This Fucking Weather

We Asked People How Much More of This They Can Take

Today, the UK's all-time hot temperature record could be broken.

by Patrick Heardman
27 July 2018, 8:00am

Photo: Anna Koldunova / Alamy Stock Photo

Remember rain? Hydration? Do you remember the last time you sat on some grass and didn't think, 'Hey, all this horrible scratchy brown stuff makes me feel like I'm sitting inside a pouch of Drum tobacco'? Can you comprehend the concept of "trousers"? No, you cannot. And neither can I, because this is life now. It's so hot that grass has started spontaneously combusting.

The highest temperature recorded in the UK is 38.5C, and depending on whether you trust the Daily Express or not, temperatures today are set to break that record. Which is just disgusting. With this in mind, I decided to check in on some people to see how they are sustaining life in these Dantean conditions.

VICE: Hi. How many pints of sweat have you secreted in the past week?
Adrian, 24: Probably less than a litre, still. I've been indoors a lot – I've been avoiding the sun a lot, man.

Is that bucket hat doing its job, or is it more a style thing?
It's half and half, really, cos' I love the buckets, and plus it shades me a little bit, you know what I'm saying?

How many ice lollies have you eaten during the heatwave?
Erm, I've had like three, still, but that was in one day, though. I think it was a Fruit Pastille lolly. It's sick, 'cause it's got this kind of spiral effect inside as well as it being kinda like columned, you know what I'm saying? It's kinda sick, still.

How many times have you said, "If anything, it's just too hot"?
In an hour, maybe like 40 times, 'cause you be sitting there, you be like, "Fuck, it's too hot, I'm dying!" I don't know how I'm gonna deal, fam, I swear.

How much longer can you take?
I'm enjoying it. The hotter, the better, to be honest with you, 'cause in Britain we don't get weather like this, like all season round, like it's literally one little quarter.

How many flies have you killed?
I've killed a few, still. I'm quite the murderer.

Please, if you could, tell me how many pints you've sweated in the last seven days?
Celio, 37: Erm, I don't think I've sweated pints – I've tried to keep cool, you know? I mean, I come from Brazil, where there's a lot of heat, so it makes me feel like I'm back home when I see weather like this.

What's that on your beer?
I put an ice pack on the side just to keep it cool. I thought, 'You know what? I want to sit outside, but my beer gonna get hot pretty quickly – why not stick an ice pack on?' This is just a hairband from my daughter, who's nine, and, you know, I just put it around it like this. She's on holiday, so I don't think she minds.

How much longer can you take?
Because I'm from a hot place, for me it's OK, but I understand this is not normal for Britain. I miss the rain, to be fair. I feel like for the elderly it might be difficult.

Would you say you've killed many flies?
I've put my recycling in the cupboard to stop the fruit flies coming in and breeding.

So, ice lollies. Had many of them?
Phoebe, 23: In April, Vogue International – where I work – had an ice cream man come, and last week, for a meeting, they said, "We didn't think anyone would come, so we bought you all ice creams."

Oh nice. How much longer do you think it's going to last?
I'm leaving the country. I give up. I'm going to Naples.

Is it not even hotter there?
Well, this is one of these delirious "it's too hot" moments. I get them a lot at work; I told them I was going to quit if it didn't cool down.

What did they say?
They said, "Okay."

Who said the fashion industry was cutthroat. So, what about flies. Have you smushed many?
I got one in my hair.

Was it attracted to the luminous...
I just watched it fall out my hair and go down the drain, and I thought, 'Wow. I drowned you and suffocated you in bleach.'

That's a pretty brutal way to go.
Yeah. There are all these dead fly bodies everywhere, too. Like on my bedside table next to my water glass there's a little fly. I'm sleeping next to a dead body, a very tiny one. He's been there three nights and I haven't moved him, and I keep thinking, 'I never even met you, and now you're just dead here.'

It's hot. You sweat. How much have you been sweating?
Zander, 24: Way too much. Maybe like two pints? I don't know.

All I can think of when I ask that question is the sweatsuit challenge in Jackass when Steve-O drinks a cup of Preston Lacy's thick gloopy sweat.
Oh, I'm not sure I've seen that.

It's not pleasant. How many ice lollies have you eaten during this unpleasantly hot spell?
Like three? I actually had a massive tussle up between a Solero and a Twister the other day. I think I almost had a Solero and then I just got a Twister.

How much longer can you take of this heat?
I think I can hold out. I'm OK at just getting on with stuff. I work in a studio, and I'm in there for about 30 minutes, and that's kind of my cutoff point, that's all the work I can do.

How many flies have you killed?
I feel like there are some wanted posters out for me – all sense of humanity has gone out the window. Insects in general. I woke up at a house the other day that is infested with ants because they've just got kind of holes in their wall and stuff, and it was my job to hoover them all up. Don't tell PETA.

@PatrickBenjam

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