A few weeks back now we published an impassioned defence of "House Every Weekend" and, still, our love for that song is undiminished. Well, sort of. We spent the bulk of the weekend blaring out Zowie's banger to all and sundry. We bathed to it, jogged to it, cooked to it, read to it, shopped to it, danced to it, and embraced it like a recently returned long lost relative, but then something changed. During the course of an attempted obsession-fuelling session, we made the mistake of ambling over to YouTube and searching for: "house every weekend cover versions".
Given that YouTube acts as a kind of unfathomably large cultural archive, the kind of archive that a generation ago felt like an impossibility, it's unsurprising that amongst the gold, amongst the incredible, is a vast amount of utter, utter rubbish. From sixth form vlogger meditations on Primark to cat video after cat video, a prolonged dip into YouTube's cesspit is a sure fire way to ruin a weekend. Our misguided hunt for a Zowie-fix has left us feeling ashamed, disappointed and appalled. Just so we don't feel alone in this world of abjection we thought we'd share the worst with you. Thank us later.
THE YOUTUBE COMEDIAN COVER
YouTube supposed-funny man Brett Domino has decided to cover "House Every Weekend". Which is about as appealing a prospect as spending an entire weekend locked in a tight cubicle with nothing but the collected works of Jeremy Clarkson, a bottle of laxatives and a roll of sandpaper for company. Ignoring the truly excreble opening minute — in which Brett bumbles on about other upcoming YouTube content — is difficult because as you watch you become horribly, horribly aware of the passing of time and the futility of life. If you're strong enough to get through it, you're treated to what seems to be a bloke doing an impression of Alexis Taylor from Hot Chip performing a Live Lounge friendly cover of Zowie's masterpiece. There's a ukelele, a maraca, a beefy 21st century stylophone, a bit of autotune, and a man, awkward in his own skin, selling his soul for a few more subscribers on YouTube. It is the sound of culture conceding defeat. It is a crime against humanity. Brett Domino must be stopped.
THE TOTALLY NEEDLESS COVER
To make life feel more like a prolonged perfect day at the beach — the kind of day where you have fish and chips twice — and less like an eternal wet weekend in Rhyl, we occupy ourselves with tiny things that distract us from the doomed inevitability of it all. Music is one of them. Music isn't important, really. It won't change anything, and no amount of thinkpiecing about Iggy Azalea does any of us any good at all. But still we listen, still we seek out the new, rediscover the old, try and eek out some pleasure from the pointlessness of it all. But even with all that in mind, this cover might yet be the most pointless thing I have ever, ever heard, and I'm the kind of tosser who spent the first year of university pretending to be into field recordings he'd read about in the Wire. There is no reason for this to exist. At all. Literally none. Thank you, Tabala Covers, for making me question everything.
THE HE'S TRYING REALLY HARD SO I FEEL MEAN SLAGGING IT OFF BUT MY GOD IT IS TERRIBLE, I MEAN HAVE YOU ACTUALLY HEARD IT, MY WORD, COVER
Right, yeah, he's trying, this guy. He's probably not the kind of bloke who listens to much house music but he's heard this one song playing out of his brother's room for a few weeks, and he thinks he definitely heard Kirsty in his A2 sociology course mention it the other day, so he's thought, fuck it, why not, why not whip out the ol' ukelele and give it a go? Yeah, I'll do it. I'll cover "House Every Weekend" on a ukelele and record it in my bedroom on a low quality webcam and who knows, maybe Kirsty will see it, and she'll tell me she's seen it and we'll get married as a direct result. That'd be magic.
That won't happen, buddy. That will never happen. If she sees it, she'll cringe and roast you in the group chat you'll never be invited into. That's what will happen. And you will accept it and you will internalize it and you'll get home one day and you'll smash that ukelele, smudge the webcam, cut your hair and get a job in admin and give it all up. You'll thank her in the long run.