There are things we know about British culture. We know we like tea, our patron saint Gemma Collins, and ignoring our dark colonial history. We also know that one of our best loved national pastimes is football. And we're well aware that football has a long history of sporting rivalry, where 'sporting rivalry' is almost always interchangeable with 'kicking the ever loving shit out of other people who support a different team to you'. You know this, if you are British.
One of the longest and fiercest rivalries in the history of the beautiful game is the one which exists between Glasgow Celtic and Glasgow Rangers: this is engraved on the cultural consciousness. Much blood has been shed between the supporters of these two teams, mostly because the grounds where they respectively play are kind of near each other, and also near pubs, and that is as good a reason as any to glass someone.
Sometimes, however, culture surprises us. Not often, but sometimes – and now, my friends, is one of those times. Recently a tougher, harder group has emerged, making the Rangers/Celtic feud look like child's play. This group has picked a fight with Rangers the likes of which has never been seen in UK sport or indeed anywhere; this group is Little Mix fans on Twitter (a demographic which largely consists of 13-15 year olds, and also me).
Let me tell you the facts: Little Mix have got a new song out called "Touch" (it bangs) and their fans, being the terrifyingly extra online mercenaries that pop music fandom tends to cultivate in the year 2016, have been extremely campaigning on Twitter for it to be Christmas number one. Trouble is, Rangers fans want a different song, "Glad All Over" by The Dave Clarke Five, to reach Christmas number one, in tribute to one of their players, Joe Garner.
So these two warring factions did the only thing that rivalling fandoms and supporters can do these days. Unable to take their quarrel to the streets like they did in the good old days (because half of the combatants are legally children), they hashed this out the new way. They started absolutely fucking bodying each other on Twitter:
It's hard to know what this means for the state of British pop music and British football; indeed, for British culture at large. Will the Little Mix fandom turn into a baseball bat wielding firm? Will Rangers recruit a rival girl group to record a new team song? The future is uncertain. We are living in dark times.
Follow Lauren on Twitter.
(Image via YouTube)