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Girl Writer

Why I Still Don't Give Blowjobs (Most of the Time)

Blowjobs are a privilege, not a right.

by Alison Stevenson
21 July 2016, 4:00am

Photo courtesy of the author

Photo courtesy of the author

Over the past year, I've been asked on countless occasions, "Hey, aren't you that girl who doesn't suck dick?" It happens at parties. While waiting to order a drink at a bar. On Tinder. Perhaps this shouldn't be surprising, since I told the internet that I don't give blowjobs last March, but I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal.

As it turns out, I was very wrong. In my piece, I wrote about how after years of men expecting me to suck their dicks without ever reciprocating, I was fed up. If men expect to get an orgasm out of a hookup—without having to give anything in return—then I would adopt that approach, too.

As much as I dislike forever being associated with blowjobs (or rather, the lack thereof), I'm glad it started a real conversation about the unfairness in the giving and receiving of pleasure during sex between heterosexual partners. Writing it was therapeutic for me, too. I'm less angry than I was then, and a lot happier with myself and how I approach sex. And while it's a little awkward when guys message me on Tinder and tell me they know who I am—the no blowjob girl—the upside is that at least they know where I stand and must agree with it on some level.

But here's the thing: Since I wrote that article, I have sucked dick. Please, legions of haters, don't take this as some sort of win. I vowed never to suck dick the same way I vowed never to eat an entire baguette in one sitting—deep down, I knew it would happen again eventually. These days, when I choose to give blowjobs, it's under particular circumstances—namely, that my partner has actually taken the time to eat me out, make me come, and respect my sexual needs. I give blowjobs when they're deserved. The problem is, they very rarely are.

If a man is making my life feel like a Weeknd song, I'm not going to suck his dick. If you don't text me back, you don't deserve a mouth on your dick. On the other hand, if a guy treats me like a woman whose needs he respects and goes down on me first, then sure, I'll consider going down on him. But getting to that place has always been the struggle.

Penetration is great, but no matter how long, curved, or fat your dick is, it's not going to happen for me. That's true for plenty of other women, too—it's clit or bust. In other words, if a guy and I have sex, but I don't suck his dick, he can still come. If we have sex and he doesn't eat me out, I can't.

A few months before I wrote that first article, I'd been seeing a guy who refused to go down on me every time I asked. His excuse? He only does that when he's in a committed relationship with a woman. At the same time, he made it clear that he fully expected me to go down on him. He didn't seem to understand—or care about—the obvious hypocrisy.

Since then, I've learned to put my foot down. I recently saw an old love interest of mine, who was visiting from out of town. After a little bit of making out, he asked me if I had a condom. I told him I'd like for him to go down on me first, to which he replied, "I'll do it after we have sex." I've been fed that line before, and it almost always results in the guy suddenly being "too tired" to eat me out. I told him I'd prefer he just do it then, which would actually benefit the penetrative sex for both of us, but he said no. So I left.

For far too long, it's been OK to shun cunnilingus. I hear men all the time who say, "Nah, not for me." But when a woman decided to act the same toward sucking dick, it became a controversy. If I had to become the spokeswoman for cunnilingus to start to change that, so be it.

Of course, I've also realized that shunning blowjobs is probably a little extreme, which is why I broke my own rule. I gave a blowjob for the first time in over a year after a guy I had seriously strong feelings for ate me out in such a top-notch way I almost considered buying him a medal. We weren't in a relationship, but it was going in that direction, and he was giving me the attention and respect I now know to require of my romantic partners. Giving him head felt different than the times I had reluctantly done so for other guys in the past. I enjoyed pleasing him, because of how much I knew he enjoyed pleasing me.

Blowjobs are a privilege, not a right. When men can start to appreciate what it takes to get women off, I'll suck dick without complaint. But until then, I'm going to keep complaining.

Follow Alison Stevenson on Twitter.