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Are You Getting Any? I Only Have Sex Because I'm Good at It

Moyo identifies as asexual.

by Nana Baah; photos by Ezekiel
14 January 2020, 11:21am

MOYO, 21

Quality of sex overall: 7.5/10
Frequency of sex: 7/10
Intimacy levels: 7/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 7/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 2/10

VICE: Hi Moyo! So, you identify as asexual but actively have sex?
Moyo: I do.

When was the last time you had sex?
Two weeks ago.

How was it?
I didn’t really enjoy it.

How would you describe your relationship with sex?
It’s something I don’t need to do. During the process of exploring and discovering my sexuality, having sex was something that everybody else was doing, so I was like, "I want to do this too."

What were your first experiences like?
The first time I was like, "Oh, this isn’t hitting the way it’s supposed to." Then I did it a few more times but then, by doing that, I got stuck in this endless cycle of just continuously doing it. So, even though I don’t enjoy it, I’ve conditioned myself to do it just for the heck of it.

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Moyo began exploring her sexuality after she moved to London.

Do you ever enjoy sex?
I’ve found ways to kind of enjoy it. When I first started having sex, I got into BDSM and instead of enjoying the sex, I was enjoying the pain, which is why I was having sex. You know, I’m 21 now, but I outgrew that shit. Now, I just do it with people whose presence I enjoy. I identify as bi-romantic, so I fall in love, and if I love or like you, I would want to have sex with you. Actually, I may not want to, but because I know that you want to, I would just go with the flow.

How do you feel about having sex purely for someone else’s enjoyment?
Sometimes it’s fine and there are other times where it feels extremely performative on my part. You know, when you’re hooking up with someone and they’re like, “Yeah, you like this?”

Yeah for sure. What do you say back?
[Laughs] I’m like, "Bro, you know... well... let’s just keep it pushing." I still get stuck in situations where I have sex with people I don’t like, but I try to avoid that as much as possible. Actually, I remember I was hooking up with this guy and he put American Psycho on. It was my first time seeing it and there was a point where I completely forgot that we were having sex and I was just watching the movie. Then I was like, "Oh shit, let’s continue doing this." I tuned out completely.

Do you tell the people you sleep with that you’re unlikely to enjoy having sex with them?
Before I didn’t but as I got older, I’m just like, "First off, I’m asexual and I’m only doing this because I like you." I’ve had good sexual experiences since I became more conscious and aware of my sexuality. I know I only like it because it’s with this person and even then, I kind of don’t want to be there.

You don’t feel like you’re missing out?
No. When I first started discovering my sexuality, I explored everything. Women, men, older, same age. I really dabbled in different types of sex and different kinks. Sex fascinates me. In the beginning I was really upset that I was asexual, this is the whole point of being human or at least that’s what the media tells you. I was like, "Am I broken? What’s going on?" I pushed myself to try different things. Then I reached the point where I was like, "At this point, I’m just putting myself in uncomfortable situations for no reason."

You said sex fascinates you. For you, is it more the things that come with sex that’s appealing?
Yeah, I was talking to a friend about this recently, and I think it’s more about power.

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What do you mean?
The way I describe my asexuality and having sex is, it’s like being good at a sport that you don’t like but you do it just because you’re good at it.

You’re only having sex because you know you’re good at it?
Yeah, I’m asexual but the game’s the game and I can play! [Laughs] But when I had that conversation with my friend, he was like, "you really shouldn’t be going at it that way." He said, "You’re just hurting yourself by going at sex that way."

Has that been true for you?
It does affect my relationships. The way I’m approaching relationships because sex doesn’t mean anything to me, for people who are heterosexual or bisexual and the like, it plays a really big part in their relationships. But I literally cannot relate to that at all. Sex is like drinking a beer.

Can you empathise with the people you sleep with who find sex important?
Only because I’ve learned how to. I’ve had issues with partners in situationships, where they would be like, "So, if I had sex with someone else, you wouldn’t be upset?" I’m like, "Not really. Do you. That’s none of my business." For me, it’s more, if you cheated on me romantically then I’d be like, "That’s not cool." But I’ve taught myself how to empathise because it does affect relationships. Although, it’s part of my personality as well, because I’m pretty laid back and disconnected, I don’t really care about that.

Are you averse to masturbation?
No, but that was a slippery slope. I grew up a heavy Catholic and I still am. You know if you masturbate, you’re going to go to hell. But something clicked in me when I was realising that I was kind of different. So, I started dabbling in masturbation. It wasn’t pleasurable. I don’t know how it is for other people but for asexuals, masturbating is different.

