Since the dawn of time mankind has predicted the end of the world, and with each supposed apocalypse the same question has been asked: Who's throwing the party? The first true Armaggedon kegger commando was Noah, and he had some pretty good ideas. The Ark was a slick call – chicks love boats and they make everyone feel like they're in a rap video. Personally, we would have invited attractive humans instead of literally every species of animal, but it takes all sorts.
But assuming your idea of a good time isn't a floating animal orgy of biblical proportions, times like these can be a great opportunity for unbridled hedonism. When you know that death is imminent, all your usual party-limiting concerns fly out the window – like money, health, guilt and the constant drive to repress homoerotic thoughts about your bros. With Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg's apocalyptic comedy This Is the End hitting theatres on June 28th, we thought this was a good time to give you some end-of-the-world party tips.
Alcohol is a social lubricant and obviously important because without it we'd all be exposed as anti-social quivering wrecks instead of party-cruising Lotharios who have no trouble befriending or punching anyone we meet. The key is not to get carried away, even though it's the end of the world. If you aren't careful you'll miss everything and wake up in a bathroom, desperately picking chunks of vomit from the fur of your best friend's cat. Actually, forget about the cat. It's the end of the world – fuck it – throw up some more chunks on the cat. Braid vom-chunks into the cat's hair and then Bedazzle its ears for all we care. This is probably the one time you're going to be able to vom-dazzle your best friend's cat, so go all out. The point is: You don't want to pass out early because you'll miss all the fun.
Unlike alcohol, you can smoke weed for hours and still have sex. This really makes it the key apocalypse drug. There’s no need to hold back. The lethal dosage of marijuana is about 1,500 pounds consumed within 15 minutes, so you're gonna want to undercut that by just a couple of grams. We would suggest hot-boxing your mansion/Ark with a giant weed-bonfire.
You'll find that people will be fucking anything that moves, and some things that don't. Anything goes here. Your friend's girlfriend? Sure. Your friend's dad? No one would blame you. There will be record-breaking orgies which, illuminated by the dancing firelight from the weed-bonfire, will resemble a sexy Satanic ritual. Feel free to be voyeuristic for a bit, but a seasoned party veteran knows to avoid orgies because in the free-for-all you often don't get to choose who gets to tickle your genitals. Sometimes you'll be completely unaware of who's tickling your genitals and you'll turn around and they're people with bad hygiene, awful shoes and three teeth.
Your safest bet is to find the "party boy/girl". You know – the drunk, sexy, self-destructive one. If everything's going accordingly, you'll find them in the centre of a group of cheering people doing unsuccessful keg-stands. But don't worry, this doesn't mean they've picked their mate yet. This first phase is like when street performers use megaphone-hype to gather hordes of tourists before the real performance. Once you've found the swarm, hustle your way to its sexy, drunken epicentre and make your move. Having already acquired tequila/lime/salt, raise your bottle above your head and, with a collegiate enthusiasm only ever seen before in Adam Herz movies, shout at the top of your lungs “WHO WANTS TO DO BOOOODY SHOTS?”
Unless you’re Michael-Cera-level awk, this will be met with loud cheers and the party boy/girl will be instantly enamoured. Body shots are just a weirdly sanctioned way to publicly molest each other, so make a point of engaging your target for the first one and you’re in.
Follow this guide and you should be extremely high, slightly buzzed and hopefully still receiving oral sex when meteors and brimstone begin to destroy human civilisation. What a way to go – and you don’t even need to bother cleaning up.
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At Cinemas June 28