Tearing into Ed Sheeran is like Sellotaping a hamster to a hand-glider, tossing it off a mountain, then expecting to feel good about it. It's (a) useless and (b) horrifically dumb. Nonetheless, our country’s badly dressed emperor has released a new music video for song "Perfect" and it's worth getting into on the basis that, like most things related to Ed Sheeran and his career, none of it makes any sense. So much so in fact that even the most banal moments present a vast platter of nonsensical dimensions.
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For example:
What the fuck train line is this, the Narnia express? What country are you at? Send postcode or fake.
Man, why are you carrying this pic? Why are you ruining the world? Please, samaritan, use a phone.
If you watch this video with the sound off, these ‘standard establishing scenes’ look like you've got plans to kill this woman. There she is, in that folded-and-unfolded-then-folded-again photo. Now here you are, staring at her from outside the window which isn’t at all weird and is completely the way you prepare to say hi to a friend before a road trip.
Bruh, u OK??
Really just how have you gone on a ski retreat and played the Emile Heskey role?
And why are you driving? Bro….. :(
Also what’s that you’re doing with your eyes, please keep them on the road, we trusted you WTF.
But just to be absolutely clear, the reason you're not looking at the fucking treacherous winding road is because you're – once again – staring at your smiley woman friend who you may still be hoping to murder later. This video is supposed to be romantic, right? Right??
How far into his viewing of mediocre 2010 indie thriller Frozen – in which a group of friends get stuck on a ski lift and mostly just sit there until they die – did Ed Sheeran think “if you mashed this up with the video for ‘Last Christmas’ and gave it a happy ending this would actually make a lovely advert for pyjamas”?
Isn’t this dangerous? To be up the mountain so late at night?
Also your GF can’t ski and these man are stunting down the hill, how is she getting home? WTF
Useless forced fun TBH
Someone please immediately drop the full-length version of well-known pop hit “Mooj Mooj Mooj” cos I couldn’t find a damn thing for it on Spotify or Google. What? Why not just put made-up lyrics in the English language on the karaoke screen? There are five people credited with “writing” this music video ffs.
After picking up renowned Austrian delicacy, pizza, you leads your friend through the darkened forest to a cabin. Just quickly though, where the hell are you? Where are their other friends? Did you book this other hidden and sinister cabin in advance? We’ve all been gone off that extra shot-ski vodka but this reads less as ‘cute’ and more ‘a perfect, secluded spot in which to do something terrible.’
Please don’t.
FFS Ed.. the guitar? Now? Ok…
Also some serious fashion no-nos here. Related: where did the outfit changes come from? Are you wearing the pyjamas left in this cabin when its previous inhabitants fled?
Finally… Where TF did the cat come from?
I say cat, but it’s a tiny kitten really, isn’t it, probably about six weeks old. And it was either a) found in the snow? Or b) They brought it with them, on the train, then up a mountain, strapped into one of their luggage bags, then let it play outside in minus degree temperatures. Either option is extremely irresponsible. I hope Ed Sheeran’s love interest reported him to the RSPCA when they got back from Austrian Narnia.You can find Noisey on Twitter.