Weirdly, there are no pictures of boiled dildos online, so have some sausages and use your imagination. Photo via Flickr user She Paused 4 Thought
My wife and I had a minor argument last night, so I figured I'd start the day on a positive note. Get some cleaning done, tidy up around the house, make everything extra nice while she relaxes. Among other things that needed cleaning, we had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that we'd neglected to attend to. Wanting to be thorough, I brought these downstairs, set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting), and headed upstairs for a moment to call my dad and wish him well. Quick convo with my dad turns into an involved talk with mom and dad, and about 15-20 minutes later, suddenly my smoke alarm is loudly going off. Having completely forgotten about the dildo boil, I casually get up and prepare to disarm the "false alarm" taking place in my house… until a huge waft of black, inky smoke winds its way around the bedroom door.
I immediately think "WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING HELL IS BURNING" and at the same time hear my wife scream " WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!". I rush downstairs into a kitchen billowing disgusting, black smoke, and see a massive pillar of flame exploding upwards out of the tiny pot, which by now has been boiling dry for probably a few minutes.
All I can think of when I think about a pot full of dildos boiling gently in their stock is Carl Weathers solemnly holding up a meaty rib on Arrested Development and saying, "Add some broth, add a potato, baby: You've got a stew going." Also: What do the various gels of two people's junk—dried on to a silicon dildo and then boiled to a steam in some water—smell like? How much Febreze have those two had to pump into their soft furnishings after the disastrous dildo vapor stanked their house? This story just begs a lot of harrowing, harrowing questions.Anyway, in the wake of this, a lot of people are like, "Well, how the heck do I wash this big ol' box of silicon dildos, then, if not by boiling them all like lobsters in their shells?" And the answer, according to the internet, is just use some fragrance-free plant-based soap like Diva Wash and give them a decent rinse. Now you know how you're going to spend your Wednesday night. You're welcome.Follow Joel Golby on Twitter.Wife is panicky, trying to activate the (luckily right at hand) fire extinguisher, failing with it, hands it to me and I finally manage to blast the noxious dildo blaze with the entire contents of the extinguisher.
Set the scene for you… Entire house is blanketed in a disgusting, probably highly toxic smog of burnt silicone, with tiny pieces of chemical ash over everything in the kitchen… I put on two surgical masks and run upstairs to open the windows — dumb move in retrospect, could've passed out up there and totally died — but at least this averts everything in our upstairs being ruined by dildo smog.