What’s masturbation like for you?
You’re not thinking about anything because you’re not sexually attracted to people. So, it’s like, when I’m masturbating, there’s nothing happening in my head. I could be thinking about my favourite episode of a show. It’s not something I need to do but I do it once every six months. The thing is, its healthy and good sex is healthy too. Being asexual, I don’t need to do those things but then they’re good for you, so I have to remind myself that I need to orgasm and masturbate.

Okay. So what do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
I don’t think I agree with that, the logic behind that doesn’t really make any sense to me. Maybe because social media has no effect on my social life, apart from me meeting a few of my sexual partners through it.

Why do you think young people are having less sex then?
I think young people are possibly having less sex, because we’re self educating about it and finally setting boundaries regarding sex.

You grew up in Nigeria and then moved to England. Did you only start exploring your sexuality after you moved?
It was only after I moved to London. I lived in Southampton before but I didn’t socialise. I had really severe agoraphobia, so I couldn’t leave the house. When I moved to London and was closer to my friends from back home that I was like, "I might as well start socialising." I became friends with this producer and we built a really solid friendship.

And that’s when you started experimenting?
Yeah, I was like, "If I’m going to do this, I want my first time to be with him. I trust him, so let’s do this."

I’m glad it was a more positive first experience.
I think that was the best decision I made regarding my first time. That has set the pace for my current relationships as well, because I need a relationship and an emotional connection before I can have sex. As I’m getting older, I’m reaching a point where I’m like, "I don’t really want to have sex anymore."

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What prompted you to make that decision?
It can be fun, especially under the influence but it doesn't make sense for me to do it anymore. It’s something I don’t need to do. There’s still masturbation, which is basically having sex with yourself. If I can find a way to time that in a way that’s healthy for my body, I’ll be fine but I need to get to that space where I can just put it out of my life.

You said you have a lot of sexually active friends. Is there a disconnect between you and them since it’s an important part of their lives?
Not really. I have a thing that I kind of live by when I’m not in situationships, which is just, "Fuck your friends." All my friends are extremely sexually active. As we all have that bond, my close friends, we all really love each other. I would rather hook up with my friends than go to a party and hook up with some random. I did a one-night stand and that shit does not slap like that, man.

How do you feel about one-night stands?
It’s like, "I don’t like this. I don’t know you. What are we doing here?" With friends, it’s like, "I love you, man. I’ll tell you the things that I like and you can tell me the things you like and we can just navigate this space."

Do you tend to get that post-sex feeling of regret when you have a one-night stand?
It’s terrible. I haven’t had it recently because I don’t do that anymore. I’ve had a situation like that before. Even during the process sometimes, I want to go home [and think,] "Why did I agree to this?" I know I can say no, but during the process of it, especially when you don’t want to hurt their feelings too. I know that I can disconnect from it in ways that other people can’t.

Although you’re not emotionally invested in sex, it still has an emotional toll on you?
I’m really spiritual. People think I’m crazy but I do believe in soul ties and energy transference.

What do you mean by energy transference?
There are people I’ve hooked up with and weeks after shit starts going wrong in my life or I will feel terrible. There are people you’ll fuck and you’ll just be angry for no reason the next week. You’ll try to put it on something else and it's literally just because you’ve been in that space with that person. It doesn’t even have to be a spiritual thing, it can just be their personality or their energy, or things that they have buried within them that will come out during sex. Sex is a very raw experience whether you like the person or not. That's one of the reasons that I need to stop having sex. I haven’t completely figured myself out and I can’t keep having these energies passing through me, especially if they aren’t by friends.

Is it a case of protecting yourself?
Exactly. I’m asexual I’m not even supposed to be having sex.

You sound like you have a good idea of where you’re going with your relationship with sex.
Yeah, it's something that I’m really grateful for, because I started exploring my sexuality at 15 or 16. I have much older friends who still don’t know who they’re attracted to. I don’t want to be there, I want to know now. There’s too many things that we should be doing, I don’t want that to be something that's hovering over me in the future. I just want to get that figured out now.

Thanks Moyo!

If you’re 18 to 30-years-old and want to be featured in the Are You Getting Any? series, send an email to nana.baah@vice.com with the subject Are You Getting Any?

@nanasbaah / @ezekielarchive

Tagged:
Milennials
sex and relationships