Dos & Don'ts

Tiny shorts and little legs stuffed into big leather boots puts girls on a Country-and-Western pedestal that says, "I'm frail and delicate enough to always make you horny" BUT "I am also prepared to defend you and kick the shit out of anyone that disparages you in any way." When you see girls like this you lean over to your friend and say, "Wife."

Oh man, there's nothing like a girl that knows how much we like her. That's one of the few upsides to a million Puerto Ricans a day hooting and hollering and saying "What's your name, mami?"

It's annoying if she's middle class but if she's from that neighborhood it eventually gives her that "just been laid" confidence that makes the rest of us feel like virgins.   You know a guy is a DO when he makes you hate everyone else on earth for not being equally amazing. Oh, you bought someone a beer? Congratulations! This guy took a severely handicapped gimp to the skate park and had him doing 360 Benihanas so far over the hip his fucking pillows flew off.

Why do Nazis get their panties in such a bind about race mixing? Have you ever watched a mutt and a thoroughbred go up the stairs? The mutt just zips up there like it ain't no thang and the bullmastiff or whatever has to take about ten breaks. That's why if you're small or black or male or female you need to iron out the kinks by breeding the opposite of yourself. The next generation will thank you.   As we've said a million times before, old dudes look better than you because they've figured out exactly what suits their vibe. They understand how funny they look and know how to perfectly accentuate that with subtle comedic touches that say, "I know my mouth looks funny."

Ah ha ha. That is classic. Making fun of L.A. dinks by dressing up as airhead electroclash cunts and pea-brained metrosexual male models.

Holy shit, what if they're not kidding? What if it's just a bunch of L.A. "funsters" oblivious to how much we hate their Hollywood guts? (Putting my hands on my ears) I can't hear you blah blah nah nah blah.   What a great fucking dad this guy is. He doesn't have gel in his hair or take snowboard lessons, he just fixes stuff, builds his daughter a seven-story doll house, and wears the five things he's been wearing since you were born.

Some people just reach out into the ether and pull out all the bad-ass Knight Rider slickness that the rest of us don't even know is there. There's so much power in this guy's steez he makes you want to live in his beer. Imagine how his fucking lips taste?   You don't see a lot of these Joanna Newsom-type New York hippies since Alleged left and what's-her-name died but they seem to be making a comeback, thank God. (They make good girlfriends because they do weird shit in bed and have tons of cool stuff in their apartment.)

We tend to take a big wet dump on accessories but this bitch has so much great shit draped all over her you can't really fuck with it. She kind of makes me want to do the drummer from Early Man, which is fucked-up because that's on some gay shit.   Since when are ten-year-olds so intimidating? I mean, I can stomach the fact that my bones are too brittle to ride a skateboard anymore, but throw a three-piece suit and some wingtips into the mix and this little shitstain makes me feel like Barbara Bush.

One of the worst things about passing out wasted is pissing yourself. Even after your pants dry they smell bad and make you feel like a loser. In order to avoid this you may want to just pull your weiner out and let it breathe. However, if your penis is a foreskin-heavy sausage roll you may want to endure the wet pants and let people continue to imagine it's more than a centimeter.

Not only is this first-year rug muncher the only person in the world with Pink Floyd Zoobas, her backpack says, "Sexuality is God's greatest gift." I don't know how you lesbians out there feel about this but us straight males are so turned off our dinks look like the passed-out guy's.   Do you know what douche chills are? That's when you're enjoying some laughs at a karaoke bar and some

American Idol

gino in a wool hat gets out there and actually tries to be all sexy about it and you look down at your arm hairs and they're pointing straight up like if you were a fly.

One of the most neglected aboriginal tribes is the Motocross Muppet Babies of the Sudan. They're trying to raise awareness about their people by showing up at clubs looking so ridiculous we're like, "Ah ha ha look at his fucking hair… anyways, what are you guys all about?" Pamphlets ensue.   You know, the worst part is I don't even think these guys are twins. Shit, they're probably not even gay. They're just two European fuckheads who love New York and are best friends with a girl and are riding the train because "it's hip-hop culture." How much would you have to be paid to endure their house at Christmas?

Are they fucking with us? Maybe I'm overestimating the power of

Vice

, but when I saw these I got the feeling they were thinking, "We know we make you cringe so how about this, motherfucker?" It's like when a junkie dad knows he's a piece of shit and you're like, "Dad, why you gotta be like that?" and he just leans back with blood spouting out of his arm and his eyes rolling back in his head and he just goes "Aw, go fuck yourself" and passes out. It's like they like to be hated.

Toronto girls have this weird raver curse where they seem kind of hot and fun to hang out with but then you look down and they're either wearing space boots or some kind of stupid leg accessory that looks like they're insecure but in the future.   Aren't thugs at least a little self-conscious at the perpetual childhood that is their lives? Haven't they seen

Baby Boy

? They live at home, get spankings when they're late, and now they ride fucking toy motorbikes to school.

Not since the alchemists has one group of people been so determined to defy physics. For the last time junkies, you can't sleep standing up. If you want to take a nap go lie down on the side of the road. If you want all your problems to go away, roll over to the yellow line.   OK, we're not saying you have to be like Edith in

All in the Family

but can you take it a little bit easy, please? You look like one of those girls that's so good at blow jobs you kind of get bummed out and lose your boner and then she's all, "What the fuck's your problem, asshole!?" (which isn't helping things).