How to Have Sex Under Lockdown Without Leaving the House

"Work hard, wank hard" is as good a motto as any for getting through these strange and trying times. Whether you're single, together-but-apart or just sick of the sight of your partner, one thing about the lockdown is universally true: our sex lives aren't what they used to be. While many couples are exploring digital sex, single people who don't already have a regular sexual partner are forced to get much more creative when it comes to getting off.

Social distancing has put a stop to the traditional methods, i.e. getting battered and taking a random home, or swiping through the meat market until you find somebody suitable. So for those of you who live alone or haven't yet resorted to hooking up with a housemate or neighbour (the one you recently said "isn't that bad, actually" after previously rating them a 5/10), getting your fix during lockdown is going to be tricky.

But in the immortal words of Ronan Keating: life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it, all night long. With that in mind, here are a few sexual avenues to explore as a single person during the coronavirus lockdown.

Pre-lockdown, people seemed to be split into two camps: a) horny, and b) worried about running out of toilet roll. It's not up to me to say whose survival plan is more robust, or which group is more populous. Instead, I'll let the numbers speak for themselves. Tinder received its highest recorded number of swipes worldwide a couple of weeks into lockdown, while sex toy brands across the board have seen a spike in sales (according to a press release, the boutique sex toy company JeJoue saw a 70 percent increase in visitors to their site, compared with the same year-earlier period). If you're thinking of investing in a sex toy, you have never been in greater company.

Happily, sex tech has undergone a huge amount of innovation over the past decade, meaning that the options available for would-be solo shaggers are more abundant than ever before. Whatever your sexual predilection, there's a toy for it. For those who have a sexual partner but are quarantining in different places, what about a Fleshlight and virtually-connected dildo combo over a grainy Zoom chat? Or posting your partner the remote to the sex toy that you wear and giving them control over your orgasms?

If money is tight, as it is for many of us at the moment, then it might be time to get creative with an electric toothbrush and some coconut oil, or that old faux pearl necklace. At this stage, all ideas are good ideas.

When it comes to having sex on your own, humanity has never really bettered phone sex. Whether that's breathy moaning over a muffled line or ferocious pings of aubergine emojis, we owe a lot to Alexander Bell. And since the technological innovation of smartphones, the opportunities to get freaky with someone at a distance are much more diverse: video chat, voice notes, grainy videos, selfies, steamy self-timed portraits, long textual descriptions and everyone's lockdown favourite, Houseparty (make sure you lock the room, though).

Maybe you're thinking all this sounds a bit complicated. In which case, keep it simple: nothing beats an old-fashioned round of phone sex. And with various free calling platforms out there, geography needn't be a problem.

Look, we're all fantasists at heart, aren't we? Plus, we have way, way more time on our hands now. So why not use your primal urges to develop your artistic skills, like Michelangelo or Miguel before you. For the more adventurous who do have a regular boning companion, why not go a step further and send your hot creations in the post? Think about it: your partner hears the leafy knock of paper hitting the floor in their hallway, scurries round the corner to see what it is and, lo and behold, your steamiest fantasies are there waiting for them. Important to emphasise here that you should always ask for consent before engaging in this sort of behaviour. And obviously, for the sake of the heroes out there risking their lives and delivering the post, make sure you keep it all wrapped up respectfully.

I suppose you could also simply send a nude, but that's so pre-Covid. Think outside the box for once.

No, thank you!

Modern life has made us all impatient, hasn't it? Fast food, fast fun, fast orgasms. In sex, though, perhaps more so than any other area, the value of the slow build cannot be underestimated.

The opportunities to live out your best Romeo and Juliet fantasy during this pandemic are endless. Perhaps you've had a meet-cute with a hot neighbour you'd never seen before in the bin store. Maybe you’ve fired up Hinge and hit it off with a great person who is self-isolating on the other side of the city. Maybe your friends organised a Houseparty birthday celebration, and you spotted a hottie top right and asked your mate for their name. Maybe you ask all your friends if they have any single mates quarantining alone who would be up for some video dating.

Whatever your preferred method of liaison, one thing that's fairly likely is that neither of you will be as busy as you are normally – what better setting for romance to grow and build? You literally have NOTHING ELSE ON. Obviously this carries the risk of finally meeting someone after months of digital dating and not fancying them IRL, but tbh whatever gets us through the next few months will have to do.

@RoseStokes