“Hey you, go fuck yourself,” OK I will, “What?” Oh, I made a latex dildo that is an exact replica of my dick so fucking myself is no probs. Come to think of it, double stuffing my girlfriend and then fucking her while I get a blowjob is also no probs. Oh yeah, and when I’m away; having phone sex with her while she fucks herself with my dick is also no probs. Neither is giving it to ex-girlfriends so they never get over me. That too is no probs. See ya.
Check www.makeyourowndildo.com 2 iTunes and iPod
Making mix tapes was a great time and everything but when you put on 3LW as a joke it starts getting on your nerves and you have to re-record the whole thing to get rid of it. Making playlists in iTunes however is so fucking fun it’s actually better than listening to music. Like the guy in High Fidelity that likes to re-order his records all the time, you get to put your stuff into categories like, “classic punk, 80s shit, dirty south” and then assemble and re-assemble great mixes. The best is when you have a problem like, “Shit, how am I going to go from my oi set into Gold Chains?” and then you remember, “Oh I’ll just segue it with one of those cockney spoken word things from Garry Johnson.” And if you don’t have it you can go steal it online. It’s fucking limitless. 3 SPAMFIRE
The amount of junk mail in your inbox has more than tripled over the past year and it’s growing exponentially. Depressing no? “No” actually, because no matter how invasive and annoying corporate advertisers get, The People will always be one step ahead (See The VICE Guide to Happiness on p.88). Designed by email genius Michael Herrick, Spamfire is a magical piece of user-friendly software that filters out spam by checking for things like dollar signs, the word diet and website addresses. Before it deletes them, it puts them in a box for you to peruse but once the program gets familiar with your friend list you don’t even have to check the spam box anymore. The best part is the window called “Revenge” wherein you get to “bug the WebBugs” by clogging their website with messages like “You piss me off.” Check www.matterform.com for the latest version. It’s only for Mac now but the Windows version is almost ready. 4 DISH
The only thing worse than sitting on hold at Time Warner Cable is that horrible recording of a woman’s voice saying, “we’re committed to being the best.” Satellite TV is way cheaper and way more fun. You love it when you get it but after the first month you realize all the rad things you weren’t using like the no-talking radio channels with infinite classical or classic rock (and it says what the songs are) or the info button that tells you about the movie you’re watching or the fucking hard drive it has where you can record your favorite shows the same way Tivo does. 5 MEDICATED GOLD BOND
Unbeknownst to broads, men have some very serious swimsuit area problems of their own. Anal chaffing (caused by moisture and hair wearing down the crack skin until it is as raw as vivisection) is something men only admit to in closed spaces. They fashion toilet paper into “manpons” and wedge it into their crack in a desperate attempt to dry shit out down there. Well fret no more chappies. All you have to do is: 1 wipe your ass with Wet Wipes, 2 dry it thoroughly with toilet paper, 3 lambaste it with Extra Strength Gold Bond, and BOOM you are done. Go wear plastic leather pants to New Mexico and take a four-hour hike in the desert. See? Cured.6 RIM
We’ve always been pro-ass eating (women don’t shit) but what’s a bad boy gonna do when she’s not there for you? Cheat? Oooh gross, stranger ass. No you’re not going to cheat, you’re going to go buy a nice bottle of ass-flavored water and reminisce. I can’t believe I spelt reminisce right the first try. 7 BOX SETS
After you have about 300 CDs or so they kind of blend into a big blob of music. It seems the more you have the less you have to listen to. And if some poor bastard doesn’t have some exciting text going down the spine you may not notice the fucker for years at a time. That’s why we love box sets so much. We’ve barely listened to the Misfits coffin box set, true, and even in the liner notes for the new New Order box set the band admits they never listen to them either but, and New Order second this emotion, they are so Christmas present cozy nice that you just have to have them. Plus they look great on top of your stereo cabinet. 8 PEANUTS DANCING
Remember that scene where they’re all dancing to that amazing piano riff? How great is that? Everyone is on the dancefloor and everyone is giving 110% (Andrew WK would be proud). You could show that cartoon to someone having a bad trip on acid and they’d dry their tears with their sleeve going, “that’s kind of cool” the way little kids do when you convince them to stop crying by being funny (“don’t tell Mom, don’t tell Mom, hey hey look at me, farty farty poo poo”). 9 Night Glasses
Talk about perpetual optimism. Blue has never been so bluey. The only problem with night glasses (so named because they take the glare out of headlights) is you never want to take them off. The yellow lenses make the whole world look like a beautiful happy place, like E for your eyeballs.