Ooh, Ooh, Ooooh, Ooooooof!

Compiled by VICE Staff

Rubbing yourself up against a dink or a giner is good for having an orgasm, but all too often these organs of pleasure are attached to a human being who may end up causing you trouble, strife, or, worst of all, LOSS OF MONEY.

In this time of economic world downfall, many are opting out of sex with other people, preferring instead to pleasure themselves using a technique known as “masturbating,” “jerking off,” or “onanizin’.” It’s normal for both men and women to use their hands or store-bought “dildos, “Rabbits,” or “anal ass-destroyer ass exploders” to practice masturbation, but thriftier, smarter people are looking back to their early teenage years, when household implements were utilized as objects of erotic stimulation, often in the woods behind the school playing field or their grandparents’ bathroom as Gramps snored noisily in front of

Murder, She Wrote

.

Keen to investigate these methods, we conducted a transatlantic scientific experiment to deduce whether the technology employed in teenage sexual explorations is effective enough to render future human copulation redundant.

The three criteria were:

1. Goodness of feel

2. Difficulty of use/assembly/cleanup

3. General skeeze factor

We now present you with our findings.

SUBJECT A: KARLEY SCIORTINO, GIRL

CAT’S TONGUE

Back when I was 14, I awoke from a nude midafternoon nap with my dog licking my vagina. And I may or may not have let her go at it for a few seconds before swatting her away. Unfortunately, I wasn’t hardcore enough to try this again. My friend Hannah, however, loves letting her cat lick her pussy. She swears that receiving cunnilingus from an animal is way better than from any man tongue. I think her exact words were, “It’s like oohhhmygodooohhmmyyygooooood good.” And despite what you may have heard, cat tongue actually feels way better than dog tongue because of its rough, sandpaperlike texture. This picture is a bit shit, but try getting your cat to pose for a photo five minutes after you’ve just tricked it into licking your vagina. Whoops, I mean my friend’s vagina.

Goodness of feeling:

10/10

Difficulty:

It’s easier to toilet-train your cat, like Charles Mingus did.

Skeeze factor:

Through the roof and probably illegal. Actually, wait—is oral sex with a cute fluffy pussycat illegal? It should be.

SHOWERHEAD

I am a firm believer that the showerhead is God’s gift to women. In fact, my love for the showerhead is so strong that I now associate taking a shower more with coming than I do with cleaning myself. It’s perfect. It’s self-lubricating, it never sneakily tries to put itself in your ass, and it leaves you feeling clean, as opposed to sticky and smelling like discharge. Masturbating with a showerhead is so good that I even sexy dreams about it. Instead of being pummeled by Jamie Bell, I’m having an intimate moment in a Roman bath with a beautifully crafted, antique showerhead. It’s so romantic.

Goodness of feeling:

9/10.

Difficulty:

Are you kidding?

Skeeze factor:

This is a perfectly guilt-free, sanitary way of a pre-going-to-work frig.

A CUCUMBER

Anyone who says she’s never stuck food up her vagina is just a fucking liar. Back in high school, girls used carrots. Now that I’m a bit older and my flesh cave has stretched out to the point that it’s verging on baggy, I have moved on from slim-fit to super-plus tampons and use cucumbers rather than carrots. (If you make it to eggplant, you’ve gone too far.) Fucking yourself with a cucumber feels OK but not amazing. You definitely have to cover it in some form of lube first, otherwise it’s painful. But still, there’s no clitoral stimulation, which is shitty. This is why I don’t understand dildos. If it doesn’t vibrate and your clit isn’t getting any action, it’s pointless to me. Gash-tly, even. Get it?

Goodness of feel:

3/10.

Difficulty:

Cinchy.

Skeeze factor:

I thought about cleaning it off and putting it back in the fridge for about five minutes but decided against it. It was really embarrassing when my roommate asked me why I’d thrown away a perfectly good cucumber.

VIBRATING TOOTHBRUSH

Alongside shampoo bottles and highlighters, the electric toothbrush and its slightly girthier cousin the Squiggle Pen are on the front lines of teenage ladies’ ongoing war with their vaginas. Here’s what Karley had to say

: Anything that vibrates feels good on your clit: a washing machine, a vibrating bus seat, or Michael J. Fox. This vibrating electronic toothbrush belongs to my roommate Dale. He doesn’t know I borrowed it. But if you’re like me and you’re too poor to afford the Rabbit, a vibrating toothbrush will do the job. In terms of vibrating potential, this toothbrush was a bit of a wuss and I took 20 minutes to “climax,” which was pretty boring and quite painful on the old clit.

Goodness of feel:

4/10

Difficulty:

Basically what it’s made for.

Skeeze factor:

Beyond the soreness and boredom, this was an entirely pedestrian wank.

BB GUN

I knew a goth girl who was into having her boyfriend fuck her with a BB gun that was modeled on the design of a Sig Sauer. She was also into cutting her arms open whenever she got stressed, but on the whole she was OK. Fucking myself with a BB gun was my tribute to her. I guess it was OK for the sheer novelty of it, but it didn’t actually feel the greatest. It was sort of sharp, slightly painful even. But the idea of being fucked with a gun was such a turn-on that I came more from the rush of adrenaline I got than I did from actual stimulation. It also helped to imagine that it was Bruce Willis doing the defiling. Fantasizing about his big strong arms and shiny bald head never fails to send me to Pleasure Town, so that really helped push me over the edge.

Goodness of feel:

3/10.

Difficulty:

Getting it in there’s a little rough, but the rest is a breeze.

Skeeze factor:

Both nasty and weird.

A BLANKET

I read about this technique on the internet. You basically just hold a blanket between your legs and pull it back and forth as you rock your pelvis slowly up and down against it. You can do it naked or with underwear, but I found it’s better with underwear because it allows you to rub harder and faster. It’s also a pretty good workout for your arms.

Goodness of feeling:

8/10.

Difficulty:

You’re already doing it.

Skeeze factor:

Depends on how many times you use your blanket in this fashion between washes.