The World Would Be a Better Place If We Made These Video Game Gadgets for Real

Come on, people, are you seriously telling me you'd take the stairs if you owned a Portal Gun?

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09 February 2016, 3:12am

A Portal Gun ready to be used to solve some puzzles... or to break into a bank, perhaps

Looking to save the world by recycling more, donating money to charities protecting endangered species, or by erecting giant solar panels on your roof? I admire your efforts, I do, truly. But since the planet's pretty much doomed already, how's this for an idea: we make what time Earth has left as a habitable option for the human race a whole lot better by improving the lives we have, today. And I've the perfect project to get everyone making the most of the pre-apocalypse era: we set about making video game gadgets, for real.

I can hear your frown from here, but bear with me on this. Creating actual working versions of the following video game gear has the potential to make us all fitter, happier people. These are problem-solving contraptions that, in a fair and just society, would already be ours. But, as we all know too well, there is little that's fair about our everyday grind – so we're yet to realise these magical machines for real.

But from reversing hangovers to avoiding traffic, these gadgets have the ability to make life as we all know it pretty sweet, if only time could be committed to their invention and prototyping instead of, I suppose, monitoring the rising sea levels to assess the best way to reduce the risks faced by coastal populations? Just a suggestion. Oh, but please, god, don't create these things and let them fall into the wrong hands. Then we'd be looking at everything from serious invasions of privacy to grand larceny, perhaps a lot of Jill sandwiches. You get my point.

So come on now, people – stop separating plastic, worry less about releasing pandas back into the wild, and forget about harnessing the sun's energy. The big burning bastard's going to consume the entire planet eventually, anyway. Rather, I seriously recommend you consider the potential of these gadgets. Here are seven you shouldn't live without, and yet you're being made to, right now. Probably. Unless you're a supervillain of some kind with all of this stuff already well beyond the blueprint stage, in which case: we surrender.

Old-man Snake and his Metal Gear

Metal Gear Mk.II

As seen in Snatcher and the Metal Gear Solid series

Much like R2-D2, or a Minion on steroids, this machine companion is your own personal whipping boy, albeit one possessing handy abilities – like being able to help you out when tracking down a bunch of human-replacing robots. With the ability to carry out reconnaissance, transport items and assess your physical condition, this mini mobile terminal has just replaced man's best friend. Oh, and did I mention that it can also transfer data by accessing computer ports, use stealth camo and administer electric shocks to your enemies? Whether you're too lazy to get off the couch to feed yourself, making sure your significant other isn't cheating on you or just concerned about your health, obtaining one of these should be a priority.

On the flipside, evildoers everywhere just upped their computer hacking skills and you should probably watch out for "random" shocks on the subway.

A couple of robots, a couple of portal guns, as seen in 'Portal 2'

The Portal Gun

As seen in Portal and its sequel

This gadget allows the user to create two linked portals, usually on flat surfaces like walls or ceilings, that objects (including humans) can pass through. It also allows the user to lift heavy objects by use of a gravity function, and move them through the portals too.

This handy little not-actually-a-gun really has some remarkable potential – even if it encourages a bit of laziness. Is your office on the top floor? Create a couple of portals and you're there in less time than it takes you to think about what a shitty time you'd be having walking up all those stairs. Moving house? Don't break your back lift that heavy couch. Use the gravity feature. Even NASA should take a look at this gadget – think about all the money they could save by investing in portal guns for intergalactic travel, rather than spending millions on those pesky rocket ships.

On the downside, banks should probably think about tightening up security.

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Jake here, probably about to rewind to before this movie was green lit

The Dagger of Time

As seen in those PS2-period Prince of Persia games you loved, and that awful Jake Gyllenhaal movie

When coupled with the Sands of Time, this gadget grants the user control of time. These powers can include reversing, slowing down and even stopping time completely, as well as a variety of other temporal capabilities.

For anyone who has ever made a relationship mistake, this is probably something you should check out. There is nothing a little reversing of time can't undo. Or perhaps you gambled away your life savings in one night, drank too much the night before, or let your friends convince you that jumping off a roof into their pool sounded like fun. No task is too small or too large – just make sure you don't run out of that sand, as it's sort of essential to making this thing work. Don't ask me why. "Magic".

If this device fell in the wrong hands, though, there's a pretty good chance that every living thing on the planet would be threatened. Release the Sands of Time and somehow people turn into monsters. World War III, here we come.

Mate, I'd put that away before someone gets hurt

Sky-Hooks

As seen in BioShock Infinite

Attached as hand extensions, these can be used to ride through cities, zip-line style. And then there's the secondary perk of keeping one handy: sky-hooks are very efficient at cutting people's faces into ribbons.

With sky-hooks an everyday accessory, waiting in traffic just became a non-issue. With enough skylines around, going to work becomes an adventure. (I'm also pretty sure that this gadget would make the can-opener obsolete.)

On the other hand, airport security would become a real issue, and petty theft on the street just got an upgrade.

Batman here, about to bust up some bad guys as spied using detective mode

Detective Mode

As seen in Rocksteady's Arkham series of Batman games – and a good handful of other titles that rip it off

This great piece of technology not only allows the user to see through walls, but also learn a great deal of information about objects in view. Simply looking at passers-by will tell you if they are a friend or foe, if they are armed, and their emotional state. It goes without saying that this would be darn useful. You no longer have to worry about trying to avoid the boss at work, or spend the evening unsure if your significant other is legitimately mad at you for overwriting their Arkham City save. They'd only just started, come on.

If used by underhanded sorts, though, this device would be pretty detrimental to anyone hoping to hide his tears while watching movies like The Notebook.

On Motherboard: I Tried to Hack My Circadian Rhythm with a Bright Light Therapy Headset

Snake, you're doing this wrong

Stealth Camouflage

As seen in the Metal Gear Solid series

This advanced apparel has the ability to render the wearer practically invisible by bending light around them. Though I can think of far more nefarious purposes for this gadget than good ones, I believe that it could come in quite handy for catching potential TPers on Halloween.

Honestly, anyone who's ever been late to work, needs to avoid confrontations with an obnoxious roommate, or simply wants to miss out on being chosen for a dreadful task could use this gadget to improve their lives ten fold.

If used for nefarious purposes, this could become the new go-to gadget for peeping toms, clandestine vandals, and those seeking to escape prison by just walking out the front door.

(And yes, "invisibility cloaks" exist, but they're far from perfect, or available on the mass market.)

Let this bastard loose on the battlefield and it's game over, groove on

The Groovitron

As seen in the Ratchet & Clank series

When unleashed, this rainbow disco ball renders its targets incapable of doing anything other than dancing. With your enemies bumping and grinding to the delicious tracks of the Groovitron, you are free to go about your business without any resistance. On another note, this might serve as the perfect birthday present for those who love to dance or don't want to dance alone, forcing those strolling through any public place to join a flash mob against their will.

And if this fell into the wrong hands? Well, wedding receptions across the world just got a lot scarier.

@Erin_MAllen

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