This article originally appeared on Noisey US.
Rappers can be really obsessed with poop. I'm not talking about MCs using various phrasings of "dropping shit" to denote how they're spitting some niceness into a microphone. Nope, some of hip-hop's foremost artists have gotten way more specific when it comes to their relationship with their stools and have proudly rapped about using fresh faeces in all manner of innovative (and usually downright gross) ways. While we can all cop to really enjoying a peaceful poop session – and there's a synergistic chance you're actually reading this off your phone while squatting on the porcelain throne – it's safe to say that your turd time is tame stuff compared to those lyrical excrement experts who have revealed shit's role in the drug mule game, involved it in bedroom shenanigans, and even lauded the importance of a hygienic wipe strategy.
In honor of hip-hop's scatalogical pioneers, here are ten pungent examples of rappers doing stuff to literally make 'em say "uhh."
An Introduction To Poop Philosophy
Back in the mid-'90s, you could find Outkast's Big Boi setting his stall out as a sagely bathroom philosopher. Musing on the trifling nature of existence, he used his spot on the elegiac ATLiens album cut "E.T. (Extraterrestrial)" to lament, "Man it kills me / Taking that life is like taking a shit / Hit or miss, niggas are playing God." Big Boi's pontification is aimed at those kids who "put the glock to work," but if you dig deep into his reasoning you could also suggest that upping his daily fibre game would do away with the unpredictable nature of a successful dump and set him on a path to regular morning constitutionals. Flax seed is eternal truth.
The Ten Pounds Lighter Theory
In the days when he was still revelling as AmeriKKKa's most wanted and vowing to kill Uncle Sam, Ice Cube served up one of the all time most relatable shit lyrics. The track is "Steady Mobbin'," a heady slice of gangsta funk that features our swaggering host cruising around his neighbourhood in a Chevy Impala while packing heat. After "grubbin' like a motherfucker" on so much soul food, Cube is moved to declare to his crew, "Now I gots to take a shit!" Cube takes a detour to his mom's house and delights in letting the world know he's just "dropped a load in the bathroom." As he hops back into his lowrider, Cube quips: "Coming out feeling about ten pounds lighter." O'Shea is a man who truly understands the ecstatic relief that accompanies a monster deposit.
What's That In Your Pants?
When it comes to a literal example of a rapper's threats prompting a foe to physically crap themselves, the honours go to GZA on Wu-Tang's "Clan In Da Front." After threatening, "I come sharp as a blade and cut you slow," the trickle-down theory unfurls: "What's that in your pants? Ahh, human faeces! / Throw your shitty drawers in the hamper / Next time come strapped with a fucking Pamper." Insert obligatory shoutout to Shorty Shitstain.
The Nasty Boys And Girls Club
Every year on March 9, we celebrate the genius of the dearly departed The Notorious B.I.G. This usually involves theories about how he was hip-hop's lyrical GOAT – but the occasion is rarely used to spotlight the rotund rapper's esteemed contributions to the ancient art of coprophilia. Yep, when it comes to adding faeces to your bedroom repertoire, Big's your man.
"Nasty Boy," from Life After Death, opens with Big guffawing to a friend over the phone about how a girl he met requested he "shit on her." (Keeping it classy not ashy, she'd also set up candles for ambience.) Ever the pragmatist, Big wonders, "What the fuck I'm supposed to do after I shit on her? I'm supposed to hit that after that?" Undeterred, Big goes ahead and drops some requested nuggets on his conquest.
Don't assume the "Nasty Boy" tryst was a one off – Big also teamed up with the 2 Live Crew's Uncle Luke to coin "Bust A Nut." The track's an ode to the various ways the randy duo like to get their freak on, complete with Big's opening poetry: "Fuck for 'bout an hour, now she want a golden shower / You didn't know that we be pissing on hoes, bitch / Luke and Biggie straight shitting on hoes, bitch." Weirdly, Big then turns to something of a prude as he tells the same girl "you must be crazy" for asking him to engage in the tame tease of licking her toes.
Introducing Crustified Caca
It turns out the '90s were peak times for rappers with a shit fetish. Back when he was rocking the moniker Crustified Dibbs, RA The Rugged Man splattered scatological gems all over his (eventually unreleased) Night Of The Bloody Apes album: "Bloody Ave" has our host dropping dung on a kitchen table, "You Ain't Never Been Down" includes him bestowing stool samples on ladies of suspect repute, and "Statchy" features him copping to crapping in front of his girl before wondering whether the act is "really disgusting." (It's a relationship question for the ages.)
