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Food

Sorry in Advance for Exposing You to This Life-Size Kim Kardashian Cake

Forgive us.

Hi. Good day. Hi there. Sorry to bother you. We just wanted to let you know that someone has made a horrifying, life-size cake of Kim Kardashian that you will never be able to unsee.

As reported by the Metro, the LA- and London-based baker, Debbie Wingham, made the cake for a client’s husband. A surprise present. For the client’s husband. A giant, edible, fuckable (?), Kim Kardashian. Surprise!!!!

Suspend your horror momentarily to consider the logistics of the cake. Instead of flesh, we have 15 kilograms of fondant. Instead of breasts, we have 15 kilograms of moulding chocolate. The diamonds are real, though. All 862 Cartier diamonds, because why make a human-sized edible woman if she isn’t adorned with £1.2 million worth of diamonds?

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Take a moment to consider the detachable chocolate human cake face, if you will. The face, the human cake face, was shaped using a mould made with a 3D printer. Wingham then poured chocolate over the mould to get the right shape, and finished it with edible colour dust.

This isn’t the first outlandish creation from Wingham. She’s created cakes for clients including Kate Winslet, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Drake, as well as an Arabian bride cake.

We just have a few, brief, questions on the matter of Kake Kardashian. Does it have genitals? Like, a fondant vagina is not essential to the cake, but is it essential to the person? To the artistic purity of the creation? Does it have nipples? Can you really make a true Kim Kardashian cake without nipples? Where do you cut it first? Isn’t it weird to bite into a human arm or eyelid?

Will we ever see anything more horrifying?