Stay In

Fine, isn’t it! Just another Thursday, so it’s fine. You have some work to catch up on. You’re been meaning to make that stew. You’ve nearly finished Russian Doll, so it’ll be nice to catch up on that. It’s: fine. Your flatmates are out, and good, frankly: 25-minute shower, walk around in two towels with the heating on, trim your fingernails, water your plants. You try and read a book and give up on reading a book. You try and watch TV but there’s nothing on TV (well, there is, but… a lot of it is very… Valentine-y). The thing is, this is fine. You remember there was some post by the doorway, including a handwritten one, and— ah, no, good. Yeah your mum’s sent you a Valentine’s Day card for the 26th consecutive year. Is this… pathetic? No. It’s fine. Not everything has to be pathetic. Some things are nice! This is nice! ‘From… Guess Who x’ is nice! It’s not strange or lame at all!

The lights are off and you sigh out the window, staring. The way the light is reflected here is disconcerting, and rushes between levels: a layer of you, your face stark and sharp against the window; a layer of gauzy orange streetlight; cars streak past, with headlines xenon against the sky; in the distance, where the clouds loom, the last dying gasps of the day’s light. In the distance two dogs bark at one another. Suddenly, a flock of birds takes flight. We are meant to be together, an urge inside you says. The blood beats hard in your ears. Animals. We are, none of us, meant to be alone. A single tear falls out of exactly one eye, weirdly. Weird! Anyway this is fine, and it’s fine. You put all the lights on and draw the curtains. You text the last two people to ghost you and put your phone on Do Not Disturb but frantically check and re-check it anyway. You fall asleep on the sofa and wake up, alone and disorientated, the hard pattern of a towel pressed into you. Is the fact that the only thing that’s hugging you softly to sleep this V–Day cost £18.99 from Dunelm Mill ‘pathetic’? No! Stop saying everything’s pathetic!

YOU HAVE FAILED AT VALENTINE’S DAY