What’s Gone on This Week: A Bleak Black Friday Special!

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

IN ANOTHER SAD INDICTMENT OF BRITAIN IN RECENT YEARS, WE’VE LOST AN ORANGE WEDNESDAY AND GAINED A ‘BLACK FRIDAY’.

BLACK FRIDAY USED TO BE SOMETHING SO MUCH SIMPLER. IT WAS TWO ‘SHIRT AND SHOES’ CUNTS LOOKING LIKE THEY’VE COME STRAIGHT OUT OF A BURTON MEN’S AUTUMN COLLECTION ADVERT HAVING A DUST UP OUTSIDE A CHICKEN COTTAGE. NOW IT MEANS YOUR MAM GETTING SHOVED INTO AN ENDCAP DISPLAY OF NORTON ANTIVIRUS AT CURRYS IN THE MASS RUSH TO GRAB A NON-BRAND 40” TV WITH A PICTURE SO BLURRY THE EASTENDERS OPENING CREDITS GIVES YOU MOTION SICKNESS.

WE CAN THANK THE DESPOT OF ONLINE RETAIL, AMAZON, WHICH IS CREDITED WITH BRINGING ‘BLACK FRIDAY’ SALES TO THE UK EIGHT YEARS AGO.

AMERICANISATION IS GREAT WHEN IT MEANS DECENT PRODUCTION STANDARDS IN TV OR MUSIC THAT ISN’T THE COURTEENERS BUT NO CUNT ASKED FOR THIS SURELY.

LEAST SO THE POOR CUNTS WORKING IN RETAIL WHO WILL HAVE TO FORGO THEIR FULL LUNCH BREAK SO THEY CAN ACT LIKE A HUMAN CASH REGISTERS ONLY TO BE TOLD THAT THEY DIDN’T SELL ENOUGH PRODUCT INSURANCE AT THE FOLLOWING DAY’S TEAM MEETING.

LAST YEAR, BLACK FRIDAY SAW SALES FOR THE FIRST TIME GROW FASTER IN NOVEMBER THAN DECEMBER. OF COURSE, THE SUCCESS OF THIS HAS LED IT FROM BEING A ONE-DAY EVENT, TO BECOMING A ‘BLACK FRIDAY WEEK’ FOR THE MANY POOR BASTARDS IN RETAIL.

SOME SHOPS, HOWEVER, HAVE DECIDED TO SHOW MERCY ON THEIR STAFF, SUCH AS ASDA AND PRIMARK, WHO WON’T BE TAKING PART THIS YEAR. INSTEAD THEY’VE OPTED TO SLOWLY ERODE THEIR WORKFORCE’S SOUL CONSISTENTLY AND GRADUALLY RIGHT THROUGH UNTIL THE END OF JANUARY SALES INSTEAD.

YOUR ELDERLY RELATIVES’ MOST TRUSTED CONSUMER GROUP ‘WHICH?’ HAVE EVEN POINTED OUT THAT NINE IN 10 “DEALS” AVAILABLE LAST BLACK FRIDAY HAD BEEN EVEN CHEAPER AT OTHER TIMES OF THE YEAR.

SO WE KNOW IT’S ALL A BIG FUCKING LIE, AND THAT YOU WERE SLAGGING OFF THOSE NESPRESSO MACHINES JUST LAST WEEK, BUT WE’RE ALL STILL GOING TO SPEND TWO GRAND EACH IN THE RUN-UP TO CHRISTMAS, ACCORDING TO RESEARCH.

WHICH WILL NO DOUBT LEAVE THE MAJORITY OF US SKINT OR IN MORE DEBT AFTER THE FESTIVITIES, BUT IF YOU CAN’T BUY THE PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE MOST TO YOU A GIFT AT CHRISTMAS, YOU’D HAVE TO QUESTION THE POINT OF ANYTHING WE’RE FORCED TO DO.

ACCORDING TO NEW FIGURES RELEASED BY THE CHARITY ‘SHELTER’, THERE ARE 320,000 HOMELESS PEOPLE IN BRITAIN TODAY. THIS INCREDIBLY AMOUNTS TO AN ANNUAL INCREASE OF 13,000 PEOPLE.

IF ANY LANDLORDS ARE READING THIS, THAT’S A 4 PERCENT ‘YIELD’.

IN A COUNTRY WITH THE SIXTH-LARGEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD, THIS IS NOTHING LESS THAN A COMPLETE HUMAN TRAGEDY. THE GOVERNMENT’S LACK OF COMPASSION FOR THE PEOPLE OF BRITAIN WOULD MAKE CHARLES DICKENS PICK UP A FOUNTAIN PEN. OR QUILL. WHATEVER HE USED.

THIS A DIRECT RESULT OF AUSTERITY. IT'S TURNED OUT TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN A PUNITIVE TAX ON THE MOST DISADVANTAGED IN SOCIETY, DISPROPORTIONATELY COMING AT THE COST OF THE POOR, ETHNIC MINORITIES, WOMEN, SINGLE PARENTS AND THE DISABLED.

POLLY NEATE, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF SHELTER, SAID “DUE TO THE PERFECT STORM OF SPIRALLING RENTS, WELFARE CUTS AND A TOTAL LACK OF SOCIAL HOUSING, RECORD NUMBERS OF PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING OUT ON THE STREETS OR STUCK IN THE CRAMPED CONFINES OF HOSTEL ROOMS”.

