Welcome to Commons Confessions: election night special! We'll be talking to Westminster insiders throughout the night about what they (anonymously) make of what's going on. Think of it as a gossipy liveblog.
3.45AM: IT'S THE TORIES
"I honestly don’t even know what to say. Great Britain is fucked. Good results in Northern Ireland though."
"My absolute delight at seeing the worst people in the Labour party getting a kicking is offset by seeing the worst people in the Tory party gloating."
"It's a strange sensation of being absolutely devastated but also seeing those I despise get what they deserve."
"There's free champagne in the office but I can't bring myself to drink it, because I know why it's here."
"Parliament is going to be unbearable. Tories have no ideas apart from Brexit; I guess it's obvious now why they did the election and not after Brexit – they would have had nothing to say."
"The question is: will the red wall go red again next time around when the two factors (Corbyn, Brexit) are no longer in play?"
1.30AM: THE RESULTS START ROLLING IN
"There will be some Conservative regret, like the Labour voters who held their noses in 2017 which meant they kept Corbyn. But the hope – and this comes from Johnson insiders – is that Brexit getting done means Dom Cummings is gone and Boris becomes a straight one nation PM (with flashes of right *eyeroll emoji*)."
"I really fucking hope Labour sort themselves out and change leader. Will keep Boris in check to the one nation agenda I’m assured he’ll deliver..."
"The Labour activists I’m talking to are just absolutely devastated – none of them are Corbynites, but they’ve been out on the doorsteps all campaign and feel completely let down by the leadership’s lack of strategy, and the Corbynite disconnect from the actual heartlands. Picking up Putney (which could easily swing back to the Tories next time) doesn’t make up for losing places like Blyth Valley in the long run. It’s just been a circle jerk of left-wingers patting themselves on the back and thinking they know what people want – they clearly didn’t, or they didn’t believe it."
"Jess Phillips definitely seems to be eyeing up a leadership bid. Has to be someone like her or Rayner – a heartlands Labour MP."
"Boris Johnson rules everything; we may have to get used to about ten years of him and Carrie. A majority government will be interesting after nine years of no or thin majorities..."
"What’s a bit terrifying is how many Labour women are looking like they’ll lose their seats. Could this parliament have even fewer women than the last?"
"Quite mesmerised by Corbynites coming up with ways in which this can be configured as a staging post on the way to socialism. Going the very looooong way round."
10PM: THE EXIT POLL
"I think that the nation clearly doesn't give a shit about being lied to. Boris Johnson is the all-powerful Prime Minister and he now has a chance to go down as one of the greatest PMs in history. He smashed his opposition and defied the odds. However much you hate the man – and I fucking hate him – he has played an absolute fucking blinder."
"This is fucking awful. I think I'm actually going to vomit. I was hoping we'd hold on to most of our seats and sadly lose a few of them!"
"Holy shit. Boris isn't a man who deserves a lead like this. He's half the man Cameron was and if this is right there's no stopping him!"
"People in CCHQ will be going berserk. They'll be getting hammered, while some of the more assiduous ones will be getting results coming through from the counts – does this look accurate? But the research and press teams will be going mental while also vaguely trying to keep it together."
"Well, there goes the idea that Northern Irish MPs will be decisive in this Parliament. No one here supports the Brexit deal, so it’s in no-one's interests for it to pass. It's deeply shit, in every way."
"Feels right but still totally gobsmacked seeing numbers like that. On Labour, it should be the end of Corbyn, but it quite possibly won’t be. They chucked the kitchen sink at this campaign and have been humiliated. The team that has spent four years making Labour theirs won’t go down without a fight - McDonnell is already out there blaming the media, and I imagine the autopsy will be that the messenger, not the message was wrong... Expect one more Corbynite heave, even if not with him at the helm."
"Glad I wore a tie so I can hang myself with it."
"I had gone round a lot of consistencies and Labour marginals and so many people were clearly coming over to Boris. All the evidence this would happen was in front of me, but my gut said otherwise. I presumed hung and my experience was anecdotal. Devastated to learn otherwise."
EARLIER IN THE DAY
"Is it bad that as a House of Commons staffer and politically aware person, I can’t bring myself to do anything other than draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper? If it helps I plan to draw a really elaborate cock and balls, possibly wearing a costume of some kind.
[Ten minutes later] "Okay I did it, the cock and balls had a cowboy hat on and I wrote NOPE underneath it."