The Brexit Power Ranking: Boris Johnson's Week from Hell

At the end of a week in which Parliament asserted itself over Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister has been left looking the absolute fool. But in the upside-down world of British politics, that could all be in Johnson's favour as he tries to cast himself as an anti-establishment outsider to a treacherous Parliament.

So what are we supposed to hope for? Massive victories for Johnson that will counterintuitively undermine him? More disasters that might push the ticker from Brexit champion to universally reviled idiot? Does any of this make any sense anymore? Increasingly, no. But at least you can rely on VICE's Brexit Power Ranking to tell you who's come out on top in this mess of a week, and who's not looking so good.

Move aside Brenda from Bristol, Britain has a new figure to unwittingly sum up the political mood with a single unscripted expression. Step forward – if you’re feeling up to it – the rookie police officer who started to feel sick and needed to sit down as Boris Johnson gave a rambling speech in front of a wall of officers at a police training centre in Wakefield on Thursday.

As Johnson took questions, an officer to his right started to look a bit peaky. First, some grimaces, then a slight sway, then she reached for her hat and sat down.

"I'm gong to end very soon. Are you alright? I'm so sorry. That is a signal for me actively to wind up," carped Johnson.

It was a bit like Theresa May's disastrous conference speech, when she started coughing before the set started to fall down around her. Except the set was made of trainee police officers who literally couldn't deal with standing behind him any longer.

For all the speeches in Parliament this week, the most effective political interventions have come from the citizens of Morley, Leeds, where Boris Johnson hit the pre-election campaign trail.

First up was the guy who cut through the bullshit claims Johnson has made recently about negotiating in Brussels.

"We have been negotiating!" wailed Johnson.

"You are not. You’re in Morley in Leeds," replied the man.

And how, when you are standing in Morley, Leeds, do you argue with that?

Then there was the man who amicably approached the Prime Minister, shook him by the hand and yanked him uncomfortably close, before delivering perhaps the four most devastating words we’ve heard this week: "Please leave my town."

Jess Phillips isn't without her issues, but for all her faults she does know how to give a speech that doesn't make you want to fill your ears with concrete until the mere concept of sound is alien to you. This week she delivered a speech to Parliament, explaining that her refusal to vote for a general election before the 31st of October was because she would not let her constituents be used as pawns in Johnson's self-centred game of politics.

Phillips' speech was a useful reminder that we are watching an absurdly privileged man throwing the whole of the UK under the bus, before eventually losing his position or stepping down, to then in all likelihood cut a lucrative consulting deal with an oil firm or an oppressive nation.

After weeks of contorting and twisting, it's finally happened: the Tory party has eaten itself. In a beautiful progression of events, it has shifted from "a sometimes evil party with economic policies that attract medium-sized business owners" to "literally so anti-democratic even its own members are protesting it".

Is it chess? Is it chess… but in 4D? Is it a fist fight? A dual? A fencing dual? An erotic mating dance of power? Literally sex?

Who's had perhaps the worst first week of being accountable to Parliament of any Prime Minister ever.