a life of dabbing and terrible debt

Welcome To Dab University With Jesse Lingard, The Place Where Higher Education Comes To Die

Could Jesse Lingard’s Dab University be the final straw for our broken education system?

by Will Magee
28 July 2016, 12:27pm

When it comes to all the things that are wrong with our hateful, morally bankrupt society, Britain's broken education system is up there with the worst. Michael Gove's tenure as Education Secretary has left us with a trashed curriculum, striking teachers and a load of jumbled up numbers instead of GCSE grades, with people now having to say things like "Well, I think a '5' is somewhere between a 'B' and a 'C'", hence proving that literally nobody understands what the fuck is going on. For decades now, politicians have ridden roughshod over young people's futures, scoring cheap points on education while tearing the best of it apart. Plus, we now live in a country where university tuition fees are about to spiral above £9,000, despite the fact that most of the previous generation went to university for free.

British education is burdened with decades of political incompetence, basically, and it looks to be buckling under the strain. As such, the last thing it needs is the introduction of a Dab University, with Manchester United winger Jesse Lingard as its self-appointed dean. If degrees in Harry Potter studies and the like have contributed to the decline of academic standards, then an entire university dedicated to dabbing is surely the conceptual end point of higher education. Picture it now, spilling over with thousands of students, a black hole of debt and extremely good dabs.

By the looks of things, Jesse Lingard's Dab University isn't even particularly selective. In the above video, he hands out a degree to Cameron Borthwick-Jackson on the evidence of one, slightly sheepish dab. To gain a degree in dabbing, students should at least have to dip into sociological dab studies, or do a bit of basic reading around the history of dabbing. Failing that, they should hone their dab skills over a three-year period, not just turn up, do a slightly shit dab and get a degree on the bloody spot.

Then again, maybe we should embrace Jesse Lingard's Dab Univeristy. Maybe we should accept it, and understand it as an emblem of the way things are. The future of education is just lots of dabbing, followed by an endless lifetime of debt and hardship. Shakespeare, Homer, molecular biology and free thinking have been taken off the curriculum. Social mobility has been replaced with dabbing. Oh look, Michael Gove has been invited to a talk at the Dab University. There he is, smiling maniacally, and doing an exceedingly limp dab.

Editor's note: we in no way blame Jesse Lingard for the decline of British education. However, we do blame Chevrolet for forcing him to do this cringeworthy promotion.

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