Fun with Drugs in Border Cities!

One interesting thing about living next to the international checkpoint separating Canada from Detroit is that you always have to strategize your drug plan before going out. This is sketchy shit that I probably shouldn’t be talking about on the internet, but VICE has hung out with murderous cannibals before, so fuck it.

First of all, people don’t realize how close Windsor is to Detroit. I can identify a car’s model from across the river, and because the only entertaining things happening in this region are on the Detroit side, I have to cross the border a lot. It’s a five-minute bus ride, depending on the mood of the customs officer, which is kind of a terrifying concept when you think about it in a grander sense.

In high school my friends and I liked going to concerts on Woodward Avenue. We also liked smoking weed and taking ecstasy and dropping acid, so planning our evening was usually something of a burdensome task. The weird thing, though, is that we never thought of it as a big deal. It was only after talking with other people later in life that I realized how super ballsy/not OK those transnational party nights were. So in case you were wondering how we did it, here is a guide on how to smuggle drugs across an international border crossing if you’re a stupid teenager (which, retrospectively, I would never recommend).

PHARMACEUTICAL TAMPONS

This one is a classic. We’ve all seen it in movies and heard about it in songs, but yes—you too can put drugs up your butt and/or vagina with little to no repercussions. “Little,” in this instance, means an invasive security process, a permanent record, possible jail time, and denied entry into America forever or until you pay lots of money to have a CHANCE at getting your identity verified again.

Getting high is important, though! Don’t let a bunch of pesky customs officers get in your way.

Here’s what you can do.

Remove a tampon from its applicator and tightly wrap your pill or plant of choice around the cotton part of the tampon using plastic wrap or Scotch tape. Make sure that your drugs are completely covered, especially if your tampon is going up your ass.

Then stick your drug tampon into your body, pushing it as far up as you possibly can. When the officer asks if you have any illegal substances on you, say no. It’s not even a lie! Because it’s INSIDE of you! Har har har.

When you get to your destination, pull on your magic string (in private, if need be) and TA-DA! You’ve got drugs, because you’re a clever, orifice-ridden magician.

TIME IT AND TAKE IT

This was the most common method, especially with ecstasy. Personally, though, this move always made me feel more nervous than the tampon option. My friends would either drive or take the bus, and in the tunnel (oh yeah, there’s a weird underground tunnel thing) or just before approaching the bridge, they would stealthily swallow MDMA. This way they would be sober while talking to the customs officer, hopefully while driving to the venue, and then once they finally got to the concert they would be all fuzzy and love drugged.

All you need for this one is good timing, but it’s pretty risky because there’s a fair chance that traffic at the border will be congested, or the officers will call you into questioning. With drug tampons you can handle yourself coolly in front of the officers (if you’re not the nervous type), but if you get questioned after doing the time it and take it method your pupils will be dilated, your mouth dry, and you’ll be sweating profusely, laughing uncontrollably, or saying really situation-inappropriate, weird shit. So, basically, you’re fucked.

GET YOUR PARENTS TO DRIVE

This is pretty much bulletproof unless your parents are as sketchy as you are. My friends have good parents with good jobs and decent cars, so crossing the border with weed in our pockets was a no-brainer. (Ew, does that sound like I’m bragging?)

I’ve never been searched with my parents. In fact, the only time I’ve been searched was when I was crossing alone on a Wednesday afternoon, and it was obvious that the officer just wanted to see the figure hiding beneath my winter jacket. (Mmm, power abuse.) But that’s just a side story that I’ve been keeping to myself, quietly/submissively/vulnerably. (Mmm…???)

Anyway, although using your parents to smuggle drugs across the border is really easy and most likely reliable, there’s always a chance that things can go wrong, and then you’ve got your parents in the middle of the messy consequences of your poor, childish decision making.

Obviously the best option of all, of course, would be to:

MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS IN DETROIT!

It took us an embarrassingly long time to realize that drug dealers in Detroit weren’t that hard to come across. In fact, they’re literally standing at every street corner. In fact, they comprise the entire city. (Just kidding, Detroit. Please don’t kill me.)

All that being said, if ever you find yourself facing a checkpoint where officers have no strict code of conduct to abide by and you’re still desperate to get fucked up, be sure to choose your methods wisely and accept any of the repercussions if things start to get all gnar-gnar.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. Smuggling drugs across borders is illegal and a mind-bogglingly stupid thing to do. You should never, under any circumstances, attempt to do it. You morons.

Put these in your bong and smoke them:

A Beginner's Guide to Drugs for Girls

Being Anti-High Feels Anti-Good

The Cockroach and the Cokehead

@karacrabb