The project: To Rank Every Boy in Charli XCX's Music Video for "Boys" Which is a Feminist Tract for a New Generation.
The rationale: Basically the entire point of this music video is to make a comment about how women are objectified in music videos at large, and the fact that so many famous men willingly took part (literally no kink goes uncatered to) shows that they agree and are happy to subject themselves to a bit of light objectification for two worthy causes: 1) Feminism, and 2) My Indeterminate and Unquenchable Thirst. Based mostly on 2), I just really wanted to rank the Boys and my bosses are letting me and that's why we're here.
The methodology: To be honest man there kind of isn't one. This definitely does sag in the middle and I'm sorry but in my defence I am enormously overstimulated at the minute. In terms of how it works: if a Boy only ever appears alongside another Boy they are ranked together. Would also like to clarify that it is not a ranking of Hotness only – Hotness is of course a factor, but so are: Humour, Cuteness, General Vibe, and Quality of Performance. It is but a ranking of Boys:
1) Riz Ahmed
As the Backstreet Boys once said: "I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did: as long as you have eyes there's no possibility that you didn't feel a way when Riz Ahmed pretended to talk to the pink teddy bear in a Charli XCX video in the year 2017." Prophets. Anyway, Riz Ahmed just made everyone pregnant.
Stormzy is the official nicest person in the world and my god does he work a cereal bowl. Husband material.
3) Ezra Koenig (and Mark Ronson, about whom I care not, because there is only Ezra, Ezra brushing his teeth, forever)
Fuck u all it's my list.
Khalid cuddling some puppies has made me feel re-energised and renewed in a way that no spa treatment ever could.
5) Brendon Urie
I feel strongly that if my pre-teen self could have been consulted about how her fledgling desires could best be met, she'd have come up with this.
6) Dan Smith
Just found out that this is the dude from Bastille and honestly I'm not the person I thought I was. Also why are all my favourites the guys who are eating and/or have things in their mouth? I mean it's kind of clear why but also tell me I'm wrong.
I have never dressed as well as MNEK in my life.
8) Cameron Dallas
I don't know who he is either but he's got a chainsaw like a gardener fucking the rich female property owner and I love it.
9) Mac DeMarco
There's no way that the shot of Mac DeMarco licking the guitar is not the single best shot in this entire music video (the second best shot is when he lunges with the guitar.)
Nobody ever looks happier than DRAM and that makes him a top ten Boy.
11) Joe Jonas
It'd be too obvious to put him in the top ten but know this: there are few people in this world who manage to make pancake eating look hot and he is one of them.
The G is for 'g-spot,' thanks.
I love Aminé!! He is so cute!!
14) Joey Badass
I can't ride a bike so this feels glamorous and dangerous.
15) Tinie Tempah
Honestly this is mostly about the dog but Tinie Tempah is an extremely attractive man isn't he?
16) Connor Franta
I appreciate Connor because he really brought 'sexy' where a lot of Boys went 'cute.' Some might say that brushing your lips with your thumb and staring meaningfully down the camera is too on the nose. Not Connor, bravely suggestive, raging against the current.
Benching puppies is a flex.
18) Max Hershenow
Really good at dancing which I respect.
Friend of Noisey and all round great Boy.
20) Barns Courtney
No idea who this is but his haircut makes him look like he'd ask me for nudes and then stop responding, making him exactly the sort of man I find attractive.
21) Rostam Batmanglij
Bleached hair on dudes is a #look and Rostam is a cute baby, resulting in a very strong place in this ranking!
22) Ty Dolla $ign and Wiz Khalifa
I wish I owned every item of clothing on show here.
23) Jack Antonoff
Jack scores highly because lifting weights is very macho and funny and also because I met him once and he's really nice.
24) Tom Daley
Tom Daley is obviously hot but he is kind of too hot and he would definitely really enjoy telling you about his workout regime.
25) Swet Shop Boys
The fluffy pen is really what did this for me, because I take stationery very seriously. And thank you! I do have a nice butt!
27) Theo Hutchcraft
Looks like he's really into whiskey but is also good at finger banging?
28) Jay Park
I keep seeing these flamingo inflatables everywhere and I find them really aspirational, Jay is really selling this one to me.
29) Fai Khadra
*extremely eyes emoji* but unfortunately not enough of a performance to rank higher.
30) Flume and A.G. Cook
Dig this kind of horrific adult-brothers-who-still-live-with-their-mother-who-insists-they-dress-the-same vibe.
Kaytranada's appearance is kinda boring, which is disappointing, but he's Kaytranada, so he hits mid-list.
32) Jay Prince
I wish I had ever felt this happy.
33) Vance Joy
34) Shaun Ross
I hope that he did not burn his tongue but admire his abandon.
The hat game here is really, really good.
36) Taka Moriuchi
Into the earrings.
37) Fred MacPherson
Irresponsible use of a very nice guitar honestly.
38) Tommy Cash
I don't know if his moustache is real and I don't feel good about it; looks like a lot of the people who appear on my local Tinder.
Is this a boyband?
40) Denzel Curry
Not enough screen time imo.
41) Oli Sykes
Would be number one if this was ten years ago.
42) Portugal. The Man
Kinda gnarly if he did actually get a 'Charli' tattoo.
Has anyone actually ever had a real pillow fight though?
44) Sage the Gemini
Into the balloons, I often fantasise about how much I'd like someone to buy me balloons like this which spell out my name for a special occasion because I am an enormous narcissist and also love the 'gram.
Extremely well dressed and probably would have scored higher if I had actually given people points rather than just putting them in this list with no real rhyme or reason.
46) Caspar Lee
Didn't enjoy this, don't smash shit over your own head, that's a basic rule of being a human.
47) Mic Lowry
Is this a boyband? I'm so out of touch with the teens.
48) The Cobra Snake
Looks like Chris O'Dowd, and I feel neither negatively nor positively about it.
Reminds me of my mom and also makes me cringe a lot on The Voice so it's a 'no' from me.
50) Tom Grennan
Honestly I'm sure he's really nice but I swear I went to college with a million boys who look like this boy.
51) Jack Guinness
Idk, kinda looks like he's lowkey pro-life.
52) Carl Barat
Didn't even realise this was him honestly.
53) Tristan Evans and James McVey
These people look like their job is pranking people on YouTube.
54) Prince and Jacob
So do these.
55) Charlie Puth
56) Frank Carter
This made me feel weird.
57) Liam Fray
I don't like The Courteeners and cannot believe they're still a band.
58) Laurie Vincent
Your band is called 'Slaves,' my guy.
647) The Fat Jew
Meme stealing gets you nowhere, let this be a lesson.
Lauren believes this to be her Pulitzer moment. Follow her on Twitter.
PS: Big ups to my pal Ellie at Buzzfeed for this post which identifies all of these dudes, also.