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choose your own adventure

So You've Gone Wholesome-Mad

by Joel Golby
14 August 2019, 12:17pm

Photo: Jamie Clifton

You live alone and you have plunged your chaotic life into the calm gong bath of wholesomeness. You have: bought three plants. You have: a sourdough starter in the fridge. You bought: one pair of dungarees to go out in, and one pair of dungarees to do chores in. You have: been contemplating getting a cat or a dog. You tried: talking to one of your neighbours, but it turned out, after 20 minutes of leaning on his doorjamb and nodding at him while he just talked at you, he was both quite sinister and even more racist.

You: put a shelf up, you little demon! You are: part of a bi-weekly community group that is thinking about adopting an allotment. You filled: your fridge with unflavoured yoghurt you’re not really sure you're ever going to eat. You make smoothies now, and things with lentils. You refurnished a chair and sit in it curled up with your legs beneath you to read books. You don't care that you haven't been railed for six months, you're going away to France on your own for an adventure! You never leave the house without your KeepCup!

When you get a cold you eat a spoonful of local honey you bought from the Farmer's Market! You suddenly care very much about sulphates being or not being in your shampoo! Your pubes are a calamity! You keep humming to yourself! All your mates keep asking you to stop giving off that weird vibrating energy you do now! You've gone quietly very feral! You keep idly looking at canalboats to buy on Gumtree! Everyone who loves you would really appreciate it if you moved back in with your mum!

SIXTEEN HUNDRED POUNDS IN DEBT AND YOU HAVE LOST AT RENTING, BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW BASIC KNITTING MOVES NOW!

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