YOU’D BE FORGIVEN FOR THINKING THE GOVERNMENT ARE DOING NOTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION, BUT IN MAY THIS YEAR THEY INTRODUCED THE ‘HOMELESSNESS REDUCTION ACT’. IT AIMS TO ELIMINATE ROUGH SLEEPING BY 2027. I KNOW 2027 SOUNDS LIKE A SCI-FI OPENING SEQUENCE YEAR, BUT IT’S ONLY NINE YEARS AWAY. NO ONE WHO HAS WALKED THROUGH A CITY CENTRE COULD SUGGEST PROGRESS.

THE FOCUS OF THE ACT IS TO ENSURE LOCAL AUTHORITIES TAKE STEPS TO PREVENT HOUSEHOLDS AT RISK FROM FALLING INTO HOMELESSNESS. WHICH SOUNDS DECENT ENOUGH. BUT THEN YOU REALISE LOCAL AUTHORITIES FACE THEIR BIGGEST GOVERNMENT CUTS SINCE THE TORIES TOOK POWER IN 2010.

£1.3 BILLION WILL BE SLASHED – LITERALLY 36 PERCENT OF THEIR BUDGET.

ALMOST HALF OF ALL COUNCILS WILL RECEIVE NO SUPPORT GRANT FROM THE CENTRAL GOVERNMENT AT ALL. I THINK THIS IS THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF THOSE SCENES WHEN YOU’RE MADE TO DANCE WHILE SOMEONE SHOOTS AT YOUR FEET.

IN KENSINGTON AND CHELSEA, THE UK’S RICHEST BOROUGH, THERE WERE OVER 5,000 HOMELESS PEOPLE. EQUIVALENT TO ONE IN EVERY 29 RESIDENTS. “OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND” WOULDN’T EVEN APPLY TO MPS, AS WESTMINSTER, WHERE THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT STAND, HAS MORE ROUGH SLEEPERS THAN ANYWHERE ELSE.

THERE ARE CLEAR SOLUTIONS TO THE PROBLEM, LIKE MORE FUNDING FOR COUNCILS. OR MORE SOCIAL HOUSING. OR EATING THE RICH.

ONE IN FIVE MPS ARE LANDLORDS.

THESE TURKEYS AREN’T VOTING FOR CHRISTMAS.

MENTAL ILLNESS IS COSTING THE UK £94 BILLION A YEAR, A REPORT HAS STATED.

MY INITIAL THOUGHT ABOUT THIS IS “GOOD”. I WANT NOTHING BUT EXPONENTIAL GROWTH IN THIS AREA. I WANT IT TO GROW SO MUCH THAT IF OUR ‘MENTAL ILL-HEALTH’ WAS ON THE FTSE 100 WARREN BUFFET WOULD BE INVESTING.

I HOPE WE CALL IN SICK SO MANY TIMES THAT THE ONLY CUNTS COMMUTING ARE THE DELIVEROO DRIVERS BRINGING US OUR THIRD CLOG OF THE DAY.

I SAY THIS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONLY WHEN OUR MENTAL HEALTH DEGRADES TO THE POINT IT HURTS THE POCKETS OF BIG BUSINESS SO BADLY WILL THE GOVERNMENT TO BE FORCED TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES.

THE STUDY SHOWS THAT IT’S JUST NOT THE UK, BUT THE WHOLE OF EUROPE THAT IS STRUGGLING WITH THE BURDEN OF MENTAL ILL-HEALTH.

“IT IS A CHALLENGE IN VIRTUALLY ALL COUNTRIES,” SAID GAETAN LAFORTUNE, ONE OF THE REPORT’S AUTHORS. “THE GENERAL MESSAGE IS THE NEED FOR A GREATER PRIORITY ON THE PROMOTION OF MENTAL HEALTH AND IMPROVING SERVICES.”

NHS FIGURES, THE FIRST OFFICIAL STATISTICS PUBLISHED IN 13 YEARS, SHOW THAT ONE IN EIGHT PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 19 IN ENGLAND HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER.

ONE IN FOUR YOUNG WOMEN HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS.

AND NEARLY HALF OF THOSE IN THEIR LATE TEENS WITH MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS HAD SELF-HARMED OR ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.

WHAT COMPOUNDS THIS IS THAT MORE THAN A THIRD OF YOUNG PEOPLE REFERRED TO COMMUNITY SERVICES ARE TURNED AWAY.

CHILDREN’S COMMISSIONER FOR ENGLAND, ANNE LONGFIELD HAS WARNED OF A “VAST GAP” IN NHS MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT. SUGGESTING MORE FUNDING COULD HELP PUT A “NHS COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOLS”. THE REPORT ITSELF STATES THAT SCHOOLS “ARE AN IDEAL SETTING FOR INTERVENTIONS”.

IF THE GOVERNMENT ACTED ON SUCH A SUGGESTION YOU COULD ONLY IMAGINE THE DIFFERENCE IT WOULD MAKE TO YOUNG PEOPLE HAVING A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL TO CONFIDE IN.

THE BRITISH ESTABLISHMENT, HOWEVER, STILL VALUES HUMANS BY OUR MONETARY “WORTH” TO THEM. IT’S NO SURPRISE CHILDREN ARE VIEWED AS A FINANCIAL BURDEN, SINCE THEY CAN’T ACT AS DOMESTIC SERVANTS ANYMORE. THEIR TINY HANDS SO PERFECT FOR FITTING INTO THE NOOKS OF RUNNING MACHINERY ARE RENDERED USELESS BY HEALTH AND SAFETY RULES.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE