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The Party Issue

Frats Vs. Punks

I once heard a horrible, horrible man (my biological dad) say, "An Irishman is just a nigger turned inside out."

by Studs McFuckface
01 December 2004, 12:00am
Can you tell which is which? Photos (L-R) by Thatcher Keats and Andrew Moisey

I once heard a horrible, horrible man (my biological dad) say, "An Irishman is just a nigger turned inside out." Though that quote is wrong for a plethora of reasons, it can be effectively used to describe punks, who are essentially frat boys turned inside out.

I don't mean wussy new-school punks who wear clean black hoodies and do livejournals. I'm talking "real" punks (squatters whose reading level doesn't extend beyond Cometbus, who think Sandinista! is the ultimate sellout bullshit of the last 40 years, and who have that Critical Mass logo tattooed on the backs of their hands).

And while we're in Definitionville (Population: Me), let's be clear on what frat boys are. They are not the lovable oafs of Delta House, nor are they the yuppie ogres of Revenge of the Nerds. Frat boys are the middle of the road. They are the human equivalent of 21⁄2 baths. For four years in college they live in a quasi-caveman state in which they drink 5,000 cans of Natural Ice a week and have sex with a measly two girls a semester. They all like the same music (Dave Matthews) and eat the same food (mac and cheese) as their brothers. Everything they do is part of a nebulous orthodoxy.

Much like punks, I'm afraid. They all listen to the same music (Crass) and eat the same food (dumpstered bagels). They consume as much cheap beer as they can stand. They fuck maybe two trust-fund punk chicks (who commute in from the suburbs) per season.

The real parallels between punks and frat dudes, however, can be seen at their parties. At both you will witness aggressive chanting, beer bongs, enough vomit to fill a pool, and unenthusiastic sex between people who wouldn't touch each other sober. "SMASH THE STATE!! RIOT!!" Hold, on, I meant, "USA! USA! USA!! RIOT!!" Ah, fuck it.

Now here's the creepy part: so-called differences in American culture are really a vast anti-party conspiracy. It is a classic divide-and-conquer technique. Jesus, didn't you read Machiavelli when Tupac told you to? The powers-that-be (I looked over my shoulder when I typed that) don't want punks and frat dudes to unite in partying. Can you imagine how big a party that would be? It would spill out into the streets, nobody would get any sleep, and then we'd all be late for work the next day. The whole economy would collapse! That's why those fat cats in Washington are telling you that punk is one thing and frats are another thing when really they are the same thing! OK? So stop beating each other up all the time.