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The Final Taboo: Masturbating Over Someone's Facebook Photos

We spoke to both perpetrators and victims.

by Nilu Zia
01 June 2017, 10:49am

Enjoying a nice lil FB piccy

Bit foul? Yes. Morally wrong? Probably. Something you would never admit to another living being for as long as you live? Absolutely.

Wanking over someone else's Facebook photo must make you feel like you've had a hot bath in pig shit. But I wouldn't know – as if I've done that? There are people out there who have, though. Some very awful people. I spoke to some of them here.

JADE

VICE: I understand that you were the knowing subject of a Facebook wank rather than the perpetrator?
Jade: Yeah. Facebook stresses me out too much for wanking, but I was reliably informed by my ex that he bashed one out over a picture of me with buns in my hair before we met.

Nice. Why were you friends on Facebook before you'd met?
Actually, we were friends on Tumblr first. He and my friend used to make comics, and I asked them to design a poster for a show I was putting on, which led to our Facebook friendship.

What was the picture of you like?
I'm actually holding a flier for the show in the picture, so there's probably an element of narcissism there also. A combi-wank over both me and his art.

Did he tell you this when you were dating?
He did, yes.

How far into the dating process was this?
It was quite early on – like, a month or two, maybe? I think we were talking about fetishes, or maybe just sexual preference in general, but hair pulling came up and he sheepishly mentioned the picture with the hair buns – presumably they're useful for holding onto.

How did it make you feel? Were you grossed out or flattered?
I thought, 'Wow, finally, someone as horny and shameless and open about it as me. We should get married!' In the end we dated for two years and now we're best friends.


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DAN

VICE: I hear you wank to Facebook photos.
Dan: I've fully jerked off to girls on my Facebook. Like, at least 15 people.

What kind of pictures are we talking about?
Holiday photos. Always holiday photos. Don't go on holiday when I got you on Facebook – bikinis set a motherfucker off; you should know this by now.

Talk me through your process.
It's like a jumping / jerking off point. I don't do it all the way till I nut, but if something gets me started I'll start myself off and then move onto something disgusting on the darker side of the internet.

Interesting. Is it people you fancy or is it more of an "anyone can get it" vibe?
Anyone is a victim in this hand-to-hand combat war. I don't specifically search for people, but if photos pop up on the main page that show a bit of titty or booty, I'll be like, 'Hmmm, sick,' and then beat them for like five minutes to get shit going, then it's straight to PornHub. The best is when I come across a girl who looks a bit like the girl I know and the whole thing comes full circle.

Do you ever feel bad after?
No way. I guess it depends on who it looks like and what's happening to them… say, for example, it looks like someone sweet and innocent I know and they're getting the big ting right in the butt and they're bare like "ahhhhh" and shit; maybe I'll feel deep, but only after I nut. Even then I'm mostly still like, 'Oh well.'

LUKE

VICE: Have you ever jerked off to someone's Facebook photos?
Luke: There was a period in my life where I would do it all the time. Like, every other day. I was really lonely and porn wasn't really doing it for me.

Was it the same person or different girls?
It was mostly a rotation of my female friends. It was pretty fucked up, but like I said, I was really lonely.

What made you stop?

I caught myself in the eye one day and kind of took it as a sign. I never did it again.

"It would be a mixture of thinking about the sex that we'd had and then looking at his photos and imagining all the sex that could have happened."

ABI

VICE: Tell me about the lucky ladies of your Facebook.
Abi: Whenever I had a girl crush I would casually scroll through her Facebook photos, which is pretty standard. If there was a particularly cute one or, like, a semi-revealing one I would find myself fantasising and imagining a scenario, and then…

Have a little one-on-one time.
Yeah, exactly. I'd start with a picture and then imagine other things or scenarios, like go to a place with it… how it would be to kiss them, to be with them, that sort of thing. I mean, you have to have a fucking think or a daydream about it, innit. I'm not just staring at a picture and bussing. Alternatively, I might start with a Facebook photo and then finish on YouPorn. I guess it depends on how imaginative you are… I'm quite an imaginative person so I can make myself cum through pictures alone, but sometimes I'd finish with porn.

Which was more satisfying?
It's more satisfying to cum without watching porn for me, because I feel like I've had more control of it, if that makes sense. It's also a bit more difficult and so takes a bit longer, but in a good way. Bussing with porn is easier – like, that's what it's meant to do. You can watch porn for three minutes and come; it's dead.

Do you ever feel bad afterwards?
I sometimes feel guilty about watching porn, but never about wanking over a picture. It's a picture; it's not the real thing.

JONOBI

VICE: What was the deal?
Jonobi: It was a very long time ago… I did it, like, twice or something.

Was it someone you knew?

Yeah, but not well. It was a girl I knew through a female friend. We used to go out a lot together. We'd have pre-drinks at their flat, that sort of thing. She was a legit 11/10 girl – brunette, slim and the best body I have ever seen. She was a fucking goddess. I was maybe 19 or 20 at the time and I had an insane crush on her, but she was way out of my league so I never talked to her much.

When was the first time you bashed one out over her photos?
She added me on Facebook after a night out and my heart stopped for what felt like 10 minutes. At that point I'd already decided to have a little one-on-one time, and after I'd calmed down I proceeded to go to my favourite porn site to get on with my business. I was into "edging" back then, so I took a little break to check her Facebook profile. I had a stalk of her pictures and fuck me if she didn't have pictures of her in a fucking thong from her trip to Australia. I pretty much had to buy a new keyboard after that.

Gross. How did you feel afterwards?
I'd never felt so good, but I'd also never felt so bad at the same time. Very mixed feelings.

Good orgasm but guilty conscience?
I felt… not completely disgusted at myself, but a bit. But I did it again a few weeks after we went out on the piss again, so then I was over it.

So you only did it twice?
Yeah. It died down a bit after that. But me and my friend still talk about her to this day.

NADIA

VICE: Who was the target of your sordid self-affection?
Nadia: Okay, I've only ever done this with one person, and it was someone who I had a one-night-stand with.

So you had slept with this person before?
Yes, but only once. I really liked him and the sex was amazing, so I wanted it to happen many more times, but he wasn't on it, so I would masturbate to his Facebook photos.

Did you use the memories to get you going?
Yeah, of course. It would be a mixture of thinking about the sex that we'd had and then looking at his photos and imagining all the sex that could have happened. He was a model and had a really great body, so his Facebook was full of loads of topless photos of him. It was too easy.

How did you feel afterwards?
Kind of sad, to be honest. But I did it pretty regularly for a couple of months until I got over him.

@niluthedamaja

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