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'I Love Velvet': All the Weirdest Lines from Spicer’s Allegedly Wasted SOTU Interview

"You should love me! Well, you should. What are you talkin' about?"

by River Donaghey
07 February 2019, 9:30am

Screenshot via BlazeTV / YouTube

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

Trump's garbage State of the Union was an event best enjoyed unconscious, but the whole thing left at least one person in high spirits: former White House press secretary Sean Spicer. He rolled into Trump International Hotel in DC Tuesday night for a post-SOTU interview with Blaze TV's Eric Bolling and, boy oh boy, was he having fun. Maybe too much fun.

Spicer's stumbling, red-faced interview unleashed a wave of speculation that the guy was completely plastered during the talk.

There's reason to believe it might be true: He's slurring his speech, tripping over his words, and has the unsteady gaze of someone's shit-faced uncle. Could Spicer actually have been fully blotto? Did he spend the night playing some kind of SOTU drinking game where he downed a shot every time Trump said "criminal aliens?" Or was he just blitzed as fuck off the clean high of patriotism? The world may never know if he was actually hammered, but we do know one thing for sure—he said some goofy-ass shit.

So in honor of Spicer's allegedly wasted interview, here's a rundown of his weirdest and most memorable lines of the night.

"Katrina offered some real serious and insightful insights into what the president said tonight."

Spicer is referring to Katrina Pierson, the onetime Trump campaign aide who had spoken to the Blaze earlier in the night and, uh, apparently shared some very insightful insights. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Spicer. He mostly just bellowed stuff like this:

"I look like a model."

"I need velvet. I love velvet. It feels good."

"Just stop! Like, listen to me... OK! Don't give me the two-finger... Ah!"

Sadly, the camera punches into a tight shot of Spicer right when he blurts this one out, so it's unclear what, exactly, Bolling was doing with his fingers. Do we even want to know?

"Here's my point!"

Spicer continually shouted this throughout the interview, though unfortunately, he never quite managed to make one. He did come close once:

"But, but, but hold on—no, but here's the point—you should love me! Well, you should. What are you talkin' about?"

But, but, but hold on yourself, Spicer—what are you talkin' about?

"Look it, that's good! I never knew that Target had good clothes like that."

This one was apparently a dig at Bolling's suit, the sleeve of which Spicer rubs vigorously in the clip. Judging by Bolling's reaction, the burn definitely landed: After Spicer lets out another unhinged "TARGET!" at the top of his lungs, Bolling grumbles, "Armani!"

"[Trump] said, 'I want you to come back to the White House,' and I told him, I said very clearly, 'Mr. President, I love you, I love this White House, but you're never getting me back.'"

And why, you ask, wouldn't Spicer take Trump up on a job offer? The answer is clear: He's having too much fun on his own.

"I'm havin' a fun time. I went down and talked to Glenn, I've talked to you a bunch. I have a fun time!"

But what, exactly, does a "fun time" entail for a man like Sean Spicer?

"Free drinks at the hotel!"

Ah, there we go. Mystery solved.