What Sort of Person Has a Crush on Tom Daley?

Bieber, Malik, Olly Riley, that little bro with all the hooded vests from JLS, it's time to stand down, because there's a new domestic heartthrob in town. And he's got an Olympic medal. You might have a couples of Brits and maybe even a Sugar magazine "lushest lad in pop" award, but you've got no chance against the glorious, post-Team GB superiority of Tom Daley. He seems like a really nice guy, he's been through the mill a bit and he gets bullied by dicks on the internet. There's no wonder the world of teenybop Twitter has taken him to its heart.

But their affection for poor old Tom has taken a massive hit with the news that he's been spotted out on a date with a girl named Kassidy Cook (an American diver apparently, and not the foul-mouthed Dirty South RnB star her name suggests she might be). They went to see The Lion King and his fans are not happy about this. This being 2012, they didn't stick to writing LiveJournal poetry and crying into their cardboard cut-outs of him. They took to Twitter, and the results ranged from the kinda sweet, to the kinda material that might get you a police escort.

omg. tom daley is dating kassidy cook.#heartbroken

— SophiaCasella (@sit_on_my_SOPHA) August 17, 2012

First up were the people who took a more sensitive approach to the sad news that Tom may be off the market. The ones who would probably turn this experience into something positive in the end, like an album of multi-platinum selling torch songs, perhaps. Not sure I understand the idea of hashtagging your heartbreak though. Heartbreak is a personal experience, surely? Hashtagging it means you might end up indexed alongside people who are tweeting about dead budgies and Robin van Persie. And nobody wants that.

I'm actually heart broken that tom daley is taken :( serious downer on my night.

— Sophie Moynihan ♔ (@sophiemoynihan) August 16, 2012

Be strong Sophie, you can't go through life thinking that any man who goes to see The Lion King with a girl is "taken". In fact, if the chap in question is taking girls to see The Lion King, then he might not be interested in you for another reason. (Because everyone else on the planet has seen that now and if he hasn't that means he's obviously a very, very busy man.)

dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2… no eff you. why would you do this to me huh HUH?!

— Laura Temprosa (@_lauraaaaxo) August 16, 2012

The Mail Online article on the matter had some predictably nuts retweeters. While very few of them said anything about Daley being a terrorist, they seem to have taken him to their bosom as a kind of poster boy for good, old-fashioned British values.

@kimberleyb_ FOL (fuck our lifes) dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2…

— Emma Atkins (@emmaatkins_) August 15, 2012

Emma Atkins had a more existentialist take on the matter, reminding us that although Tom Daley may have a girlfriend, our lives are inherently pointless and the only absolute certainty is death. Who said Twitter was banal, eh? Expect to see #10ThingsIWouldLoveAboutKierkegaardIfThereWasAnyPointLovingAnything trending soon.

AS IF TOM DALEY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. IM HEART BROKEN LIKE I'LL CUT HER

— taylor chandler ☼ (@itsTchand) August 13, 2012

There were some people who had a slightly less philosophical way of dealing with this. Those who like to get the melancholy out of their systems by plunging knives into other people's.

Kassidy Cook, I'll kill you for stealing my Tom.

— TOM DALEY (@AliahSakinah) August 12, 2012

Ohhhh Kassidy Cook i will kill you!! so watch out.

— Mrs. Daley (@MonicsMoreno_1D) August 15, 2012

There were people whose outrage at Tom finding himself a good woman manifested itself in direct death threats. Cementing the angry tweet's position as the new brick through the window with a blood written note wrapped round it.

“@heatworld: Tom Daley takes ‘girlfriend’ Kassidy Cook to The Lion King bit.ly/PZfxY6” …slut

— Catherine Mulcair(@xcatmulcair) August 15, 2012

You go, girl. Kassidy Cook goes to The Lion King with a guy on the first date! What a slag. I bet they'll be at Phantom Of The Opera by the third one! Kassidy Cook is clearly the diving world's Cleopatra. The Rebecca Loos to Daley's amphibious David Beckham.

if gay people like Tom Daley, can we please kick them outta the fan base?Love from the fans

— anssaa to Tom Daley (@JLStoSatsTW) August 17, 2012

But if you think that was bad, get a load of this one. A person who believes that weird celebrity fan accounts should be the domain of heteros only. Quite possibly the worst thing anybody has ever said. Even @Rileyy_69 would balk at this.

Follow Clive on Twitter: @thugclive

Previously:

What Sort of Person Likes Ed Sheeran?

What Sort of Person Likes Mumford & Sons?

What Sort of Person Likes Chris Moyles?