Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.
PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #4: SEX PEST 101
Hey bro. Are you tired of dating shoddy, reduced price women? Want to score high quality babes in – get this – less than FOUR HOURS? Yeah, you do. No idea what I’m talking about? Well, I found this guy Matt Artisan on the internet the other day, and he's about to give you a lesson in pick-up artistry. Need to know how to text a girl into bed? Want to be champion of the "same night lay"? Now you can be all this, and more. (Apparently.) Because Matt Artisan has put together The Ultimate Guide To Texting Girls (RRP: $748.00, yours for $9.77).
In the hour of audio that I downloaded in exchange for daily emails about penis enlargement, he touches on his favourite fail-safe sexts, how rejection is the first step to hooking up and why you should never let a woman walk away from you. Clue: it makes us go gooey when you get all powerful and angry.
Before we start, it should be acknowledged that I began this piece with (you might have guessed) a slight preconception that Matt Artisan is a total fucking moron. After some research I stumbled across this comment: “My life was changed for the better and I owe it all to this program!” - P.C, a computer engineer. After reading the genuine praise and thanks from P.C I felt ready to open my mind to a new and potentially life-changing experience. I too, could become that fucking douchebag. Exciting!
I’ve split Matt’s ethos into four key areas. Guys: If you’re not exercising at least three of these on your dates, you’ll probably never fuck a supermodel.
Compliance is crucial when assessing whether the girl you’re harassing is DTF and therefore worth wasting precious pick-up time on. In order to properly realise a woman’s "compliance" (oh hey, synonyms including "submission" and "obedience"), Artisan advises you to try his trusty "Something Naughty" test. This quick and easy procedure should enlighten you to whether this bitch is a “bad girl, and very sexual” or frigid, boring and “non-compliant”. The format of this plan consists largely of threatening to send a female "something naughty" via text. Now gauge their response. They’re probably stripping to their totally sexy underwear already. No? Are they phoning the police? If they are, joke's on them, bro, because instead of sending them any actual explicit material you send the text “Something. Naughty. ;-)”. HA! Foiled you, you stupid living flesh-light.
PGB RESPONSE: Sexual. Harassment. ;-)
Does she look bored? Is she giving you negative body language? Is she actively trying to escape your iron grip? Well it may go against some of your pussy liberal ideals, but the last thing you should do right now is back off. Don’t worry, Matt knows women. He knows women like to be chased. Right girls? Slap my wrist if you must, but gee, I just love to tease men by acting disinterested. Matt says the most important factor in a successful pick-up is “forcing... a woman to enter into your reality”. I have no idea what this means, but the words "force", "woman" and "enter" in the same sentence sound totally sexy and do not make me think of rape at all!
A great way to detain them is by making them answer a question. Matt suggests you restrain the troublesome wench and firmly explain: “No. You’re gonna stay right here and tell me one cool thing about you. And then you can go.” The hilariously "imprisoned" woman will be so enamoured by your stern, aggressive tone, her knickers will immediately fall to her ankles. Right, Matt?
PGB RESPONSE: I carry a switchblade and mace. Oh wait, that’s two cool things.
So jealz of his lays
As much as women have like, established themselves as equal, and like, saturated the workplace, Matt sees through these bourgeois ideologies. Essentially “women don’t know what they want”. Oh sure, “they think they know”, but as much as say they want a “nice guy” really they want something more “dangerous”. OMG, thank god! Finally I’ve found a man who’s able to properly translate my coy flirtation techniques. Matt is like the collar that translates a dog’s barking into English so the owner knows when it needs to pee. Maybe Matt is Jesus? With this in mind, if a girl is too stupid to text you back (more likely she’s busy with the 12 penis shots you sent this morning, oioi) there are a couple of quick-fix messages you should hit her with. Matt suggests sending “Did you get kidnapped into white slavery?” This naughty text has undertones of a serious nature, and will have her in alternating bouts of hysterical laughter and tears. Works every time.
PGB RESPONSE: There are currently over 12 million people forced into slavery worldwide, of which up to 79 percent are believed to be female. LOL.
Sure, some of Matt’s policies might be, like, unbelievably offensive or whatever. And the idea that you can condense "picking-up" to an art form kind of implies that all women are the same, or something. But don’t worry, he’s keen to reassure you that he (and by extension you, his loyal protege) is a totally sensitive and understanding guy. If a girl is "low compliance", Matt knows you shouldn’t keep barking away at the same post forever, who wants a lawsuit on their hands just before spring break, right?
With this in mind, he recommends putting any “low-standard girls” on the “back burner”. He suggests a couple of mass texts that you can send out when you’re bored. “Let’s go to Vegas and get married” is perhaps the kindest, because what do all women sit at home worrying about if it’s not finding a husband? His understanding doesn’t stop there; about an hour into the audio Artisan casually solves the complex issue of rape! Matt states, “It’s a guys job to put on the gas, and a women’s job to put on the brakes. That’s just the way it is.” Gah, why do we kick up such a fuss, girls! Matt understands the metaphysical laws of the universe so much better than our tiny, little testosterone-starved brains ever will. Matt for President!
PGB RESPONSE: Polygamy is still legal in Burkina Faso. Go there.
- “Women are emotional. Talk about emotions.”
- “Make her feel like you’re not judging her. You’re not gonna tell her friends if she doesn’t want her friends to think she’s a slut.”
- After a failed attempt at a kiss: “You have to almost expect some sort of resistance or objection. Don’t apologise... Try again in 20 minutes. Maybe you didn’t touch her enough before you went into it.”
So there you have it, Sex Pest 101. And you didn’t even have to pay the nine bucks.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit #3 - The Full Moon Myth