Some gak (Photo by Adam Swank)
A court heard today that a woman from Kent, England named Nicola Austen bought 12 bags of cocaine to ensure her daughter "had a good time" on her 18th birthday, and I am fucking serious this time, I am serious: if Nicola does not make the Mum of the Year shortlist, the Mum of the Year currently being Billie Faiers off of The Only Way Is Essex, then I quit. I quit life. Fire me into the sun with a cannon. I don't want to be here any more.
Maidstone Crown Court heard today how, in January, 37-year-old Austen bought her daughter a limo to London and 5.65 grams of lovely cocaine to make sure her 18th birthday wasn't rubbish, like mine was, when I got a weird bulky TV from Tesco as my main present and an odd family party where I wasn't allowed to get drunk and we all ate vegetarian lasagne. That, versus getting extremely geared up in the back of a limo? I will take the limo cocaine and the arrested mum, cheers.
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That said, the police were having none of it, and raided her home in Tunbridge Wells, finding drugs worth £300 hidden in compartments in Austen's windowsill. Austen – who has six previous convictions, including possession – admitted possessing cocaine with intent to supply, and confessed that she was planning to get on a massive one with her daughter.
Prosecutor Craig Evans told the court: "They were going to London in a limousine and she [Austen] wanted to ensure they had a good time." Speaking from her home last night, Austen said: "It's all been blown out of proportion. I've had enough. It isn't exactly the scoop of the century, is it? It was a party."
Current street prices for cocaine seem to indicate that Austen's gear was of decent, if not fantastic quality. Maybe it's best to save the really good chang for your daughter's 21st?
Anyway, she was given a nine-month suspended sentence and 250 hours of unpaid work. The moral of this story is: if you are going to buy your daughter cocaine for her birthday, hide it somewhere better than in a windowsill.
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