It's Friday morning, which means in about 12 hours, someone, somewhere, is going to be a dickhead in a kebab shop. It's a fact of British nightlife: you go out, you get drunk, you decide a kebab might absorb some of the alcohol otherwise headed for your headache, you go to a kebab shop, you witness a furious man shout about garlic sauce, you go home.
With that in mind, I asked the kebabbies of Shoreditch about the worst dickheads they've ever had to endure.
VICE: Hi. Who's the worst dickhead you've ever encountered in here?
Muhammed: It's OK down here, as I work during the day, but I got a lot of dickheads in Camden working the night shift. People would find everything wrong with us. They spat in our faces. They wouldn't pay. It was normal because they were drunk.
What would you do about it?
It depends on how I felt. Sometimes I'd fight with them, but usually not. We had to call the police on people.
Do you think it's like this in every shop?
No, we ended up getting security. It's like this in shops without security.
Are any of your customers dickheads?
Osman: My customers are always nice. If they're upset, I'm upset, and I'll take them downstairs and look after them.
Even when they're drunk?
How long have you worked here?
I've owned this place for ten years.
And what makes it special?
We serve special food and we're always clean. People come in here after going to other places in Shoreditch and they always think it's the best.
Can you tell me about your worst customers?
Mus: The other day a customer came in and ordered food, and then he said he didn't want it. So we made him a new order and he cancelled that too, because he said he didn't want a filling in it. I told him that we wouldn't make a third order and he got angry. He said, "I'm going to ruin you," and was shouting at me and threw his food over the counter. Other customers got involved and then he hit one of them. He caused such a big row – chairs and tables were flying everywhere. You always get drunk idiots late at night.
That sounds shit. How late are you guys open until?
We open late on Friday and Saturday. It happens quite often that there will be a fight.
Do you own this place? It smells really good in here.
Yes, and if you read all the reviews they're good. This guy who was threatening me left me a bad one. Most of my customers are good. Another guy threw food at me and a full bottle of coke that just missed my head, and my customers threw him out.
Did you have to call the police?
No, the police are never involved when I have an argument. Apart from one time where two customers were fighting. I just think this wouldn't happen in an Italian or a French restaurant. People don't respect us.
Have you had any experiences with dickhead customers?
John: I work daytime, and 80 percent – no, 90 percent – of the time my customers are good.
You don't get the drunk guys?
No, they're always good. Nighttime is where it gets bad. That's why I work during the day. They're all nice apart from this guy [gestures to a guy eating a kebab].
What's wrong with him?
He doesn't like my colleague's new hair cut.
I think it's a great haircut.