At this point you wouldn't be surprised if Biggie Smalls was closely monitoring the bodily waste count – and you'll be relieved to know Big himself pops up on "Cunt Renaissance," wherein Bed-Stuy's finest does a charming impression of a romantic suitor while RA talks about his sweetheart sampling her own filth off his perky appendage. (Popular rumours that RA also once shat on a million dollar mixing board might not be entirely accurate.)
Scoop Up Your Poop!
"Dog Shit" is one of the most brilliantly bizarre album tracks in hip-hop history. Appearing midway through the second part of Wu-Tang's gigantic Wu-Tang Forever project, the song is basically an excuse for Ol' Dirty Bastard to air out a bunch of stream of consciousness lyrics that climax with the endearingly mentalist rapper going deep on his poop-smeared sex games. Talking to a girl who struts around wearing a "bra too tight," Dirt Dog is soon letting her lick the no doubt crusty rim of his asshole before casting himself as Rover, a horny canine who enjoys pooping on his companion's metaphorical lawn. Method Man also gets his voyeuristic kicks on from the sidelines as he chips in with the commentary, "Stankin'-ass hoes."
Underscoring the off-kilter nature of the song, "Dog Shit" is followed by a skit rant about "nasty backup dancers for En Vogue" and people wearing "Speak & Spell shoes." This all made far more sense back in the keep-it-real '90s era.
Keeping It Clean
Actually, forget keeping it real – let's give it up to Lil Wayne who has emerged as an unlikely advocate for keeping things squeaky clean. When it comes to his low end theory, Weezy F Baby is all about hipping his army of followers to the importance of a thorough wiping. Chilling in the crib naked on "IANAHB," we're told, "Tunechi, you the shit, you need your ass wiped," while on the Dedication 3 cut "Bang Bang" he lays out his strict house rules to Jae Millz and Gudda Gudda: "'Cause I'ma heat this shit/ And I'ma eat this shit/ Planet Earth is my toilet, you're beneath this shit/ Then I flush and wipe my ass."
Most impressively of all, on "I'm Not Human" Weezy F lets us know that his untold riches haven't changed his basic stance towards keeping it so fresh and clean. "Rockstar shit from my rockstar ass/ Got a tub full of money – that's a rockstar bath," he spits in a typically braggadocio manner, before letting his OCD tendencies kick in: "Then I use more money to wipe my rockstar ass/ Then I throw it in the garbage, that's rockstar trash." Reports that Lil Wayne also attempted to have a bidet smuggled into Rikers Island during his stay at the facility are also probably true.
Dumping As Revenge
After Eminem broke through as a mainstream megastar, he scooped up his old group, D12, and helped turn the sextet into cartoon anti-heroes who delighted in bringing their shock schtick to the world. 2001's kooky "Shit On You" also illuminates the way rappers sometimes aren't physically crapping on a foe, but instead embracing the process as an all-encompassing way of asserting their superiority. Well, that's sort of meant to be the case – although thanks to a devilish Slim Shady chorus that repeatedly promises "I'll shit on you," you're left with the impression that at some point Proof, Bizarre, Kuniva and the rest of the bunch were definitely taking dumps on random houses, spouses, rings and other assorted possessions as if enacting some literally shitty frat house prank.
Rap Game Vs. Dung Game
On "Peacoat," Future revealed that when the mood takes him he's not averse to dabbling in the occasional golden shower. But on "Mark McGwire" the space-age ATLien also detailed how he deals with pee's bodily neighbour poop when it comes to the drug game. Pitching himself as a hands on street pharmacist, Future boasts, "I know my dope raw – I seen it come out her ass." Then comes the sacrificial doo-doo moment: "I wipe that shit off and throw it right in the bag." No gloves required.
Finally, Some Good Old-Fashioned Wholesome Pooping
At this point, you might be feeling a little queasy from all the bizarro crap handling that rappers have been engaging in. So let's turn to hip-hop's lovable clown prince, Biz Markie, to end things on an altogether more charming note. Dropping back in hip-hop's golden age, "T.S.R. (Toilet Stool Rap)" hits home like a wholesome, kid-friendly ode to both the joys of enjoying a poop session and reaping the creative inspiration that can strike when you're squatted down. "I would walk into the bathroom to take a crap/ I sit down and then I write me a toilet stool rap / Whether I'm constipated or have diarrhoea / I always come out with a funky fresh idea," the Biz relays over a low-slung funky beat before going on to claim that Run from Run-DMC also writes his group's hits while on the crapper. Bringing some semblance of decorum to hip-hop toilet room rules, we're also informed how the Biz's throne is a place of quiet and peaceful sanctuary, as he mandates that "no girls, no guys, no dogs, no cats/ No parents, no nieces, no nephews, no brats" are allowed inside. Privacy is truly king.
Phil Mlynar is keeping it clean on Twitter.