PUB NOTES

What's Gone On This Week: Jeremy Corbyn Wants to Give Brexit Back to the Public

The only thing I can imagine being a bigger recruitment tool for the far-right than another referendum is if Corbyn tested the Queen's chin with a left-right combo outside The Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday.
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by NEO
Jeremy Corbyn Soft Brexit People's Vote
Screenshot via Guardian News

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS REBRANDED FOSSIL FUELS AS 'MOLECULES OF FREEDOM'

THE UNITED STATES AND THE CONCEPT OF FREEDOM ARE INSEPARABLE. THE FREEDOM TO BEAR MILITARY-GRADE ARMS, THE FREEDOM TO FORCE CHILD BIRTH, THE FREEDOM TO RUIN THE AMBIENCE OF A ROOM – ALL THINGS WE CLOSELY ASSOCIATE WITH "THE LAND OF THE FREE". HOWEVER, IT WASN’T UNTIL THIS WEEK THAT MANY WERE GIFTED A SLICE OF AMERICAN LIBERTY IN THE FORM OF… LIQUEFIED NATURAL GAS.

IN A PRESS RELEASE, MARK W MENEZES, THE US UNDERSECRETARY OF ENERGY, WELCOMED THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY’S APPROVAL OF INCREASED EXPORT CAPACITY OF NATURAL GAS TO “AMERICA’S ALLIES”, WHO CAN NOW ENJOY THE “DIVERSE AND AFFORDABLE SOURCE OF CLEAN ENERGY”. OR, AS IT'S NOW BEING CALLED: “FREEDOM GAS”.

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ASSISTANT SECRETARY FOR FOSSIL ENERGY, STEVEN WINBERG, SAID: “WITH THE US IN ANOTHER YEAR OF RECORD-SETTING NATURAL GAS PRODUCTION, I AM PLEASED THAT THE DOE IS DOING WHAT IT CAN TO PROMOTE AN EFFICIENT REGULATORY SYSTEM THAT ALLOWS FOR MOLECULES OF US FREEDOM TO BE EXPORTED TO THE WORLD”.

“MOLECULES OF US FREEDOM” IS A TERM THAT LEAVES YOU AWE-STRUCK BY ITS NONSENSICAL MAGNIFICENCE. WHAT DO THESE DAFT CUNTS THINK BURNING THEIR FRACKED GAS FROM THE SHALE BEDS OF TEXAS IS LIBERATING US FROM, THE BURDEN OF ICE CAPS AND PREDICTABLE SEASONS?

US ENERGY SECRETARY RICK PERRY ELABORATED EARLIER THIS MONTH, REGARDING THE ESSENCE OF THIS REBRAND: “THE OPPORTUNITY FOR EUROPE TO HAVE A VERY SUBSTANTIAL SUPPORTIVE ALTERNATIVE TO RUSSIAN GAS IS ON DISPLAY HERE", BEFORE EXPERTLY PIVOTING: “SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER LIBERATING EUROPE FROM NAZI GERMANY OCCUPATION, THE UNITED STATES IS AGAIN DELIVERING A FORM OF FREEDOM TO THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT, AND RATHER THAN IN THE FORM OF YOUNG AMERICAN SOLDIERS, IT’S IN THE FORM OF LIQUEFIED NATURAL GAS”.

THIS COLD WAR PART II SHTICK OF PREFIXING FOSSIL FUELS WITH “FREEDOM” TO UNDERCUT THE RUSSIANS MAKES 'ROCKY IV' LOOK CHIC. AGAIN, I SUPPOSE WE MUST REMEMBER AMERICA ONCE CONSIDERED NUKING THE MOON DURING THE ORIGINAL COLD WAR AS A “SHOW OF STRENGTH”, SO THEY’VE ACTUALLY MELLOWED SOMEWHAT.

THIS “FREEDOM GAS” THING REMINDS ME OF THAT STORY ABOUT THE TIME FRANCE OPPOSED GOING TO WAR IN IRAQ, SO THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES' CAFETERIAS STOPPED SERVING FRENCH FRIES, INSTEAD SERVING "FREEDOM FRIES" IN THEIR PLACE.

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YOU CAN’T HELP BUT ADMIRE THE SMALL-TIME BITTERNESS OF THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY ON THE PLANET.

