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You Should Never Date Someone New During the Festive Season

Santa baby, slip a disappointing Christmas romance under the tree for me.

by Nana Baah
17 December 2019, 9:15am

Photo by Emily Bowler.

It’s almost Christmas and, I’m so sorry, but you’re single. Even though you’re happy about not having to extend your overdraft just to buy your (now) ex a Christmas gift, you’re incredibly lonely. Sure, you have your hobbies and you see your friends more often than you did before. But it’s been three weeks and ultimately, if you don’t have sex in the next couple of days, you might actually die.

You’ve missed cuffing season and you really want to avoid the chaos that comes with clearing season. So you’re back on the apps, swiping along with all the others in search of someone to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol under a Slanket with or blasting Spotify's "Christmas Hits" playlist as you plough through a family box of Ferrero Rocher. But don’t let The Holiday fool you, dating someone new in December is probably the worst thing you can do to yourself. Here's why.

MAKE NO MISTAKE, THIS IS A CURSED TIME OF YEAR FOR SINGLE PEOPLE

The festive season is worse than Valentine’s Day. There you are, wandering around a Christmas market with someone you matched with on Hinge after being sucked in by pictures of their new puppy, when you bump into a couple you know, all snuggly and happy with their hot chocolates and matching Puffa coats. They either assume that the person you have known for literally less than 12 hours is your boyfriend, or patronisingly tell you how upset they are that you and your ex broke up. ‘Tis the season!!

YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH THEM BUT YOU’RE JUST DRUNK

They’re kind of boring and they’ve been waxing lyrical about how happy they are that they’ve moved to Clapham because it’s south, which is obviously a really cool place to live, but it's not, like, scary south like Peckham. But the fairy lights from the Christmas market stalls are making their eyes sparkle in a pretty magical way. Maybe… maybe you have found The One?

You haven’t, you’ve just had five mulled wines.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

You’d planned on spending the night in and getting a pizza with the person you thought was the love of your life, but they’ve left you now. You already politely declined invites to the now-sold out events all your friends are going to. You end up agreeing to go to the house party your date is having and sure, you won’t know anyone there, but you’re optimistic that you’ll at least get a midnight kiss like they do in films. Instead, your date peaks too early and you spend the night holding their hair back as they drunkenly sob and call you by their ex's name. Happy New Year!

BUT DON’T WORRY, THERE’S ALMOST NO TIME FOR DATING ANYWAY

Why are there Christmas parties every other day? Do you people not know rest?

YOU’LL LOSE OUT TO THEIR WORK CRUSH

The pull of a work crush is much stronger than any allure you have. There’s something electric about only seeing someone in the office kitchen, stirring oat milk into their tea and then, there they are at the work Christmas party, slurring along to "Stacey’s Mom" during karaoke. Extremely erotic. Sorry, you’re out.

YOU WILL SUCCUMB TO MARLEYING FROM AN EX

Your ex has sent you and three of his other exes the exact same text: “Remember when we planned to go ice skating? Hope you and yours are all good.” You never planned to go ice skating together but it’s either this or back to the apps, isn't it?

@nanasbaah

Tagged:
Dating
christmas
new year's