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Food

Chubby Commuters Are Consuming 800 Extra Calories a Week Through Snacking

Stop eating so many packets of Starburst on the train, you bloody idiot!

Bunch of lard arses. Photo via Pexels.

Hey, fatso! Yeah, I'm talking to you, tubby! You with your copy of the Evening Standard surreptitiously hiding a cold Ginsters spicy chicken slice. You there, chewing slowly on a Reece's NutRageous and staring out of a rain-flecked window. Yeah, I'm talking to you! Stop eating so damn much all the time!

The Royal Society for Public Health – another one of those places you've never heard of but thinks itself an authority on how you should live your life and when and how you're going to die – conducted some research into the eating habits of Britain's commuters and discovered that the slovenly lot imbibe about 800 extra calories per week when travelling. The report polled 1,500 people.

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"The commute is hugely stressful; we've got thousands of commuters travelling through stations which are very obesogenic, both in terms of advertising and what's available [to eat]," says Emma Lloyd, the author of the report, and to my knowledge the sole user of the word "obesogenic". "It's natural that many people will reach for comfort food to relieve boredom or stress, but it's a high-risk strategy when so many people are overweight and obese."

The commuter – the saddest creature in the known world – spends nearly an hour commuting every bloody day, to and from their shit jobs that make them want to die. Around two-fifths of them neglect exercise because of it, while a third report an increase in snack consumption. The snack of choice for these greying husks is of course chocolate bars. Wispa, Kit Kat Chunky, Kit Kat Chunky Peanut Butter, Boost Bar, regular Kit Kat – all the stars are there, and these wobbling moos can't help but treat themselves to a sugar rush in the only moment of mild solace they get throughout the day. Naturally a lot of people drink booze on trains and eat crisps and takeaways from the big central stations they mosey through. How many times have I had a Wasabi katsu curry on the train home? More than I care to mention.

The Royal Society for Public Health wants some restrictions to be placed on stations so those who can't help but eat bag after bag of Monster Munch can be saved from themselves. But if your only respite from your soul destroying commute is the sweet taste of a Curly Wurly forced down your gullet by a Fanta Fruit Twist, then you might as well eat yourself to death anyway.

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