Now ‘Fruit Ninja’ Is Being Made Into a Movie and I Can’t Even…

Incredibly popular mobile game Fruit Ninja is to follow in the digital footsteps of Assassin's Creed, DOOM, Angry Birds and – weirdest of all until now – Tetris (which is going to be a trilogy, what the f?) in moving from the interactive touch screen to the chuff-off enormous one down the nearest multiplex.

Yup. Fruit Ninja. The movie. Is happening. At least, it's probably going to be a thing, says The Hollywood Reporter, specifying that it'll hopefully be adapted into a live-action family comedy. Like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids but with pineapples, perhaps.

Halfbrick's slice-these-goddam-melons-right-in-half twitch score-chase hit (to the tune of a billion downloads, yikes) has been picked up by Vinson Films, headed up by San Andreas producer Tripp Vinson, and is to receive a script courtesy of J.P. Lavin and Chad Damiani. That duo's sole (screenwriting) credit worthy of mentioning by Eurogamer, who also picked up the story: the 59th Primetime Emmy Awards. Which is a lot like a movie. Obviously.

We had some fun at VICE the other day, dreaming up plotline possibilities for the first Tetris movie. For Fruit Ninja, I'm seeing someone use a couple of coconut halves to do that whole clippity-clop, here comes a horse thing at some point, let's say 20 minutes in; and around the inevitable mid-section slump a supporting character will a couple of grapes stuck up their nose. Kids love that shit. Later, one of the very fruitiest ninjas will skilfully bisect an onion, causing eyeball distress to his or her enemy. And there'll be a "chilli pepper on the fingers, then you go for a piss" gag. Classic. Expect the baddies to be campaigning for tomatoes to be finally accepted as fruit, even though you use them to make delicious ragu, which is no place for an orange.

(Do not bother tweeting us to say that tomatoes are a fruit. We know. You don't get any in Fruit Ninja, though, do you? It's all strawberries and kiwis. Nice things. Stuff you'd put in a fruit salad, not a lamb bhuna.)

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