People love the Queen. Tourists fly to London every year just to look at the palace that isn't really her main house. And this week a UK-wide initiative was launched, imploring people to grab their rubbish scoops and purple bin bags to pick up litter for her 90th birthday. People squatting to scrape cigarette butts off the pavement is every nonagenarian's dream gift, isn't it?Granted, the Queen is probably wealthy enough to pay participants to do this, rather than having them tidy up the streets for free. But if the Queen's subjects are willing to clean for her, what else would they do? We wandered down to Knightsbridge to chat to a group of roughly 10 volunteers doing their bit to #cleanforthequeen this weekend – and found out how far they were willing to go for the old girl.
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Matt's on the left there, dealing with a bin bag
VICE: Hi Matt, It's clear you like cleaning for the queen, but how far would you go? Would you scrub down her corgis' kennels?Matt: Yeah, go on, I'd give that a bit of a go.There'll be horses parading about on the Queen's official birthday in June, and with lots of horses comes their excrement. Would you clean all of that up?
Absolutely. In fact, I'd rather do that than clean out the dog kennels – I used to horse ride for about five years so I'm quite familiar with horse poo.Are you familiar with the term "Groom of the Stool"?
No. But it sounds a little bit like it may involve excrement?Yeah, it was the title given to the who basically worked as a royal arse wiper for the monarchy. But on the plus side, the Groom's insider knowledge made him privy to some of the big state secrets. Would you become a Groom?
[Laughs] I think I may do it if a Knighthood's on the agenda as well as royal gossip. Potentially.Would you clean all of the windows in Buckingham palace for an MBE, then?
Yeah I would.There's 760 of those by the way.
All good – I've got a plan for this. I'd use the sensitive moist wipes that I had been using as the stool groomer to clean the windows and I think they'd be very effective.That's rank, but thank you.
Dan, looking just as happy with himself as you'd expect from someone cleaning for a monarch
VICE: Hi Dan, looks like you're cleaning for the Queen. Would you oil all 3,000 door hinges in the palace for her? Dan: I'd do it for an OBE. For the title! For the glory!
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What about change all 40,000 lightbulbs in the palace for a CBE?
Yes, for the title I'd do it. What about a Knighthood?Well, she wants you to wax all 77,000 square feet of floors in the palace for that.
I'd do it, 100 percent. For the bragging rights.
Amy would not give the Queen a lung
VICE: Queen Liz is in trouble and needs you. Would you help her out? Amy: Maybe… how would I be helping?She needs your kidney.
No. She can't have it.What about your lung?
No!Amy, come on. You're cleaning for her. What about if she was caught outside of Ministry of Sound with an illegal substance on her. Would you take the rap?
Yeah… I probably would. I wouldn't give her my organs but I'd take the time.
Hector, of horse excrement-cleaning experience
VICE: Hector, it's clear you like cleaning for the Queen. Would you scrub down her dog kennels? Hector: I like dogs, so I guess I would.What about horse shit. Would you clean that up for her?
I have done horses as well so that would be ok.Wait, what? OK. I've asked Matt this, but would you be royal arse wiper for the Queen?
Whose arse would I have to wipe?The Queen's, most likely.
[chuckles] Oh fuck, I don't know. I've never really thought about it. Do I get paid well?Yeah I'm sure you would.
Fuck it, i'd do it.
And Bunlee, who draws the line at an unexpected point
VICE: Would you clean the entire palace for the Queen? Bunlee: I'd clean the windows just to get a look at Buckingham Palace!Right. Would you close all 1500 doors in the palace for the Queen?
Yes.Change all 40,000 lightbulbs?
I would do all of those things.
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