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Are You Getting Any? How I Learned to Enjoy Sex Again After Being Assaulted

Eki has repaired her relationship with sex.

by Nana Baah; photos by Sirui Ma
06 August 2019, 10:23am

Welcome to Are You Getting Any? A column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

EKI, 23

Quality of sex overall: 8/10
Frequency of sex: 7/10
Intimacy levels: 8/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 10/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 7/10

VICE: Hi Eki! So when was the last time you had sex?
Eki: About three days ago.

Are you happy with the amount of sex you’re having?
I am, yeah, but you know, it could always be more. [Laughs.]

So you think you’re having the same amount of sex as other people in relationships?
Yeah. I would think so.

Eki AYGA
Eki at home.

What do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
I think social media is a big part of it. With Instagram, Twitter and dating apps, you can now just have someone at the click of a button. At first, a lot of women were open to it, but now it’s taken such a dark turn. Right now, none of my single female friends use dating apps and I think it’s because women are fed up with feeling heavily objectified.

Have you had any negative experiences with social media and finding someone?
Well, I moved to my boyfriend on Instagram and he aired me, but then I posted a selfie and he messaged me.

Well, at least you’re together now. So before you met your partner, were you put off by the type of men who objectify women?
Sadly not. The thing is, I was raped at 18 and that warped my sense of sex. So I have had sex with some truly awful men. I don’t regret it because I did it at the time and it’s whatever. But in hindsight, the Eki now would not have sex with those men, if that makes sense?

Is that how you dealt with the assault?
Yeah, I was younger and dealing with my trauma in my own way and I kind of threw any kind of morals out the window.

Your morals in terms of how you want to be treated by men and other people in general?
Yeah, I let men treat me like absolute shit.

EKI AYGA

After your assault, how did you relationship with sex change?
It was very distorted. I don’t like saying the word 'damaged' because an ex once called me damaged and I find it really derogatory. I had a lack of self-awareness almost, but I was also very controlled by the desire to have sex. I wouldn’t say I was addicted, but I definitely liked the idea of someone treating me nice, even if it was just once. But then it got to a point where I was having arguments with friends over guys.

How did you recover from that?
I had a six-month-long complete isolation from men, I think that’s when I masturbated at my most. I really needed it and in that window, I quit my job, was single and had no idea what was ahead for me.

Eki AYGA

In the aftermath of the assault, how did you approach having sex again?
I rushed the first time, purely because I didn’t want the last time I was sexually intimate with someone to have been that way. So, it was very much like I had to fuck someone. Not even sleep with, that wasn’t the language I used – it was, "I’ve got to fuck someone." I think I intentionally had those thoughts with that language because 'fuck' is very powerful. It was like I was taking it back.

How did you reconnect with your sexuality?
Honestly, this sounds cheesy but I just grew up. When young girls do go through sexual trauma, I know what they’re going through, I mean, I was 18, I was legally an adult, but still. Now that I’m 23, it’s still something that feels very recent to me. But I think time really helped me. For the first couple of years, I didn’t have many female friends and I was in a shitty relationship. As soon as I broke up with him, I had girlfriends which is a really important thing for me. It gave me a sense of confidence since it was the first time I was single since my assault. Then stayed single for about two to three years until I met my current boyfriend.

OK, so let’s go back. What was your relationship with sex like when you were younger?
I was always intrigued by sex right from a young age. I remember one time, it was really late at night and I was about nine years old. I woke up and Eyes Wide Shut was on TV, and there’s Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise and they’re basically in this orgy. I was fascinated by it. I’ve always known that I liked it, and I like that I liked it. I liked that I was comfortable and OK with it. But it didn’t mean I wanted to have loads of sexual experiences at a young age.

And did losing your virginity live up to your expectations?
I was so underwhelmed. I remember walking home from his house to the bus stop and being sore. It took about half a day to even go in. I got to his house at 11, we tried straight away and I was like, "No." Then we had lunch, I was bloated, so I said no. Then we watched a couple of movies, smoked some weed because I was nervous. We eventually did it and I faked the whole thing. I was like "Yeah, harder" but I was in so much pain ... but it was all from watching porn.

But now that you’re in a happy relationship, has the quality of sex improved too?
Definitely.

That must be nice. Do you reckon a lot of women who are having less sex are having that problem?
Yeah, a lot of women are thinking, Why would I bother getting dressed and going around to this guy’s house and inconveniencing myself when I could just go online and order a vibrator? One of my friends recommended this clitoris toy.

AYGA-Eki
Eki always keeps tissues by the bed.

Is it the one that feels like you’re getting head?
Yes! Yeah, I just saved for a little while and honestly ... wow. It’s very good. I still masturbate even though I’m in a relationship. Masturbation and sex are different, and a lot of single women just want that orgasm, not the closeness or anything like that. Personally, if I could go back and do my single years again, I wish I would have masturbated more.

And had less disappointing sex?
Yeah, exactly. I feel like I have definitely been with people who don’t deserve to say they’ve been with me because I’m not shit but they are. When they say it’s good and you’re thinking, “For who?”

Or, like being asked if you came?
That’s the worst. You know if I come. Like what Megan Thee Stallion said.

Wise words from Thee Hot Girl herself. I’m really glad your sex life is fulfilled now and you don’t have to deal with that stuff anymore.
Fulfilled and healthy. I mean, what do you think all these tissues by the bed are for?

Let’s end it there. Thanks Eki!

@nanasbaah