Why I Should Run the FBI

Ever since Donald Trump suddenly fired FBI director James Comey, there's been rampant speculation about who could fill his shiny black shoes. Whoever replaces acting director Andrew McCabe will have one of the most difficult jobs in the country: Not only will they be taking charge of the nation's premier law enforcement agency, they'll inherit the investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia during the 2016 election—an investigation everyone knows the president feels extremely touchy about.

The frontrunner at one point was Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman, but he withdrew his name because Trump had just hired the law firm he works for. Lieberman, an estranged Democrat who endorsed John McCain over Barack Obama in the 2008 election, also had never been an FBI agent or a federal prosecutor.

You know who else has never been an FBI agent or a federal prosecutor? Me, Eve Peyser, staff politics writer at VICE.com. I'd be perfect for the role, although it'd be bittersweet to leave VICE in order to better serve my country. What are my qualifications? I'm glad you asked because it lets me transition into the next part of this article:

1. I'm a young woman. The FBI could use some diversity… probably??

2. I have a college degree. I studied art and creative writing at Oberlin College. While that might not scream, "FBI director" consider this: Unlike a number of Trump's appointees and his own wife, I've never had a plagiarism scandal.

3. I don't like Hillary Clinton. This seems to be important to Trump.

4. I'm nice. I'm the sweetest girl you'll ever meet.

5. I have an erratic Twitter presence. The only app on the president's phone is Twitter. He loves it, it's certainly helped boost him to where he is today, but sometimes it gets him in trouble. Same. Same. Same. Same.

6. I have endorsements! Many people are saying Eve Peyser should be the FBI director. Here are a few, and I swear to God all of these are real, especially Mark Cuban:

• New York Magazine Washington correspondent Olivia Nuzzi wrote in a text message that I would be a "hot" addition to the FBI and thanked me for my service.
• Reality TV legend Spencer Pratt also thinks I'd do a great job. "Eve would be the Director that flies commercial, travels Uber, and sleeps Airbnb. She is the grounded character the future of the bureau needs," he wrote in a Twitter DM.
• "Look at her avi, she looks like a spy," a random Twitter user wrote.
• Former political operative Yashar Ali told me, "Yes, [you would make a great FBI director]; you're skeptical." Boom.
• Jane's Addiction guitarist and Ink Master host Dave Navarro provided some detailed analysis about why I would be perfect for the position: "Eve, has not only has the ability to 'appear' non-partisan, she also has a great intuitive sense when it comes to what information requires suppression. She never writes anything down so it is impossible for her to put herself in any legal jeopardy. The only Peyser memo found on any electronic device was titled, 'I love it 'cause it can be served hot or cold.'"
• Billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban thinks I'm perfect for the job. "Eve would never take a bite of the corruption apple. She would make an amazing FBI chief," he told me in a Twitter DM.
• Slipknot's Corey Taylor also thinks I'd be perfect for the job. "Eve has the experience we've come to expect in our authority figures," he told me. "In fact, if it was any other position, I'd say she was over-qualified. I look forward to her tenure, her subsequent dismissal, and her many future rounds on the network circuit."

This post has been updated to include an endorsement from Dave Navarro.

Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.