Film Bloggers Have Better Lives Than You

Hey, I'm not sure if you guys know how The Media works, but when film companies have new movies out, they send people who write about films on these all-expenses-paid mini vacations themed around the movie so that they'll write about it and "generate buzz."

I get offered these sometimes but generally turn them down. This is because I don't like many things, and as a lame mom who doesn't believe in criticism (and therefore progress) once said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

But recently someone got in touch to see if I wanted to fly with Johnny Knoxville on a private jet to Vegas and watch Bad Grandpa. As a firm believer that genitalia, farting, and people falling over will never, ever stop being funny, I'm a big fan of "the Jackass guys," as fans call them, so I figured this would be a great trip to write about.

Also I can't afford a vacation this year. So here's how my free trip to Vegas went. Enjoy!

This is the private jet we took from Los Angeles to Vegas. I'd never been on a "PJ" before (and presumably never will again). I assume you've never been on a private jet either (you fucking loser), so here's a couple of differences between a PJ and a regular plane:

I assume it differs from company to company, but with the private jet company we flew with, this was the type of coffee we got.

The thought of some corporate drone chuckling to themselves as they ordered this out of the office supply catalog made me happy.

And this is what a private jet meal looks like, a.k.a. what I'm assuming 90 percent of the things Jay-Z eats look like.

BTW, since flying on a PJ, I find rap music to be like, 0.2 percent more relatable. Which is nice.

Anyway, Knoxville, in character as Irving Zisman, boarded the plane and started handing out free drinks to people.

Most of the people on board were radio contest winners, so things pretty quickly descended into the kind of chaos that would have everyone tasered and hog-tied if it broke out on a commercial airline.

Jackson, the kid from the movie, took over the plane's intercom and said some stuff that, generally, you wouldn't hear over a plane intercom. I forget what. Probably fart noises, IDK.

Then he started sliding the plane food down the aisle and hitting people in the nuts.

Then "Irving" went to the plane bathroom to have sex with his "girlfriend," before being told to get back in his seat by the world's most patient stewardess. This is him yelling some stuff at her.

Once we landed, I got put in a party bus (lol) to the Planet Hollywood Hotel.

The rooms there are all themed after movies and have real props in them.

My room was themed after a movie about fighter jets called Flight of the Intruder. My side table contained a hat worn by Danny Glover in the movie.

I know it's probably difficult to find movie props to fill the 3,000 or so rooms you have in your hotel, Planet Hollywood, but just making up fake movies is pretty shady.

Then we took another party bus to a movie theater in a mall somewhere and watched Bad Grandpa.

I know you think I'm just saying this because I was given a free trip to Vegas, but it was actually really, really funny.

After the movie was over (and I'd repaired my sides that HAD SPLIT CUS I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD), I somehow ended up at the after-party for the movie Last Vegas.

That thing that looks like a glamorous granny that all those people are gathered around is actually Michael Douglas.

Industry secret: celebrities don't really attend these parties. Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman and The Other Less Famous Dude That's in Last Vegas all just pretended to be going into the party. They actually just walked down the red carpet then bailed through a side door.

The only celeb I saw inside was Ted Danson. Here is a picture of the back of his head.

Serious but unrelated Vegas question: What is the target demographic for Las Vegas? This was an upcoming event being advertised at the club that was throwing the Last Vegas party. Cover at the club is like $40, and drinks cost $15. So you're looking at spending, what, like a couple of hundred dollars to go to this? Who has that kind of money to spend, but finds an event called "Turnt Up Terror with DJ Pauly D" appealing?

The next morning, after a beautiful night spent dreaming of Danny Glover and fighter jets, I had a few hours to kill before I was scheduled to go and interview Johnny Knoxville. So I decided to spend it soaking up some of Vegas' rich culture and history.

There was just so much to see and do.

But I think I managed to squeeze it all in. (This is the actual outfit worn by Shania Twain in the video for "That Don't Impress Me Much" BTW.)

I went to some hotel conference room to wait with the other people who were scheduled to interview Johnny.

While I was waiting, Jackson came out and asked some girl if she wanted a Snickers. When she said yes, he smushed it into her face. Nobody laughed. It was pretty awkward.

Then I got put into some little side room with Johnny for a half hour to interview him.

Thankfully, he was not in character as Irving Zisman, as talking to people who are in character is one of my least favorite things in the entire world. I've actually hidden at Disneyland before in order to avoid doing it.

Here's some stuff he said:

On that thing he's wearing on his arm: "I ruptured a tendon in my hand. I was dressed up as Irving for a promo at a frat house and people kept handing me beers, and someone dosed me with X."

On the possibility of a Bad Grandpa sequel: "We filmed more than double what made it into the movie, 'cause you never know what's going to work. We filmed a lot of bits with Spike Jonze playing a character called Gloria, but it didn't really work for the story, so all this funny stuff had to go. We're gonna do a Bad Grandpa .5."

On regret: "I had two pairs of balls, one a 12-inch pair and the other a 17-inch pair that I could tuck in my sock. The ones in the movie are the more subtle 12-inch ones. We tried using the longer ones, but it didn't work… Oh well."

On how Jackass has changed his life: "When I get a rental car, they always ask me if I'm filming."

On me showing him a scar I have on my hand that I got while trying to copy a thing I saw on Jackass when I was a teenager: "Oh no… Sorry about that."

To conclude: Please go see Bad Grandpa. If the movie industry doesn't continue to make the amount of money it currently makes, I might never get a free vacation again. Thanks.

@JLCT

More film stuff:

Off Hollywood - Joanna Cassidy

'Bad Grandpa' - Behind the Scenes

'Machete Kills' is the Blunt Edge of Schlock-Wave Cinema