A Pig Got Loose and Britain’s Most British Week Ever Somehow Got More British

Don't know if you saw it yesterday but Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof had a boat fight on the Thames. I know: I am still trying to process that sentence, and I was there. Can you imagine trying to get to sleep at night, knowing that only 12 hours earlier you were watching Bob Geldof flick European Vs at Nigel Farage? From a boat? That was blasting music? On the Thames? While 35 fishing trawlers and three helicopters watched? Can you imagine how I am supposed to live my life, now? My life is now very neatly cleaved in to two distinct periods: pre-Bob (P.B.), and anno geldofi. Something within me is irreparable shook, broken. Something within me was broken by a flotilla and shall never be fixed.

A pig is loose on Severn Bridge.

TRAVEL: M48 SEVERN BRIDGE - Traffic officers are attempting to capture pig which escaped from a lorry. — BBC Points West (@bbcpointswest)June 16, 2016

It feels like, in the lead up to the referendum, that Britain is going into parody mode: some sort of unconscious move where Britain somehow becomes more Britainy, peak Britain, a caricature of Britain designed to dig into the deep veins of nostalgia than run through us all – yes, even you, you trendy young VICE ready, with your nose piercing – a sort of clotted-cream-and-well-dressing-parties version of Britain that gently ushers you to it and says, 'Shh. Shh. Britain, remember? Big lamb roasts and lots of drizzle. You don't want that Europe, do you, with its croissants? Nah. Come on. Britain. Lovely bit of Britain. Have a bit of Britain'. First the big mad boat fight ('Remember boat fights?' Britain is saying. 'We used to have loads of them. Anyway here's Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof getting aggro about fish') and now a pig on a motorway, which police are trying to catch. This is what I imagine Britain was like during the entire ten-year period between 1970 and 1980: policeman, pink in the face and panting, desperately running round after a pig while holding a truncheon. Truly, we are living through halcyon times.

Back to the pig:

Fifteen reasons why I love this, a hundred thousand reasons why I love it. Firstly: how in the fuck does a pig escape a locked van? Does this motherfucker have thumbs?But mainly: because there is something so enjoyable about animals fucking up the lives of humans with joyous motorway running. Animals don't give a shit, do they? Animals don't have to worry about Europe. Animals' minds are pure and clear. An animal could behold Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof bumping their big angry old man chests together and they would just assume it was a mating ritual and move on. Animals aren't worried about the football, about their debt. Animals don't mind if Angela Merkel has opinions. Animals don't have to keep checking their bank accounts and forget to cancel their Netflix payments. Animals live and animals die and occasionally they sprint full pelt down a busy commuter bridge, and fundamentally, deep down within them, they are unburdened. They are happy. They are free. Am I jealous of a pig, sprinting full melt down a suspension bridge? You know I am. I am deeply, deeply jealous.

What's next for parody Britain, I wonder? First the boats, now the pig: I feel like the next week is going to be hectic. Mary Berry bakes a really elaborate cake in the shape of the European Parliament building and symbolically destroys it with a croquet bat. Richard backs Out and Judy backs In and they both go at each other on an episode of Loose Women the Mail later describes as a "literal bloodbath". An as-yet-unheard of Out-leaning protest group try and unfurl a Union Flag on Tower Bridge but somehow it goes on fire and ends up offending the exact people it was trying to win onside. Nigel Farage is shot through a long lens camera enjoying a pint of Belgian beer and a French gitane and has to issue a teary public apology in front of the Freemason's Hall. Chico from off of X Factor comes back from the abyss with a song called 'It's Exit Time'. The bridge pig had the right idea. Escape from the madness, piggy. Escape into the sea. I only wish, this week, that I was just a pig, running from a van, about to be clubbed to death by the police. Don't we all.

@joelgolby

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