This week in tragedies that will make you both horrified and hungry, we have a heartbreaking tale about a little truck full of pizza that couldn't.
Yesterday around 1 PM, an 18-wheeler on an Arkansas freeway slammed into an overpass pillar, littering the freeway with the preferred currency of stoners, college students, and lazy moms: frozen pizzas. Hundreds of boxes of Tombstone and DiGiorno pies were thrown from the trailer, halting traffic, slowly thawing under the stratocumulus clouds of the August sky, and eliciting deep despair in pizza-lovers everywhere.
Reporter Winnie Wright of local news station TVH11 was on the scene documenting the carnage, noting that the road was slick with tomato sauce and cheese grease.
According to the New York Daily News, it took clean-up crews hours to remove all of the scattered corpses of frozen pizzas from Interstate 30 and allow traffic to resume in both directions.
Although there were no injuries in the crash and no serious damage to the overpass, Arkansas Department of Transportation spokesperson Danny Straessle notes that there were, sadly, "lots of pizza fatalities." Insert infinity Tombstone puns here.
Wright also noted that because it was quite hot out in Arkansas yesterday, the smell of the pizzas slowly cooking on the asphalt was "too tempting." And in case you were wondering, the pizzas were pepperoni. This should serve as a reminder to never waste pizza, ever, for any reason. The world hath become shook.
The only question that remains is what was more harrowing: this incident, or the utter catastrophe that struck a few weeks ago when a flatbed truck in Oregon overturned and showered the highway with 7,500 pounds of live "slime eels" destined for Korean restaurants. (Warning: The photos are absolutely disgusting.)
MUNCHIES has reached out to Nestlé USA, which owns both Tombstone and DiGiorno, for comment on the incident, but has not yet received a response.
Hold your Totino's close, friends: When pizza's on a highway, you can lose a lifetime supply of frozen pizza anytime. Perhaps spilled milk isn't worth crying over, but spilled pizza certainly is.