IN SHOCKING NEWS, BRITISH PEOPLE ARE SELF-MEDICATING TO DEAL WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

ACCORDING TO A NEW RESEARCH, OVER 24 MILLION PEOPLE IN BRITAIN SELF-MEDICATE TO COPE WITH MENTAL HEALTH SYMPTOMS. FINDINGS REVEALED THAT ONE-IN-FIVE OF US ARE USING ALCOHOL, OVER THE COUNTER MEDICATION OR ILLEGAL DRUGS TO COMBAT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, WHILE MANY DEALT WITH ISSUES SUCH AS DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY THROUGH FOOD, SEX, GAMBLING OR SHOPPING.

EMMA WALKER FROM LIFESEARCH, WHO CONDUCTED THE STUDY, SAID: “WHILE AWARENESS OF MENTAL HEALTH IS HIGHER THAN IT’S EVER BEEN, WE’RE SEEING A GAP BETWEEN UNDERSTANDING AND ACTION. OFTEN, USING A COPING MECHANISM LIKE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS SEEMS LIKE THE EASY WAY OUT, HOWEVER IT DOESN’T SOLVE THE ISSUE AT HAND.”

WHILE SUCCESSIVE UK GOVERNMENTS WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE IT’S SOLELY THE “STIGMA” THAT STOPS AN INDIVIDUAL FROM SPEAKING OUT, THE TRUTH IS IT’S THE CONSCIOUS NEGLECT OF SOCIAL CARE AND MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES THAT HAS DRIVEN THEM TO CRISIS POINT, DESPITE THE REPEATED WARNINGS OF HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS.

A ROYAL COLLEGE OF PSYCHIATRISTS SURVEY EVEN REVEALED PATIENTS WERE WAITING UP TO 13 YEARS FOR SUPPORT. IT’S NO WONDER WE’RE ALL TURNING TO SELF-MEDICATION. IT'S PRACTICALLY THE FOUNDATION OF BRITISH SOCIETY, AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE WAY THE CARDS ARE STACKED AGAINST THE PUBLIC, IT’S HARD TO RULE OUT THE IDEA THAT THIS ISN’T SOME SUN TZU-ESQUE WAR CUNT PINCER ATTACK ON US CO-ORDINATED BY THE GOVERNMENT AND THEIR CAPITALIST FRIENDS.

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WHAT WOULD NON-ILL, NON-DESPERATE PEOPLE DO IN THIS CURRENT SYSTEM? GO TO THEIR SHIT JOB EVERY DAY? WOULD THEY FUCK. THEY’D BE “MANIFESTING” WITH A “VISUALISATION BOARD” OR GOING ON LOVELY WALKS AND FEELING MINDFUL.

THESE CUNTS DESPERATELY WANT YOU HOOFING BIG HOLLYWOOD LINES UP YOUR SNOUT SO YOU CAN DRINK SUPERHUMAN AMOUNTS OF PINTS IN TOWN ALL NIGHT, BEFORE GETTING AN UBER TO SOMEONE’S FLAT WHO YOU CAN’T SHAG BECAUSE OF YOUR LIMP PATHETIC DICK, SO YOU HEAD HOME AND FALL ASLEEP FULLY CLOTHED BEFORE WAKING UP TO ORDER A MCDELIVERY, ONLY TO SEE THE FIRST HORSE ON YOUR FIVE-FOLD ACCUMULATOR TAKING A SHOTGUN SHELL TO THE CRANIUM AFTER STACKING IT, SO YOU THEN SOFTEN THE BLOW BY ORDERING SOME NEW SUMMER TRAINERS OFF DEPOP (WHICH NEVER ACTUALLY TURN UP AND YOU HAVE TO START A PAYMENT DISPUTE), BEFORE TAKING SOME CODEINE SO YOU CAN FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WORK THE NEXT DAY, LIKE THE SWEATY, JITTERING MESS NEO-LIBERALISM HAS MADE YOU.

MOST OF US ARE UNWELL AND STRUGGLE TO FIND PROFESSIONAL HELP, BUT AT LEAST BRITAIN IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

CORBYN NOW SUPPORTS A PEOPLE’S VOTE ON BREXIT

JEREMY CORBYN HAS SAID THIS WEEK THAT ANOTHER PUBLIC VOTE – WHETHER IT BE A GENERAL ELECTION OR SECOND REFERENDUM – IS NOW THE "ONLY WAY OUT" OF THE BREXIT SHAMBLES, INSISTING THAT WE SHOULD “GO BACK TO THE PEOPLE”, WHO SHOULD “DECIDE THE COUNTRY’S FUTURE."

