ALF Is Going To Get You Tonight: Reviewing Arsenal vs. Tottenham

It is some time in the late eighties, and a young Olivier Giroud is getting ready for bed. "Bonne nuit, Papa. Bonne nuit, Mama," he says dutifully, before finishing off his bowl of chocolat chaud and padding reluctantly upstairs. He brushes his teeth, he combs his resplendent child beard, he washes the copious quantity of hairspray out of his bouffanted, cockerel-like hair. He gets into bed, pulls up the covers, and turns off the light. Then, just as he does every night, he sees that most horrific of faces in his dreams.

There it is, deep in his subconscious, the object of all his anxieties and fears. There it is, with its wrinkled snout and its leathery skin, moving with the unnerving jerkiness of a monstrous puppet. It leers at him, it sneers at him, it cracks family-friendly jokes in an inexplicable New York accent. It comes close to him, and he is screaming, and its grotesque tuft of hair brushes against his face. "ALF IS GOING TO GET YOU TONIGHT," it howls gleefully. He feels its ghoulish clutches closing in, before he awakes, weeping in terror and drenched in a cold sweat.

In Arsenal programme, Olivier Giroud reveals that, aged 10, he had an irrational fear of the 1980s sitcom character ALF pic.twitter.com/efcbKqdaUM
— Tom Williams (@tomwfootball) November 6, 2016

This was something like the average night in the Giroud household, back in the day. In the programme notes for the North London derby, the Frenchman made the brave admission that, when he was a child, we was completely fucking terrified of the eponymous protagonist of the faux-quirky alien sitcom ALF. This was, for many of those present at the Emirates, the absolute highlight of the day, what with Arsenal and Spurs playing out a 1-1 draw that left neither side feeling particularly satisfied. Giroud came on late in the game but couldn't make a winning contribution, doubtlessly because he was distracted by the sense of creeping terror he feels when he leaves the house, and thinks of ALF.

While Giroud was gripped by his anxieties surrounding sinister, goofball extraterrestrials, fans on both sides of the North London divide have other things to worry about. Spurs' winless run now extends to seven games in all competitions, and they face a tough run of fixtures that includes an in-form Chelsea, and Monaco in the Champions League, the latter of which could well see them eliminated from the competition.

Meanwhile, having faced a Tottenham side weakened in several departments and at something of a low ebb all told, Arsenal have been left to rue a missed opportunity. They could have gone top of the league had they hung onto their narrow lead over their fiercest rivals, but instead they now face the prospect of a trip to Old Trafford after the international break, with considerably less momentum behind them than they had before.