. This is unacceptable. It is high time we The People told our elected representatives that we have had enough of them engaging in exhaustive attempts to relinquish all the responsibilities of belonging to the world’s most lucrative single market while retaining all of the benefits. It is time to March to Leave.
How long is the march?
I am a car owner. How can I show Europe who's boss with a 12-stage drive?
Unfortunately the drive will not be open to the public. Which is a pity, as they could blitz through this whole thing inside four hours if they don't stop at the Watford Gap Roadchef.
I would like to be placed in the same group as Nigel Farage. How can I do this?
For the record, Nigel still insists that doctors have got it wrong on cigarettes. However, due to entirely unrelated wheezing issues, Nigel announced on his Sunday LBC show that he will only be available for the first few miles, and the last. This March is about triumphing over elitism, after all, which is why it will be up to everyday people to walk it on Nigel's behalf.
Is there a fee for marching?
It is £50.
Isn't that a bit steep? I’m going to see The Courteeners at Heaton Park and that’s only £50, and they play most of 'St. Jude', and even make spontaneous banter in-between songs.
The fee covers the official March To Leave Kit, which comprises: a T-shirt (about £10). A water bottle (probably about a quid). Poncho (£1). Hi-vis jacket (£7). Wristband (£1). Beanie (£5).
That only adds up to £25.
Oh right: you’re one of those head-maths types, are you?
I would like to wear the hi-vis jacket but I am also a UK gilet jaune. Can I wear two hi-vis jackets?
Probably not advisable. It tends to make coppers think someone has slipped them a mickey and they’re seeing double.
I am a supporter, but do not wish to march. Can I be an official cheerleader instead?
Of course. March To Leave are issuing tickets for cheerleaders via Eventbrite.
I can neither march nor cheerlead, so I would like to volunteer to read the autocue in an upcoming March To Leave promotional video. How do I make it look like I’ve pissed myself?
Do a careful study of Richard Tice, the businessman sponsoring the March To Leave, who may have assets of half a billion quid under his control, but doesn’t seem sure whether to read the autocue or eat flies off of it.
This all seems quite hasty. Are you sure the march will be well-planned?
Absolutely. As it says on marchtoleave.com, "please keep an eye on the website and social media (insert tags here) for udates".