CORBYN’S COMMENTS APPEAR TO SIGNAL A SHIFT BY THE LABOUR LEADER FOLLOWING GROWING PRESSURE FROM PARTY MEMBERS AND SENIOR MPS TO EXPLICITLY BACK ANOTHER PUBLIC VOTE ON A SECOND REFERENDUM AFTER THE PARTY SUFFERED A MONUMENTAL SHOEING IN THE EUROPEAN ELECTIONS, COMING THIRD PLACE BEHIND THE BREXIT PARTY AND THE PRO-REMAIN LIBERAL DEMOCRATS.

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LABOUR MP BRIDGET PHILLIPSON, WHO IS A SUPPORTER OF THE PEOPLE'S VOTE CAMPAIGN, SAID: "JEREMY CORBYN'S WORDS SHOW HE IS AT LAST BEGINNING TO LISTEN TO WHAT OUR VOTERS AND MEMBERS ARE SAYING.”

HOWEVER, A SECOND REFERENDUM IS STILL “SOME WAY OFF” ACCORDING TO CORBYN, AS HE INSISTED THERE MUST NOT BE A REPEAT OF THE EU REFERENDUM: “WE DON’T BACK A RERUN OF 2016. THAT HAPPENED. THAT IS GONE."

WHILE CORBYN’S REMARKS LEAVE OPEN THE OPTION OF LABOUR CAMPAIGNING IN FAVOUR OF A BREXIT DEAL IN ANY SECOND REFERENDUM, THERE WON’T BE AN OPTION FOR REMAINING IN THE EU, WHICH IS FAVOURED BY MANY SHADOW CABINET MINISTERS AND LIBERALS.

WHAT I FIND SO GROAN-INDUCING ABOUT THE “STOP BREXIT JEREMY YOU ASSHAT” BRIGADE IS THE DUMBFOUNDING LACK OF CONTEMPLATION OF WHAT A SECOND REFERENDUM WITH THE OPTION TO REMAIN WOULD MEAN, AND HOW IT WOULD SERVE AS THE MOTHER-LOAD OF FUEL FOR FARAGE’S BONFIRE OF BRITISH POLITICS.

THE BREXIT GANG AND THE REST OF THESE FAR-RIGHT MESSES WE NOW FIND PLASTERED ALL OVER OUR SCREENS WOULD BE ABLE TO LEGITIMATELY AND CORRECTLY TELL THE BRITISH PUBLIC THEY ARE BEING IGNORED BY PARLIAMENT.

IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE IS SUGGESTING PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY ISN’T AKIN TO A SHOUTING MATCH IN SOMEONE’S KITCHEN AT 5AM OVER WHO HAS THE NEXT SONG CHOICE, BUT YOU CAN’T JUST OVERTURN A REFERENDUM AND GIVE 17.4 MILLION PEOPLE ZERO REASON TO EVER ENGAGE IN POLITICS AGAIN BEYOND VOTING FOR ANTI-DEMOCRATIC PARTIES LIKE FARAGE'S.

THE ONLY THING I CAN IMAGINE BEING A BIGGER RECRUITMENT TOOL FOR THE FAR-RIGHT THAN A RE-UP OF THE EU REFERENDUM IS IF CORBYN TESTED THE QUEEN’S CHIN WITH A LEFT-RIGHT COMBO OUTSIDE THE CENOTAPH ON REMEMBRANCE SUNDAY.

WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH THE ORIGINAL REFERENDUM OUTCOME OR NOT, THESE CUNTS JUST NEED TO GET BREXIT SORTED AND SHARPISH, I’M FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF THINGS LIKE OUR CRUMBLING PUBLIC SERVICES, THE NHS, UNIVERSAL CREDIT AND AUSTERITY GETTING SIDELINED AS PEOPLE’S LIVES FALL APART DURING THIS SHIT CIRCUS.

THE LONGER BREXIT RAMBLES ON, THE MORE IT EMBOLDENS THE LIKES OF NIGEL FARAGE. THE MAN IS LIKE JAPANESE KNOTWEED AS IT IS, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS TO DOUSE BARRELS OF MIRACLE-GRO ON THE CUNT.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO